Four months of Focus…..
…..and what do I have to show for it?
This is how I started 2009:
“I have spent several weeks looking back on 2008.
Who was I? Who did I represent?
Was it me? Was it Jim? or was it Christ my King? or, was it the commercial civilization wherein we live?
Was it representing Christian bound in the dungeon of the Giant Despair and Doubting Castle?
Well, I confess I have represented all of these…yes, sometimes I’ve even represented Christ my King.”
I thought I was going to go through a four month period – three 40 day sections to learn about God in His triunity – Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
I had books to read and study focusing on these three persons, all in the ONE God whom I worship. I had my little calendars, and plans, and study guides and such. I even had my wonderful group of prayer partners!
I had a fasting plan.
I had a Bible reading plan. Several in fact, Bible in One month, Bible in 90 Days, Bible in a Year – and I ended up with a chapter a day with an online group!
At the end of that January 2nd post/email/blog, I wrote this:
“This year, my goal is to break from some of the garbage placed upon me, that I have carried around with me for years.
This year, my goal is to take whatever is given me, and turn it to something good – like to fertilize something that needs to grow.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17)
The thing is, sometimes they come in huge garbage bags, and you have to dig through the bags to find the wonderful treasure!
This year, I’m treasure hunting!”
It’s funny, but all my plans fell apart. I didn’t so much as learn about my Triune God, as I learned about my old and new self – old and new natures – my put off s and put ons, and how the Triune God worked in me, through me, and in spite of me.
“At the end of 2008, I was meditating on what this meant as a Christian…old things are passed away, all things are become new, a NEW CREATURE. There is something very special in this verse…..but, the first part is knowing Who God is.”
“ Ps 90:1-2 – Lord, thou hast been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever thou hadst formed the earth and the world, even from everlasting to everlasting, thou [art] God.
From everlasting to everlasting….God is God. He was before everything. He is in the midst of everything. He holds the future in His hand. He will not change. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us….but HE IS GOD! Or maybe, BECAUSE He is God!”
Jan 11, I discussed the need to put on the armor….and stand, in relation to my back, hip, knee problems…..and I find it interesting that I am sitting here, in extreme pain because of a twist on my back as I fell two weeks ago. And the Bible thought from that day is as true for me today as it was then:
“So, when it hurts, or is hard, and I want to just slump and forget about standing straight…I need to remember that God’s plan is good – sometimes it includes pain….but it will yield the peaceable fruit of righteousness, and in my body, it will bring the peaceable fruit of right-ness – as in alignment.
Having done all – stand!”
Jan 13 – some neat insights:
“Since starting this journey, I am filled with joy – and that joy is leaking out to those whom I meet. What is different?
READING THE WORD IN GOD’S PRESENCE!”
I did a pretty long study on Joy…..and Joy has been my temperature gauge all through this time of focus. It would help if I’d remember it a bit earlier, or remember the keys to walking in Joy! But, hey, I’m learning!
I’ve faced some giants….I Can’ts, Fears, Weakness. Loss of Memory in some crucial areas.
Fears have been the big ones.
Of course, the I Can’ts are really fears with a voice – and courage is I Can with a voice.
Weakness – the physical kind, and being an invalid of sorts. Hey, when someone has to drive you places because your leg is not able to be trusted, OR because of the pain meds you are on, and you need a wheel chair, or walker, or cane and a service dog….it’s time to realize that you are not quite as mobile as the next person. But what can I do?
Just yesterday, by God’s grace, I wheeled my wheelchair around a little block here in my community – ALL BY MYSELF! My darling daughter Faith was with me just in case I got into trouble – but I DID IT! Gabe walked nicely beside me….and yes, my arms started to burn on the slight incline….but I DID IT! And the better I get at it – the less fear I have of not being able to get somewhere during the varying degrees of instability!
Gabe is doing great with me using the walker….and I can go farther with that – and sit to rest as needed.
Last weekend – Jim even pushed me in the wheelchair while he jogged and Gabriel was able to run beside me!!!!
Is this what I want for my life? No. But if God chooses that HIS grace is sufficient for me….and that this is my new life….can I be fear free and trust in Him? YES – because HIS grace is sufficient for me. Will I be happy? Maybe not – but if I remember the studies I did at the beginning of this year, I can find joy! And Peace! My position on anything depends solely from what position I am coming from – and if I come from being positioned dwelling in the secret place of the most high, and under the shadow of His wings……I am coming from the position of ultimate victory that does not depend on what is seen in this body.
Do I believe that God can heal my body? Absolutely – and I have seen His miraculous hand – over and over – He grew my leg out, an extra piece in my back is gone, I’ve seen the dead raised, I’ve seen demons cast out…..I know HE Can!
What has changed is that I am more interested in His work in my heart, my mind, my soul, my spirit than I am in His work in my body.
I want Him to rid me of anything that would come between Him and Me – so that I can be HIS tool in this world – that I could say that the enemy has nothing in me – but that I am sold out to Jesus, burning for His plan and will for this world, and yielded in every sense to His sensitivities.
I can’t explain what happened this season.
Things I had not wanted to happen, did.
Things I had wanted to happen, did not.
The future looks more and more grim, and yet, I have learned more this 4 months by walking through the valleys of the shadow of death than any other part of my time this season.
I have seen tables prepared for me in the presence of mine enemy – on the other side of the valley. I have felt His rod and staff – and while sometimes they were in chastisement – they still comforted me.
I have KNOWN that my God is with me – where ever I go!
I do not know what tomorrow holds. I do know Who holds tomorrow. And I am so glad that I am safely in His hands and Under His wings.
One thing I have learned – 4 months is not long enough to study to show thyself approved, a workman worthy of his hire. I did not learn nearly enough for my satisfaction.
I know there are giants out there that are waiting for me to take back that ground, and slay them. I know there are battles that still need to be fought – and I know there are battles I don’t know about that I will have to fight.
But I know that my redeemer liveth,
and because he lives
and because he lives
and because he lives
I too,
I too,
I too shall live!
Much love and appreciation for your prayers!
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
