Marriage thoughts in the Valentine’s month. Of Course!
I know it’s trite – February being Valentines month(well, the first half is full price, the second is 50% off!).
Marriage is always 100%.
Sometimes it’s 150% depending on the circumstances, and events.
It never goes on sale, and the cost is never reduced. Everything. It costs everything!
There is only one relationship that merits more effort, more focus, more devotion, and more commitment. That, of course, is your relationship with Jesus Christ. Honestly, I have no idea how someone can make a marriage work without being able to lean upon an omniscient, omnipotent, all compassionate Lord.
I wrote twice so far about marriage:
Marriage tools 1
Marriage tools 2
These will help to fix a broken marriage. These came out of our time at the Smalley Institute’s Marriage Intensive REIGNITE based upon the book DNA of Relationships.
The best idea is to prepare your marriage before you get married, and Jim and I truly did.
- We went through two premarriage counseling sessions,
- and we spent the 9 months between engagement and wedding separated by states(Jim was at Purdue, I was working in my hometown).
- We traded notes from our individual church services,
- and when we were together, we were attending the fellowship where we met.
- In fact, we were both baptized in the same river, out back from the Barn!
- Our first time together was based around being late to a summer retreat, and we both needed to catch up on the Bible Studies.
- After we caught up, we just continued to do them together.
- We abstained until marriage(though we were unwise in some necking)
- We researched marriage traditions, and threw out the occult ones, and made our wedding an evangelistic event, sharing our faith.
- Once married, We attended churches that were preaching solid Bible,
- and we did our own Bible Studies.
- We prayed together nightly, and at every meal, even in public before it was “cool” to do so as Christian.
But shortly after our wedding, I knew something was wrong.
I think Jim did, too. We could not discuss things that were crucial to the running of a partnership. We didn’t realize it then, but we were butting heads and we didn’t know why. It didn’t help that in the first 10 years of our marriage,
- two parents died(one in the first month),
- and I was pregnant or nursing 5 babies and two miscarriages from 1981 to 1988.(five babies in 6 years)
- Then, I had major surgery – and health issues started.
- STRESS!
- Jim left Purdue and the degree he was focused upon,
- worked in various entry level jobs,
- found a new love(computers),
- went back to school full time,
- and of course, there were money issues. Always money issues.
And we still couldn’t communicate!
WHY???
We didn’t know how to prepare our marriage from the beginning – and in the midst of the storms of life, the holes in our marriage ship were not getting the attention they deserved. We were sinking.
We got a hand with Marriage Encounter – we found out that we were really thinking the same thing, but we couldn’t communicate it verbally. Unfortunately, life hit us and we never had the chance to really learn the technique.
Health issues with me, with the children, and money just slipping through our hands, and we were at our wits end.
We were both counseled over and over to leave the other. Again, no help to stay together, no help on how to listen and communicate.
My heart started to change once I realized that Jim spoke a different language(Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman), and that He was a different animal(The treasure Tree, by Gary Smalley and John Trent) Two Sides of Love is the adult version.
Jim read books by Douglas Wilson that affirmed his position in the marriage. But we also got a lot of bad information from errors preached from the pulpit, and our own wounds and personalities.
We are opposites in every way. No matter what test is done on us, other than confirming that Jesus Christ is Lord of our life, we are opposites! I’m not going to list them all here. Let’s just leave it that we’ve been told by pastors that we should never have married! THANKS for the help!
After one particularly hard time, I drew this to ilustrate what was going on in our marriage. We are like onions (thanks Shrek!), and we are under attack.
opposite hearts
We wanted a marriage based upon our love for Jesus Christ, but our flesh and the attacks of our life were just dragging us down. Our marriage did not have the preparation it needed, and our foundation was badly shaken.
Prepare for your marriage, and prepare your marriage for storms!
- base you marriage on the word of God
- base your faith on the word of God
- base your relationship on the word of God
- Love one another as I have loved you!
- Esteem one another more highly than yourself
- Submit to one another
- Love thy neighbor as thy self
- Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
- If we live by the Spirit, let is also walk in the Spirit(Gal 5)
- 1 Corinthians 13
- Matthew 5, 6, 7
- Love your enemies (yes, this one applies sometimes!)
- Base your communication upon understanding of each other
- Base the fight on KNOWING WHO THE ENEMY IS! AND ISN’T!
- LOVE ONE ANOTHER
- Base your focus upon PRAYING for your spouse
- Base your own walk upon Confessing your own SIN
- Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God – and he will lift you up in His time!
- Confess your sins one to another that you may be healed!
- and then there’s 1 John…how can you say you love God whom you have not seen and you do not love your brother(sister)that you have seen!
- Base your communications upon FORGIVENESS
are you going to follow the word, and not divorce?
are you going to commit, covenant, before GOD that you will do all in your power to make this work? easy to say on day one, but it’s crucial, and this is the #1 key that has kept Jim and I together!
Your walk with God is more important than your marriage. and it is most important that you walk with God FOR your marriage.
This sounds very obvious, but this is one that we did not do.
This is where learn each other’s love languages comes into play.
This is also where The DNA of relationships, and the Smalley Marriage Intensive comes into play. LEARN HOW TO COMMUNICATE!
There was a reason that you were married. You weren’t in competition. It was you and me against the World! you and me became WE!
It is the enemy of the saints that prowls around looking for whom he can destroy – to steal, kill and destroy. JOIN FORCES AGAINST HIM!
Here is my favorite prayer template for 1 Cor 13
Love Check up, from Sylvia Gunter, The Father’s Business
This booklet has taught me how to check my own heart, and there are many prayers for the family in this booklet.
Prayer Portions for the Family
It is available at The Father’s business for only $7! and no, I don’t get anything for posting this!
That little book has a wonderful set of prayers for your spouse and your children.
Of course, there are many options for praying for your spouse online now. Just do it.
Oh, this was hard!
If there is nothing you can think to confess, go through 1 cor 13, or Gal 5 and ask yourself “have I been loving, patient, kind…?”
Very difficult to not be humbled when you prepare your heart to pray.
Matt 6:14-15
For if you forgive other people when they sin agaisnt you, your HEAVENLY fATHER WILL ALSO FORGIVE YOU. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
OUCH!! This is an eternal, life and death issue!
and shouldn’t it be clearly practiced in our homes?
We should be examples to the world.
John 13:34-35
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.
By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
February has been a consistently hard month for our marriage. There are reasons, but, I’m not going to share them here!
This February, I learned much about preparing for storms that would attack our security in marriage. I utilized these tools above, as well as some fasting and prayer, as spoken of by Jesus(Matt 17:21), and Isaiah(Is 58:6), to set the captives free.
Honestly, the biggest issues in our marriage has been being captive to our past, our personalities, our family culture, and our love languages. As we’ve worked through issues, we have focused on the Truth. And God promises that the truth shall set us free(John 8:32)!
Enjoy this song by Sanctus Real, and the story behind it!
Me and My Love
Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
I want to thank Blue Letter Bible and Bible Gateway for the ability to search the Bible online.
“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest
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