What’s up?

It’s February – 2015…what’s up world?
Life has been crazy here at the WildBerry Patch.
January was spent at a wonderful Residential Program called LaAmistad.
I have spent January there for the residential program, and I have spent February, until next Monday, in the Partial Hospitalization Program.

Mental Health – Web MD gives a huge overview.

What is my problem?
I’m human.
But mostly, because of how I grew up – traumas in my life – and genetic make up from my parents – I have mental illness. actually – illnesses.

I would love to be so vulnerable and transparent as to list all of the illness I have – but, one is a biggie – and is something that many of our returning Veterans have as well for different reasons – PTSD.

What is PTSD?
Again – Web MD comes to the rescue with the definition of PTSD.

PTSD is classified as:

Acute stress disorder: symptoms occurring within four weeks of the trauma.
Acute PTSD: symptoms lasting three months or less.
Delayed onset PTSD: symptoms appear six months after the trauma.
Chronic PTSD: symptoms lasting more than three months.

Why don’t you just ‘choose joy’ Christi?
Why not just forgive and forget, Christi?

Repeated trauma changes the brain chemistry – and little road maps are created in the brain – and it becomes trained to react to things that remind you of the initial trauma. These are called triggers. Someone with PTSD did not choose to have to react to triggers – but they do.

Wounded Warriors do.
Rape Victims do.
Domestic Violence victims do.
I do.

Yes, there are many verse in the Bible that are comforting to the abused.

Isaiah 40:31 – They that wait in the Lord shall renew their strength,
they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
hey shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint.

Psalm 23 is very good:

verse 4
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil,
for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me

And, God promises to be with us:

Ps 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

And yet – we struggle. But the Christian has another source:

So – through my storms this last three months, I’ve been learning to praise IN the storms. If you, or anyone you know, is having trouble with depression, dark thoughts, dangerous thoughts – seek help.
Suicide LifeLine Online

or call:
1-800-273-TALK(8255)

And know this – Jesus will be with you in this storm – and, if you need me to – send me an email – and we’ll talk.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,

~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” –
from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

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Quickie idea

I am thinking that since there are several issues that are very large in my life – as in, suicide, depression, and things like that – I should create some PSA’s and make them pages and put them at the top of my web page –

links for suicide, mental health, cancer of various sorts, and maybe even links to friends healthy eating sites!

If there is anything that you can think of that would make sense for me to write up – and post – let me know…input input, more input!

~Christi

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Not a spoonful of sugar, just a dash of color!

One of the things that I did while I was in a residential program was to teach an expressive art class.

Here are some of the examples I used:\

simple painting class

simple painting class


Shhhhh, I’m not sure they were supposed to allow a client/patient to do one of the activities – but, I wanted to, and my life is changed by it!

Here is what I did with the leftover canvases:

painting class

painting class leftovers

Here is everything I did, as my own quiet time activity while at the residential program (minus 2 that I gave away as gifts):

painting meditations

painting meditations

I also did a pen and ink of an orchid type flower while sitting in the front lobby – (I hope I can get the person I gave that one to to send me a copy of it).

And, the other day, while at the conference – I was sitting in the dark quiet room, and my artist was drawing a covered bridge…she gave it away, but the friend says it was absolutely gorgeous. I may get her to scan that one as well.

The point of this?

Ever since the first painting that someone asked me to do for them so that they could look at it and just take a break, I have wanted my paintings to be a source of peace and joy.

(find the photo of Susan with her painting)\

When I painted this painting – my friend Mitzi kept saying she could walk into that back area and just sit down with a book. That back area is now called Mitzi’s garden!

6_Almost_done

Being able to find a place to go to meditate on the things of God to fill your heart with joy is not easy.

But what if you could paint your own hiding place – where you could imagine yourself sitting down and listening to your music, your Bible, your God speak to you?

Maybe I can create a program just like this and bring it around to various churches and organizations that help wounded women…what do you think?

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,

~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” –
from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Posted in Choose Life, Jounral, Joy in the Journey | 2 Comments

January 2015 – Where did you go?

For all that have chosen to befriend me, and watch me for various reasons(of which we will not ask here), January was very obviously missing from my internet charades or escapades. I have many things to write about – and this year, 2015, I will be writing, and painting, and I hope that I will be speaking – but that will come.

Oh what a difference a month makes! And, what a prophetic post about Simplify!

I learned a lot last month, but had no consistent ability to write this blog. I spent January at a residential program for behavioral health – mental illness.

And, the draft – on Dec 21 that says ‘The End’…

The point is that on Dec 21, I wrote the draft that I am going to post right now – and on Dec 25th, I did attempt to take my life. It would appear that Dec 21, I was writing a suicide letter – despairing of my ever being able to be good enough to live.

The End
This post is password protected with TheEnd – so that only those that are reading THIS post will know how to get to the other.

I have an illness, a mental illness with several other issues surrounding it that cause me to have things happen that I am not aware of.

Jim’s comment to a friend was that I told him I didn’t remember taking the pills – and, I don’t. Until I talked to that friend, I didn’t know that I didn’t remember it at THAT time…that it wasn’t an amnesia occurring from the overdose.

Of course I am ultimately responsible, in a way that someone with cancer would not be – but, DID/MPD is very complicated, and I am not always myself. Major depressive disorder can spiral because of chemistry in the body – and then trigger the DID/MPD. AND – PTSD, from the abuse that caused the DID/MPD can trigger all of it – and that’s if no one human decides to be part of my life!

I have hope for the future – and even a hope that there will be a future as long as the Lord allows it. I don’t know what the people in my life will do with me, I know what my 2 bffs will say – and I know that my God is all about forgiveness – and as one bff says – GRACE.

Pray for Jim – he is exhausted from taking care of me.
Pray for my family – they don’t know what to think of me.
Pray for my friends – they don’t know what to do with me.
Pray for me – that we will learn enough about this disorder, and my additional mental illnesses, while I am in remission and can change behaviors and be prepared the next time this disease tried to take my life.

BTW – to be a bit sacreligious – God is a multiple! Father, Son, Holy Spirit all in One! if no one else gets me – HE DOES!!!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,

~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” –
from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Posted in Depression, First 100 days, Jounral, suicide | Tagged , | 4 Comments

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Simplify

This was my post on Facebook on October 31.

simplify simplify simplify….which may mean I thin out my fb list of friends!
I only have 325 – so, hmmm – but next year is going to be MUCH simpler – and I am focusing on what My Lord and Savior wants me to do….for me…as for me and Him…and me…and Him…and Jim Wildman, too – but, I need to get back to the one on one faith that has brought me through so much…so, as I simplify my life – I am planning next year to do an experiment – 365 days of Biblical Womanhood and Faith( combining the experiences of two books I will add here).
Focus on the gifts God has given me – writing and painting.
And focus on the responsibilities that God has given me – wife and mother and friend.
That should be simple enough.
I don’t know what travels will be in my path, or trials, or triumphs!
But, I want my friends to know that if I thin things out, don’t post on your page, disappear for long periods of time – it’s not because of a lack of love for YOU, it’s because I am growing my love for myself, My God, and my husband. If anyone does not understand this – please unfriend me now – it will save me time l later! see – simplify!
Also, if you do not like me posting scriptures and Christian based faith things on my page, go ahead and unfriend me – It’s my page, but, you have the choice to not look at it.
So – this is my fair warning – I’m putting things into place for finishing up 2014, and starting 2015.
There are many holidays for many folks that are occurring from today, until Jan 1 – I hope that everyone that I love enjoys some time together with the ones they love!

I am working on simplifying my life – to focus on only those things that are important.

In the book A Year of Biblical Womanhood by Rachel Held Evans – she talks about a prayer life, a bible reading life, and then, she discusses Mary and Martha – the quintessential dichotomy of being a Biblical woman in the home, and being at the feet of Jesus.

THIS HAS BEEN THE BASIS FOR MY STRUGGLES BETWEEN MY CALLING AND MY RESPONSIBILITIES!

When we were first married – and I had no urgent responsibilities, and only the fresh memory of being single – and desiring to read the Bible, I read the Bible for hours.
We chose NOT to have a TV, because of the distraction it would cause Jim in his studies, but that ended up allowing me to have the freedom to study the Bible.

My first love – when I first understood my salvation I thirsted, and hungered for the Bible. I read the Bible to understand this man that had given his life for me, and how to be more like him. I read the bible to understand the roots of the religion I was now embracing. I read the bible like some eat bread and drink wine. It was my sustenance.

My first love in our marriage was to please Jim in all ways – cleaning, cooking, sewing, decorating, and pleasing him by meeting him at the door with a smile and a kind word when he returned home.

In Revelation 2:4 Jesus says to the church:
Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.

This is after he praises them for their good deeds.
His counsel is this, in Rev 2:5

Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.

I need to repent so that I can simplify.
I need to return to my first loves.
I hope that it is not too late!

update Nov 5, 2014
Of course it’s not too late – I am not dead, I have not been raptured, Christ has not returned, and I have not faced the white throne of judgement. By grabbing onto the horns of the mercy seat, and crying out for mercy, and grace – I can change my life to glorify God. It’s not too late as long as I have breath!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,

~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” –
from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Posted in Bible Thoughts, Jounral | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The end of the year starts now!

Out of surgery

Out of surgery

Cleaned up and going home!

Cleaned up and going home!

One week out - They say it looks good!

One week out – They say it looks good!

Maybe having your throat sliced open in order to replace a damaged disc with a state of the art artificial disc caused me to have early end of year reflections…but, for whatever reason – I am.

The upside is that I have the ability to plan out next year, before Dec 26 – Jan 1! This could be a great new pattern!

I’ve been having Deep thoughts – based on the book “The Happiness of Pursuit” by Chris Guillebeau

What really makes me tick? Not ticked! or ticked that I can’t tick! ;-)

Last night, I watched a movie/tv series from BBC called “The Bletchley Circle”. It’s kind of gruesome for that genre time, but not for murder mysteries for 2012 and on.

Anyway – they were cracking a murder code by looking at patterns – and one of the characters said

” when you are given corrupted code, you backtrack to the known pure code”.

This goes hand in hand with this summary of Chris’ book –

Everywhere that Chris visited he found ordinary people working toward extraordinary goals, making daily down payments on their dream. These “questers” included a suburban mom pursuing a wildly ambitious culinary project, a DJ producing the world’s largest symphony, a young widower completing the tasks his wife would never accomplish, and a teenager crossing an entire ocean alone – as well as a do-it-yourselfer tackling M.I.T.’s computer-science course, a nerd turning himself into real-life James Bond, and scores of others writing themselves into the record books.

The more Chris spoke with these strivers, the more he began to appreciate the direct link between questing and long-term happiness — how going after something in a methodical way enriches our lives — and he was compelled to complete a comprehensive study of the phenomenon and extract the best advice. In The Happiness of Pursuit he draws on interviews with hundreds of questers, revealing their secret motivations, their selection criteria, the role played by friends and family, their tricks for solving logistics, and the importance of documentation.

Equally fascinating is Chris’ examination of questing’s other side, including questers’ acute awareness of mortality, their struggle against monotony, and their wistful feelings once a quest has succeeded. What happens after the summit is climbed, the painting hung, the endurance record broken, the “at risk” community saved?

A book that challenges each of us to take control – to make our lives be about something while at the same time remaining clear-eyed about the commitment — The Happiness of Pursuit will inspire readers of every age and aspiration. It’s a playbook for making your life count.

I have always wanted my life to count…but at 51 – I started wondering what counted!
I have begun to realize that from all the messages given to me from social media, tv, movies, others(friends, family, strangers), philosophy, theology….I have had my code corrupted.

I need to go back to when the code was the most pure – and start again.

This is NOT going backwards, but rather – finding my true path – the true essence of me – who I am, what I believe, how I like to dress, what I am here for in this world.

In a sermon that WildRoss shared with me on a podcast –

the question in Genesis Chapter 3 – God asking “where are you?”
It’s not God hiding from us so that we have to seek – He KNOWS right where we are – He’s right there with me, when I’m hiding behind a tree – and He’s waiting for me to realize – I’M HIDING FROM HIM! and my relationship with HIM is more important than any relationship in my life.

That is where the code was purest…though there was plenty of corrupted messages back then – but life had enabled me to unravel some of those corrupted messages – and now – I need to go back to the beginning with new eyes, and reprocess.

There are scripture verses, quotes from THOP, another book I’m reading, about a woman that walked the AT at a very old age – Gramma someone – of course, Gramma Moses painting late in life…and some very old writers.

I’m no longer 51 – three more years have funneled through the hour glass – and I want to be about my Father’s business – whereever and whatever that may be.

Another thing I am looking at is three books about living Biblically for a year.

A year of living Biblically – by AJ Jacobs – I think this one is from the Jewish perspective
A year of Biblical Womanhood – by Rachel Held Evans – a woman’s perspective
A year of living Like Jesus – by Edward G Dobson – obviously the Christian Perspective

As well as finishing the book – The World is my Cloister – by John Michael Talbet

  • Faith
  • Art
  • Family
  • Adventures

I have also been challenged by posts from a man named Steve Kamb – like this one: Does it Really Matter?

I guess that is the next challenge in my life…how to focus my life on these things – and drop those that don’t fit.

This morning, I just read this blog by Steve Kamb – About an Epic Quest. Life is a Game.

I want to make a difference?
Epic Quest time –
My epic quest is to be completely victorious over childhood sexual abuse, genetic chronic depression, and self destructive patterns.
This will not end until my life is over – so, it doesn’t have a date attached to it per Life Is a Game.

But, I have accomplished several things:

  • No longer under the power of the abuser.
  • No longer under the power of self blame and shame.
  • No longer under the power of self hatred.
  • No longer under the power of worthless burden mentality.
  • No longer under the power of other’s placing blame on me for their own choices.

 

  • one of three major damages to my body from a fall in the Navy is taken care of – artificial cervical disc!
  • Damaged tendons in my feet and ankles have been repaired or rehabbed.
  • I am no longer limited to a wheelchair! or a walker! or a cane.
  • My bloodwork and vitals are constantly improving – and my liver is finally allowing me to take off weight!

 

  • I completed one practice sprint triathlon – with the help of a physical therapist, helping to train me during my rehab!
  • I have had my book outline reviewed by a main company editor – with promising reviews – and told to write it out longer.
  • I have had my art seen by galleries – with promising reviews.

I have been able to reach broken children and families and women through various avenues.

BUT – what is my passion, what is my quest?

  • To combine my art, my writings and my experiences to help broken women and children to reach their highest potential.

What does that look like?

  • My blog
  • An Art site
  • My book
  • speaking
  • and getting my hands dirty to work with those that the world has forgotten – under the bridges, behind the buildings, in the dumps, in the stores, in the schools, in the churches…where ever I can reach out a hand – and offer help.

I was given the title of a wounded healer – and it’s time that I get about walking into that calling.

I was told by someone that in RPG games – you always protect your healers.
In the RPG group on NerdFitness, I have set myself up as a healer.
In Real Life – I never really thought that anyone felt that my healing ‘powers’ were of much worth – they didn’t bring in money, they didn’t put food on the table, they didn’t cloth anyone – and instead, they often COST something.

Therefore – a side quest is to find a way that I can be this wounded healer, and provide for this ‘ministry’.

  • My books?
  • My paintings?
  • speaking?

Another side quest is to find out how to utilize tools.

  • Learn WordPress – and social media in order to gain some visibility to my writing that adds up to my book and studies.
  • Learn FASO
  • Learn e-publishing
  • FineTune my skills – art courses, writing courses, abuse counseling type courses. and Bible counseling courses.

And, an all encompassing side quest is to continue to build strength, physically, mentally and emotionally.
These will have their own pathways.

My goals for the rest of the year (hence, this next challenge) is to set up for the following year with a master Epic Quest Goal – and sub goals.

At this time, I don’t know what this will look like – but I have to start walking my path, my quest – to my end goal of being all that I can be(though, that is the Army, not the Navy).

Now, I need to put these two trains of thoughts together –
what is my purpose (Faith, Art, Family, Adventures) and what quest does that line up with?

So, that’s my focus for the rest of the year – though there will be adventures, and family thrown in – starting tomorrow – by flying to Ohio, to see family.


Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,

~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” –
from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Posted in Bible Thoughts, Jounral, Joy in the Journey, NerdFitness | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments