Hello.
My name is Christi.
I live with depression.
Not by choice – but by genetics and some environment, and nurture.  Mostly, genetics. And training through the nurture.
I Live.
I choose to LIVE.
and yet, I’ve lived with voices in my head since I was 16, telling me that I’m not good enough for this world, and I should just take myself out of the equation and make everyone elses lives better.  sometimes it’s a screaming all incompassing voice.  sometimes just a quiet whisper.  sometimes I recognize that it is not MY desire and I can fight it.  sometimes, it can over power the other, more sensible voices in my head.  But, even though it can be quieted for a while, I have found that the voice is not dead.

I Have one attempt that I have written about. In 2009, that voice was too loud for sense to break through.

But I tried to ask for help for years…and was told, at 16, “that’s normal – all teens go through that. ”
Later, I was told: “stop being dramatic, stop demanding attention.”
I knew very few people that really thought about dying, much less HOW to do it, and WHY.
I didn’t really find this group of people for which it was normal, except in a psychiatric hospital…but, those of us that need to be hospitalized are not the social norm, are we?  Or we wouldn’t be hospitalized, right?

Ok – so, here’s the current situation.
I have pain – I fibromyalgia – AND I have issues with tendons at the insertion points.  This has meant multiple surgeries – AND a standard set of medications that have psychiatric effects as well. 
The most recent tests had me looking back to a medicine that had been prescribed to help with migraines…to relax muscles. I was supposed to take this twice a day.
Another doctor had me taking a medication that was to prevent migraines…and I was supposed to titrate that up to three pills a day.

WARNING: ALWAYS CHECK MEDICATION SIDE EFFECTS, AND HOW THEY CAN EFFECT EACH OTHER BEFORE TAKING NEW MEDS!  MAYBE EVEN BEFORE GETTING THE SCRIPT FILLED!

I guess that could be a spoiler.

I also suffer from S.A.D. – Seasonal Affective Disorder.  In Ohio, in the winter – I used a light box to counter act the effects.  But I live in sunny florida!
This winter has been very rough – much grey sky and rainy weather.   Not snow – but the grey was our part of the 2014 winter.
two children moving further away, one with two grandchildren as well.
one child having scary health issues
one child having children issues
hips back and knee continued to limit my ability…I hurt my knee trying to ride a stationary bike!
moving out of an apartment back into the RV
Thinking we were getting a new RV that would address some issues of the old RV – and getting denied(actually, too high interest rate).
Jim traveling much more than we had originally planned
I broke my foot. I’m stuck in a boot, which limited my walking in the ‘sunshine’ when it was out!
And just all around malaise that comes with fibro, with the addition of migraines from the weather fronts.

Writing this up, it doesn’t sound like much…but, it added up – and I had a low level depression.
I saw doctors for the pain – and the prescribed the above treatments.
And I got depressed.
I have not had voices telling me to kill myself loud enough for a few years…until this past fall.
And, I fought them. And, usually, I won.
but I started losing more and more often.

I talked to my husband – and we agreed that there is the concern that if I went to a new psychiatrist,
a. it is going to have to start all over with the whole story…which is traumatizing to me
b. they will choose to give me more medicine OR
c. they will hospitalize me – and they will misdiagnose me again…with wrong meds that cause problems.

Several times, I was close – but last weekend – I was very close – VERY CLOSE.
Jim was going to Atlanta – we had decided not to go together – because I was so depressed there was nothing that could comfort me…
BUTGOD –
Now, lots of people say that God comes shining in and talks to them and saves them.
That’s not me.
BUTGOD –
On Saturday night – the night I told Jim that I was NOT going to Atlanta and Alabama with him, I had a perfect plan.
BUTGOD –
I have been a Christian for 45 of my 54 years.
I confess that Jesus is my Lord and Savior – and that I want HIM to be in charge of MY life.
I believe the scriptures are truth – for today – and applicable.
And as I went to sleep, talking to God as I do each night, I was explaining that I didn’t have any other choice…
BUTGOD –
“way of escape”
“what?”
“ask for a way of escape”
Oh, bleep – He’s quoting His word to me…the Word that I believe is true, and that at this moment I believe does not have any comfort for me.
1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.
God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability,
but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

“Ok, Lord, please show me a way of escape.” and I went to sleep.
Sunday morning – I woke up – “go with Jim”
In my mental state, that was the last thing I wanted to do – but I prayed for a way of escape – and here it was. If I didn’t take it…I knew I would be dead, possibly in more ways than one.

I became friends with some others on NerdFitness that are fighting the same struggle.
While driving – I was useful to Jim to drive so that he could work as he traveled. Plus!
While I was in Birmingham – I met a long time friend – and had a great time. PLUS!
While in the hotel – I did a one hour water workout and remembered what it felt like to be in water! BIGPLUS!
When I got home, I found out that I had been mentioned in an article by a man that I admire – and has Jim’s ear – and could open the door for my life to help others. UBER BIG PLUS!!
In the mean time, I got an inkling that my medications were possibly iffy.
side effects – not complications of combinations – just the side effects of both were enhanced depression – which often leads to suicide thoughts!!! ARRGGHH!!
so, I stopped it.
REBOUND HEADACHE!!!
BUT – I knew what it was.
And I started laughing again. Jim commented – it’s nice to hear your laugh again!
And as the medicine left my body – my mind began to clear – I don’t want to die…I WANT TO LIVE!
And I want to touch people that are hurting – because I know about hurting – physical, mental, emotional and social.
I did not die – I did not have the tools in the hotel room!
BUTGOD – gave me a way of escape –
BUTGOD – even reminded me to ASK for that way of escape.

My life line scripture –

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I WILL FEAR NO EVIL, FOR YOU ARE WITH ME;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me!
Ps 23:4

I have a coin with that inscribed upon it – and I have put it back on.
will I fight this battle again? probably.
but this time, I have a few more friends that will hold my hand.
I have a few more tools.
and I have the experience that if I cry out to God for a way of escape – HE IS FAITHFUL.
If I am faithful to believe, HE IS FAITHFUL TO DELIVER!

thank you for reading this.
May you know the shepherd of Psalm 23 as YOUR personal savior!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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