Category Archives: Choose Life

Depression, Dreams, Discussion, Despair, Drama, and I ?

What do you do when dreams come up that bring the trauma of the past back into your mind, triggering the body memories, the emotions, the lost feelings, the trapped feelings, the despair that once led to suicide?

I have several outlets.
I write:

I paint – and try to create peace with the paintings:

I do Bible journaling:

Psalm 23

Psalm 23

But is that what takes care of the issues that are buried deep and come out in dreams to be dealt with?

No.

It deals with the emotions of the now…that may or may not have current issues that triggered them.

There are various types of therapy that are used to try to heal the past, and here’s one I found on Goot Theray about the 4 steps to Erasing the Trauma of the Past.

I’m going to say that yes, sometimes this works.
If it worked 100% of the time, we would not have so many Veterans still suffering from PTSD.

In the general population, the numbers are staggering, to me:

70 % of adults experience at least one traumatic experience in their lifetime.
20% of those will develop PTSD.
About 8 million – MILLION – people have PTSD in a given year
1 in 13 will develop PTSD in their lifetime.

That’s a pandemic!
Information obtained from PTSD Facts and Statistics provided by Recovery Village.

I guess I’m not so special – 1 of 8 million…

Depression is Deadly:

More than 32,000 people commit suicide each year in the United States. Additionally, there are more than half a million unsuccessful suicide attempts. Nearly 1 million people commit suicide worldwide annually, and the estimated number of suicide attempts ranges from 10 million to 20 million.

information obtained from Facts about Suicde provided by Treatment4Addiction.

The CDC lists intentional self harm (suicide) as the 10th leading cause for death in the united states. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/deaths.htm

Depression, D(T)rauma, Despair, Death.

And those hidden memories that come up out of seemingly nowhere can be the start of someone spiraling down that depression whirlpool, being sucked in by the repeated memory, the ugly thoughts about themselves, the words and actions of the other person, the negative words given by others, the ignoring of the ‘secret’, don’t tell, don’t speak, don’t discuss – JUST DEAL!

the point is that once a person is damaged from trauma…they CAN’T DEAL. That’s what PTSD is all about!

There are chemical reactions in the brain – changes – that affect the ability to “DEAL” –
How PTSD effects the brain – great article.
How PTSD and Trauma affect Your Brain Functioning – by Psychology Today.
The effects of PTSD on the Hippocampus

They key is that trauma is once.
PTSD is trauma over a period of time – usually something that happened that the person could not get to a safe place and sensed a threat to their lives. No escape.
Each person with PTSD is different because each trauma is different.
The brain is rewired.
Many times, maybe most, the sufferer is not in control of the reaction to triggers.
Medications – well, most of them dull your senses…think a medical frontal lobotomy. It depends on the medication. It depends on the person. But I have not heard of anyone that says the medication had no side effects. Sometimes it’s great – like the combo that I am on and have been for many years.

For the most part, I can seem functional.
Then, dreams stir up memories.
Then, something happens that reminds me of an undealt with wound.

Last night – I had a series of those dreams. Dreams about someone that is alive, and continues to do things that trigger my memories, and has no intention of working through those memories, much less changing any behaviors to deal with those memories or apologize.

My other traumas deal with people who are dead, or whom I have no way of knowing where they are.
I can deal with those memories with forgiveness – and letting go.
They cannot hurt me any more.
It doesn’t matter that they didn’t care that they hurt me, repeatedly.
It’s over.
It can’t happen again.
I am safe.
I am free.

But to deal with people that are alive is a different story.
Current issues – that cannot be reconciled – they continue to cause repeated wounds, bringing back up the same issues of being used, being unwanted, being a burden, not being good enough for whatever.

Old issues that were never dealt with – some that led to traumatic actions on my part, have the potential to cause the same whirlpool sucking reaction…depending on where I am in my mental health.

Healthy – I can deal with them by the above method – the 4 steps above. I can address the lies with truth – though some ‘truth’ does not align with my personal concept of truth. I will always see myself as a burden as long as people do not have time to treat me with common courtesy, concern, or compassion. It’s hard to lift your own opinion of yourself when others continue to act in ways that confirm those very self images. If someone felt ugly, and another person of high importance in their lives continued to try to hide their face, or cover their face or disguise them – those actions would confirm the person’s self image – even if words are said to the contrary.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

So So Healthy – tired of the fight, but continuing. Trying to pull up from the slippery slope to depression. I try to deal with the thoughts with positives…but positives are hard to come by. and, many times they feel a bit Pollyanna-ish. I don’t live in Disney World where everything turns happy by the wave of a wand. I don’t have a fairy godmother that will send me to the ball where I will all of the sudden be embraced by everyone as someone special. I’m still a nobody – and so many things prove it.

False compliments(proven false by actions or words afterwards, or their lack of validity) – like giving a compliment to try to appease a situation, and the compliment has no validity – thanks for doing the dishes – and I didn’t. Thanks for cleaning up the whatever – you did, not me, you just forgot. You are doing so well in thus and such – when thus and such is worse than two weeks ago. You rode your bike well – when I fell off. Your writing is amazing – what was it about? ummmmmm.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS – BUT WORDS HURT.

Depressed – I might realize that I need to call my doctor or therapist to help me out of this slide…but by this time, my mind is becoming foggy from the brain chemistry, and I can’t think straight. It has been confirmed that I am a burden – by grunts, groans, ignoring, walking away from conversations, blaming me for the problem of depression, or pain, or weakness, or being hurt by words or actions.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. WORDS HURT. IGNORING CAN BE DEADLY.

Despair – no way out, no escape, nothing matters, no one cares, no one can help, no one wants to help, I’m not worth help, I don’t deserve help, everyone would be better off without me.

At this time, I have fought and fought, practiced my emergency protocol as a last ditch effort. Above, I’ve practiced every form of therapy option that I know of to clear up this depression, destructive thoughts, and despair. Now, I’m begging for help – and no one is listening. No one wants to understand what’s going on in order to possibly help me unwind this whirlpool, much less pull me out and get reset.

This is when I’m fighting for my life – and if no one else thinks my life is worth fighting for, well, that confirms it, doesn’t it? I’m not worth fighting for. So, why fight? I have nothing left with which to fight, and no one to fight alongside me.

This is where it gets deadly.

How can someone help prevent this downward spiral?

Listen – just listen.
Work through issues – with a concern to actually work out conflict
Be present – most will not hurt themselves when a person is with them.
Help to go through the self care protocols, the self emergency protocols, the path towards a reset.
Understand the triggers – and don’t be part of the problem.

How long does it take to spiral?

I’ve done it in one day – but that time took a very deadly turn.

I talk a lot about love. What do I mean by love?

1 Corinthians 13:1-8 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
Love: The Superior Way
13 If I speak human or angelic languages
but do not have love,
I am a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
2 If I have the gift of prophecy
and understand all mysteries
and all knowledge,
and if I have all faith
so that I can move mountains
but do not have love, I am nothing.
3 And if I donate all my goods to feed the poor,
and if I give my body in order to boast[a]
but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient,
love is kind.
Love does not envy,
is not boastful,
is not conceited,
5 does not act improperly,
is not selfish,
is not provoked,
and does not keep a record of wrongs.
6 Love finds no joy in unrighteousness
but rejoices in the truth.
7 It bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.

8 Love never ends.

Some people think that this is not possible.

John 13:34-35 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
34 “I give you a new command: Love one another. Just as I have loved you, you must also love one another.
35 By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Jesus commanded us to love. JUST AS HE LOVED US!!! Would Jesus give us a command we could not keep? That wouldn’t be fair.

Matthew 23:11-12 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
11 The greatest among you will be your servant.
12 Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

Jesus said to be a servant – and to be humbled. Isn’t that sort of embodied in 1 Corinthians 13?

John 15:9-14 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
9 “As the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you. Remain in My love.
10 If you keep My commands you will remain in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commands and remain in His love.

11 “I have spoken these things to you so that My joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.
12 This is My command: Love one another as I have loved you.
13 No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends.
14 You are My friends if you do what I command you.

This describes how Jesus loved us…laying down his life for us – his friends.

Now, here’s a bit of the twisted thinking of someone with PTSD –
I love my family and friends so much that I will take my own life to relieve the burden of me from their lives.

Yes, I still have those thoughts – especially when I am in the depressed or despair levels. When I am obviously too much of a burden because of my physical, mental, and emotional illnesses, I want to relieve them of those pressures. They have plenty! They don’t need me, therefore, why continue?

Because I have worked through the whole suicide thing, and I’ve become a bit more selfish – I won’t kill myself for anyone.

This took 40 years of work to get to this place – and it still comes up.
I still get confirmation that I am a burden – because my issues do not warrant conflict resolution, consideration of triggers, compassionate understanding, when it’s at the good or so so levels. When I’m suicidal – well, even then, there’s the sense that they don’t want to deal with it again. Making it feel like I really need to make sure that if there is every another time, it will be the last and final time.

I am not a productive member of society.
I’m not even a productive member of our family.
I’m not even a productive wife.

I am just living, existing, with no benefit to those around me.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. BUT WORDS CAN HURT. ACTIONS AND WORDS CAN BE DEADLY.

How fast? I’ve known the thoughts to come almost instantly during a request for help that goes unanswered.

INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS – Albert Einstein

The very saddest part of the person with PTSD, depression or any other mental illness is how often people tell them that they are there for them, but when they ask for help, there’s no answer. After a while, why bother. The actions prove they only had words – no actual concern for the person’s welfare.

Now, I can do the Pollyanna thing here and say of course those others have their own lives, and are not responsible for helping someone with mental illness.
I can say that other people are not responsible for my choices, my reactions, my responses – my suicide attempts.

But there are two sides of the coin.
When there are triggers that can be avoided by someone, out of respect, and they continue to repeat that action…do they actually care? If they know that a specific behavior can put someone into a severe depression, possibly self harm and suicide = don’t they have some responsibility?

If someone runs a red light, and hits another car, and kills the drive – they are held responsible.
Yes, it was the other drivers choice to be driving on that road at that time.
The other driver ignored warning signs – STOP signs – and hit the other person.
Who’s responsible?

Sometimes I need help.
Sometimes I need listened to.
Sometimes I need conflict resolution to erase the wounds from the past that keep coming up and poisoning my present, threatening my future.

Does anyone care?

 
Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Jesus Calling, are you answering?(My One Word – Be Like Jesus)

Hi.

My name is Christi.

I am a Christ follower.

I’m a sinner saved by Grace.

One would think that the designation would mean that I follow Christ. My goal is to follow Christ yet my flesh keeps getting in the way.
I’ve been studying Ephesians, and I’m being reminded about the battle we are in between our flesh and our spirit.

The spirit is willing but the flesh is week. (Matthew 26:40-43)
Jesus knew this about those that literally followed him around, so I’m pretty sure that He knows this about me.

I shared in my Itty Bitty Bible Study on Jonah how God called me, and I said no. Here’s the introduction to IBBS Jonah. You can read the rest of my testimony/confession by reading through that series.

I have cried out in the night for answers to His call. Have you?

I’ve cried out WHY! Have you?

I’ve questioned what folks see in me that gives them hope. Have you?

I know what I’m called to do – Be Like Jesus. Are you?

In IBBS Ephesians 2:1-10, I’m learning about how I’m saved by Grace…a beautiful gift. Have you received this gift?

I’m studying the rest of Ephesians 2, and I’ll link them here, but it’s about the struggle of flesh and the spirit.

Romans 7:15-20 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
15 For I do not understand what I am doing, because I do not practice what I want to do, but I do what I hate. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree with the law that it is good. 17 So now I am no longer the one doing it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh. For the desire to do what is good is with me, but there is no ability to do it. 19 For I do not do the good that I want to do, but I practice the evil that I do not want to do. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but it is the sin that lives in me.

Years ago, in the middle of a sermon, a visiting preacher looked right at me and said “Do not die with a book inside of you!”
This was NOT in the context of the sermon.
The poor man was so confused as to why he would say that.
I KNEW.

God has put words into my heart to write and share.
I’m not saying that my words are HIS words, but my story is HIS story in my life.

Why do I write?

My life has a history of abuse, abandonment, and unwantedness.
My mental state(part of the triune nature of any human) has issue with not being appreciated by those very ones that say they love me.

Psalm 27:10-14 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
10 Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord cares for me.

11 Because of my adversaries,
show me Your way, Lord,
and lead me on a level path.
12 Do not give me over to the will of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing violence.

13 I am certain that I will see the Lord’s goodness
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong[a] and courageous.
Wait for the Lord.

Be strong and courageous…yeah right is my response.
My body is weak.
My mind is filled with giants of fear.
But
My spirit cries out for the living God! (Psalm 84:12)
My heart desires to be righteous in Christ. (Matthew 6:33)
I thirst after the Lord in a dry and weary land. (Psalm 42:1)

I have begun work on one of the books the Lord put in my heart in 1992. Blackwater Falls Testimony.

Now, he’s pointed out that since I waited so long to write that book (self doubt, which is idolotry, because without himn, I can do nothingJohn 15), there is another book to write. This one is about suicide.

I have written much about suicide on this website, and you can find them by doing a search for the word suicide. Here is the Day I committed suicide.

Both of these books are painful.
But the other part of what he’s called me to do is also painful.

Ministering to wounded women and children.
Ministering to displaced people.
Ministering to the unloved and unlovely.

I’ve been damaged goods.
I’ve been unwanted.
I’ve been unloved, by those that should have loved me.
I’ve been unprotected by those that should have protected me.

BUT GOD.

By God’s grace I have never been homeless…but I’ve felt the fear of the possibility.
By God’s grace I have never lacked medical treatment…but I’ve felt the fear of trying to find a doctor to care.
By God’s grace I have never gone without food…but I can see the damage the lack of the most bare essentials to live can cause.

BUT GOD!

I want people to read what I write and comment and encourage me to continue.
I want people to say that what I do has value.
I want people to tell me that what I do has impacted their lives, that Jesus has met them where they are.

I question myself.
I question my gifts.
I question my ability to fulfill my calling.

There’s where I’m wrong.
It’s not me. It’s HIM.
They aren’t my gifts. They are HIS.
It’s not my body. I gave it to HIM for His temple.

This is dear younger me, and yet, at 58, I’m still struggling to believe!

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me
You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

I need to lay it all at the cross!

Have you heard the call of the Lord?
Do you question your calling?
Do you question if you are worthy, able, or willing?

Me too.
I’m not worthy, neither are you.
I’m not able, neither are you.
I am willing, but my flesh is weak.

And Jesus knows this.
And Jesus loves us.
And Jesus will not leave us nor forsake us.

Abide.
Be still.
Yield.

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking,
What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?

Like I said above, I’ve been very focused on this while studying Ephesians 2 for Itty Bitty Bible Studies.
To drive it home, I was listening to the podcast from my church that was about Living and a legacy.
I just wanted to get on my knees and recommit my life to Christ, to His service, to give him my all!
There’s a saying in the military.

All gave some, some gave all.

I think that we will find when we stand before the judgement seat of Christ, facing those that were martyred for their faith, that this will be true of Christians as well.

My hearts desire is to hear this:

Matthew 25:23 King James Version (KJV)
23 His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.

Before a book, before a tract, before a song or any other ‘ministry’, my calling is to be faithful to My Lord and to whatsoever HE calls me to do.

How about you?

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Surgery Scuttlebutt – The finale

If you don’t know what scuttlebutt is, please check out

Intro, part one, part two, part three and part four

If you want a great book to help you prepare for, and recover with, please check out Healing and Hope by Christine Carter. Tell her Christi sent you!

Here is my latest video to the Wildberry Patch group on facebook…

GREAT NEWS!
The Cancer is gone
the Kidney is healing
the kidney is working like a healthy kidney!
YAY!

With that said and done…What was the journey from part six, to this one, the finale?

Well, there was the struggle with confusion with the pain and doctor’s instructions, as I share in Pain/Peace.

There is so many things that I;ve learned on this journey, and I’m still learning, because the wound site for the JP Tube is still an open wound. My skin is bleeding from the tape used to keep the bandages on it for the last, going on 6 weeks. BUT GOD!

God is our creator, and He made us in His image (just read Genesis 1 and 2), so He infused us with creativity! Once the major drainage stopped…I was waiting for an answer…and he has given me one that is giving my skin relief. Also, someone was given creativity for the super special sensitive skin tape…when I have to use tape, I use that now!

That said, I’ve also learned that I need to set boundaries…for myself and others.
What? you say? Boundaries? Christi, of what do you speak??? HAHAHA!

Yes, I have to realize that without that tube in me, I do not have the continual pull on skin that caused sheering pain, and could drive me to my knees! Now, I just get tired. And some base pain from the muscles that have been in rest mode for 6 weeks! First day…I walked out to the garden, and into the garden, to my daughters house, and then back to my herb garden.
This was after I straightened up my own office… yep…putting things away, bending and reaching.

OW! Boundaries…who knew?

I’m going to finish up this series by sharing what I’ve learned, by going through the final chapters in this book. Christine Carter has really been a Godsend to help me take this journey step by step!

Chapter 8 – Own it, Laugh a Little and Get Out.

“Here’s the thing: you are physically broken right now.
You might not have showered for days, and the stench you exude proves it”

Personally, I lived with baby wipes and those neat cloths that hospital gave me to bathe with.
I did wear deodorant.
My hair was always up…because if it was down, folks would know just how dirty it was!

Showering was a torment…and the last shower before the tube came out seemed to almost pull the stitch that held the tube in out of the skin. I mean, seriously…who thought ONE stitch would keep this tube connected to me…ME, the one that hates to sit still so God has allowed some physical ailments to MAKE me sit still. I was afraid that I’d torn something inside…I was afraid I’d caused infection…I was afraid. Period.

This chapter helped me to NOT compare myself to other able bodied people, or even others going through physical trials. I needed to OWN IT…this was the current NORMAL for me…and the only way to get through this valley was to MOVE through it! Not exercise type moving…but, mentally moving.

GO OUT – yes, I chose some opportunities to go out.
With my husband for our anniversary

With a friend to Olive Garden, and a few others places.
Do you know what I struggled with?
The stupid JP Tube showing as a bump under my clothes…no matter how bulky the clothing was.
I didn’t want anyone to look at me and wonder “what’s that under her shirt/dress?”

“You need to be okay with where you’re at right now”

I wasn’t…and I was vain!
God spoke to my heart…how do you respond to someone you see with a catheter? Oxygen? any other health related addition?
“Lord, I would look at them, not the appliance…let them know they are human, and I see them!”

Then humble yourself to learn how they truly feel, and be thankful for such tools for your healing.

This all happened in a matter of seconds, between getting out of the car, and stepping up on the curb.
Just to really drive it home…when the tube was removed, Jim was going to take me out for dinner. As I got out of the car, I started walking into the restaurant, and noticed that the side of my dress where the tube was had gotten soaked with bodily fluid. The little bandage the doctor had put on was in no way ready for the flow…and my dress caught the rest.

“oh no, let’s just go home!”
Ever supportive, Jim started to turn around, and he said Ok…but I remembered this earlier lesson….
“No – I’ll go into the bathroom and see what I can do…and it’s not so big I can’t cover it with my purse. Let’s go in”

Sometimes, when we are given lessons, we get a retest later, to see if we were really listening!

I’m thankful for the mornings I’ve spent on my swing.

And, I’ve found that if I smile at someone…they don’t notice the JP tube sticking out of my shirt, the wet stain on the side of my dress, or the wheelchair that I’m in. They smile back.

I also planned from the beginning to enjoy two FB shows…
Returning the Favor with Mike Rowe
Drybar comedy show

These have helped me laugh, and rejoice in others outside of myself.

Chapter 9 – Prayer and Spirituality

“Religion/spirituality is a significant part of many people’s lives. This is one area that should not be neglected, especially now. …
For me, Christ is the only answer and true source of peace”

Christine allows that there are other faiths that one may be a part of, and encourages all to seek their faith in times such as these, but clearly speaks to her faith as a Christian.

This may be the first time God has had you all to Himself

Not quite true…but, often true that I’m too busy to just be still.
This has been a learning about being still…knowing that HE is God…
declaring that HE is God
acknowledging that I AM NOT God!

Here are a few of my lessons learned:

  • My worth is based on WHOSE I am, not who I am
  • asking for help is part of life
  • Saying No can be healthy
  • Speak LIFE -scriptures – over my life, body, husband, children, friends…SPEAK LIFE not death
  • My messenger group of prayer partners…I would get an encouragement every day!

And a huge change in my view point:
Let It Go…Let them go!
Some people are in my life for a time
others for eternity.
let those that want to leave, leave.
If I have tried to make sure I didn’t offend, and gotten a response that I did not, then…
It’s not personal, so don’t take it personal.

Seriously – I’ve spend so much wasted time worrying over folks that I thought I had a connection with that just dropped me like a hot potato.
Some that I thought would be prayer partners with me that didn’t even want to receive notifications of the surgery(and they had asked for them).
Some I thought were my best friends, that decided that a hurt, misunderstanding or whatever was far more important than restoring our friendship.

If I have done what I could do…I cannot change their minds.   Here’s the Bible on my responsibility:

Matthew 5:23-24 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
23 So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

There are more scriptures.
I cannot force anyone to forgive me, I can only apologize, and try to make amends.
If I don’t know what I’ve done, I can’t fix it…and in that case, again, I need to let it go, I need to let them go.

Christine has a great outline for prayer in this chapter, with fill in spaces for one to write them in.

Chapter 10 – A new Day

“Wherever you are on this healing journey, I want to promise you something:
There will be a day when you are done healing.”

I’m not there yet…but, I’m closer than I was 6 weeks ago!

“you will treasure what you discovered during the long, quiet moments of reflection, dreaming and digging deep to find passion, purpose, and new ideas for the road ahead.”

That is what these surgery scuttlebutt stories are all about.
I have restored my faith in Jesus Christ.
I have remembered my calling to write a book.
I have received the love of many, virtual and physical as I’ve healed.
and I rejoice in the way the Lord has met me on each step!

“Some things need to be broken, opened and taken apart to let light in.
Look for the light, my friend. It is shining somewhere in you.”

Amen!

Chapter 11 – And another thing

“After you are all healed and life has returned to its rapid pace, you may still have those lovely little reminders of this difficult season:
that twinge of pain comes along now and again, or maybe your arm doesn’t quite boast the strength it once did….”

I have a 12 inch scar now….and no idea how the JP tube hole will heal.
I have a kidney that I need to treat carefully…I need to seriously consider my diet options.
I have muscles that are achy…and, there are a whole set of side muscles that have been cut that will not like doing side bends, or anything else!

This is my new normal.
And, I thank God for it.
If I had not gone through all the stuff to get to Cleveland Clinic….The End is Near explains the journey…I would not even have this kidney!

I’ve learned to rejoice in hearing the birds.
I’ve learned to laugh with my grandchildren, and my husband, and my friends.
I’ve learned that I can love others from my bed because I live in the age of social media!
I’ve learned that others love me.
And even more so, I’ve learned again, that Jesus loves me!

 
Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Pain/Peace

Pain
Sharp
Knife
Breathtaking
Sight blurring
Pain

Doctor?
Support?
Guidance?
Brush off
Exhausting
Pain

Why can’t they just give me information so that I can make an informed decision?

Pain
Wait
Concern
Knowledge
Not bad enough
Brush off

Pain
ER
No help
No information
No confirmation
Just “go”

I know there is no infection from the basic Natural Signs.
But I don’t know what doctors know and can’t make up my mind.

Pain
Normal
Don’t move
Be still
Just lay around
And wait

Two
Weeks
Past
Schedule
Need removal
Need compassion

Pain?
ER!
Won’t touch me!
Cyob doc
Why call him?
No help.

But if there is a deep infection for which this pain does tell,
it’s me that is going to suffer and go through the physical hell.

Pain
Common
Breakthrough
Ignored
The answer?
Wait.

Pain
No pain
Health
No health
Ask for help
Brushed away

But God has promised to give me wisdom if I ask of him.
God gives me Godly counselors and I can ask of them.

Pain
Love
Tiring
Energizing
Counselors
Encouragement

Joy
Peace
Decision
Confirmation
Unwavering
Love

God gives me counselors to comfort and to guide.
God gives me soul mates to settle my insides.

Peace
Quiet
Be still
And know
That I am
God.

This poem was written one day when I was confused and struggling after my surgery, and waiting for the last step of my post op. This was written during my time, in which I prepared for  the finale.
The story of my weeks of surgery and recovery is shared in Surgery Scuttlebutt.

 
Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Surgery Scuttlebutt, part five

If you don’t know what scuttlebutt is, please check out

Intro, part one, part two, part three and part four

If you want a great book to help you prepare for, and recover with, please check out Help and Hope by Christine Carter. Tell her Christi sent you!

Tomorrow is S-day! my surgery. 

In part four, I talked about finding(being led to) our new church, and being blessed by the current sermon series.
I mentioned that I prayed that Pastor Keith would continue for this past Sunday.
AND HE DID!

He taught out of Psalm 91….

If you have never read Psalm 91, please bless yourself and do so now! I’ll wait! This blog will be here when you come back!

I wrote this blog in 2011 – What does Sonic Flood and Psalm 91 have in common?

This blog talks about how important it is that we confess with our mouth to obtain salvation.

That was the focus yesterday of Pastor Keith’s message….
SAY –
life and death are in the power of the tongue.

Proverbs 18:21 King James Version (KJV)

21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

There were four points to his sermon, but SAY – SPEAK were the big take aways for me!  There was faith not fear…and two others…but, SAY!!!

Jesus said speak to this mountain and it shall be removed.

Mark 11:23 King James Version (KJV)

23 For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.

  • shall say….
  • and not doubt….but believe
  • HE SHALL HAVE WHATSOEVER HE SAITH!

Now – this is not a name it claim it thing…been there, done that. Never got the t-shirt! But, I did get burned!
God is bound to His word and His plans…it’s not saying I have a Ferrari and poof – I have a Ferrari….
No – it must line up with the promises that GOD has given us…AND, that the devil wants to steal, kill and destroy!

1 Peter 5:8-9 King James Version (KJV)

8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:
9 Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world.

John 10:10 King James Version (KJV)

10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

Jesus was giving us power – over the enemy! Not to get rich!

Luke 10:19 King James Version (KJV)

19 Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you.

Dear ones, we have an enemy…but Jesus has defeated him, and IN CHRIST… we have victory!

  • We can claim the promises of Abraham…
  • We can speak life to the death he wants to cause.
  • We can speak peace to the chaos that he wants to cause.
  • We can speak faith to the fear he wants to cause.
  • We can speak truth to the lies that he wants to make us believe.

we can…
WE CAN…
WE CAN…

IT’S A CHOICE!!!

We choose whom we listen to! – I wrote about this in Are you a Judas?

We have to choose Christ – I wrote about this in Lent day eight.

This past year, as I did the study on Lent, I studied Peter – and his choices.

The thing is…

    • we have a choice what comes out of our mouth.
    • we have a choice what goes into our minds AND STAYS!
    • we do have a choice what WE put into our minds!

Looking at this upcoming surgery..I HAVE A CHOICE!
I can be Christ like or I can be Christi like.
I can serve Christ or I can serve Christi.
Christi needs to be CHRISTi…Christ is greater, i am lesser.

Psalm 19:14 King James Version (KJV)

14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.

Jesus said that I could speak to a mountain, and it would be removed.
I don’t have a mountain that needs to be moved…I have a cyst…a mass…a ‘suspicious’ mass that off the record has been called cancer. (legalese about why they can’t call it cancer without a biopsy, which won’t happen until after the surgery).

Yesterday, as the pastor was preaching about life and death in our tongues…I received a word…I believe…for me.

This preparation for surgery has been very interesting.

  • FIRST – God waited until the demon of suicide was defeated in my life(well, until I let go of that demon I’d known for many years…sometimes we become familiar with our demons and don’t know how to let go!)
  • SECOND – God waited until I was settled in with wanting to LIVE! (there is a difference between not wanting to die and wanting to live).
  • THIRD – God waited until I was ready to give up everything to follow his call – back to Ohio – to Youngstown, Ohio! (seriously, from my hometown, we didn’t have much good to say about Youngstown – and if I was coming back to Ohio, I was expecting to go back to MY hometown)
  • FOURTH – God timed the whole thing, from Faith’s house, to the timing of finding the mass, to finding the doctor that is the most experienced in the nation with this type of specialized removal of the mass and saving the kidney.
  • FIFTH – HE BROUGHT ME TO THE CHURCH HE CALLED ME TO 2 YEARS AGO JUST AS THEY ARE ABOUT TO MOVE INTO THE FULFILLMENT OF THE VISION OF A BUILDING…which I was a part of the announcement meeting!( I have to write up an update…because the Lord has orchestrated so much more since April!)

The word I received was to speak to the cyst that it would be removed.
I asked God to heal me…and that took a work of God to get me to the point that I even asked for that!
He didn’t “poof” heal me…and I have experienced that before, but rather, he orchestrated the above steps to get me to this doctor!
If he’d wanted the whole kidney out…he could have just had me do the surgery in January in Florida!
No, HE orchestrated events so that I met THIS doctor, that has THIS skill, and I am here.
I speak to the mass – MOVE!
I speak to the cancer – LEAVE!
I speak to all those that are involved in my surgery and care tomorrow – PEACE – CLARITY – WISDOM
and I speak to the enemy – GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN – YOU HAVE NO PLACE IN THIS STORY OTHER THAN THE BEATEN FALLEN FOE.
IN JESUS’ NAME
BY JESUS’ BLOOD
BECAUSE GOD PROMISED ME, IN CHRIST, BECAUSE OF THE PROMISE TO ABRAHAM AND HIS SEED!

Back to Sunday’s sermon. Pastor Keith shared a vision, very similar to a vision that I have had about that church…meaning that this is where I belong, for such a time as this! I can join in with the vision, but the reason I am sharing this is that Pastor sharing His vision, that was so similar to the one I’ve been given, just confirms that I am right in the middle of the will of God! That’s not always the case… it’s is what my heart desires, but, my flesh often sways my off track. I AM WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE AT THE TIME IN WHICH I AM TO BE!

I want to do a study on Psalm 91…but, my pastor just did an amazing one! In Part four, I gave all the instructions on how to find that sermon. look at the podcasts at Your Greater Life.

Better yet – read Psalm 91. IN THE AMPLIFIED VERSION!

And here’s a few bits that are crucial:
HE THAT DWELLS… do you dwell in the secret place of the most high? He is preparing a place in his mansion for me. Are you even invited into His presence? I was. and am. Do you know what that means? Do you think you are going to heaven?

I WILL SAY…I think I’ve covered that above.
TRUST …believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be saved. Acts 16:11

Here’s the thing I’m getting at. Death is a risk whenever anyone goes into surgery.
I am at peace. I don’t fear the surgery, I don’t fear death. Why not? because I know where I am going!
Philippians 1:21 King James Version (KJV)

21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

Go ahead, read it in context….and for more info, I have shared my thoughts on Philippians 1:18-21.

YOU CAN KNOW WHERE YOU ARE GOING! I pray that each one that reads this will take this seriously.
Got Questions provides a detailed explanation of The Roman’s Road.
Billy Graham’s version of the Plan of salvation

Now, I do not believe that I will die…but rather live to declare the glory of God!

Psalm 118:17 King James Version (KJV)

17 I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord.

God has not given me a spirit of fear….
2 Timothy 1:7 King James Version (KJV)

7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

1 John 4:18 New International Version (NIV)

18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

And God is perfect in Love!
Proverbs 18:10 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)

10 The name of Yahweh is a strong tower;
the righteous run to it and are protected.

It is in the name of Jesus that I dwell in the secret place of the most high, and I am protected.

I pray that each person that reads this will also know the name of Jesus, by inviting HIM into your heart to be Lord and Savior, and to choose to dwell in HIS secret place.
He is my hiding place! And he can be yours!
Psalm 32:7 New International Version (NIV)

7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.

You are my Hiding place

He that dwelleth in the Secret Place.

A song to help memorize Psalm 91:

In looking for a Psalm 91 image, I ran across this lady’s blog about Psalm 91 – with free lock screens for your phone!

here’s an example

I also found this art by Hannah Pagel – that is absolutely beautiful…please check it out! And, yes, I did order one to keep in my bible!

I also found the image for ordering small cards of Psalm 91 at the Father’s Business. Great to have in your purse to share with those you pray for!

I also found a place for Bible Verse art….called, the Bible Verse Images!

another way that I have made images is via the youversion app. GREAT app for having your bible at your fingertips and bible studies, and our pastor puts our sermon series notes in there so that we can take notes right on the phone with the scriptures! woo hoo!

Freedom Word Ministries has a beautiful depiction of Psalm 91 – pray it out loud!

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

surgery scuttlebutt, part four

Definition of scuttlebutt
1 a : a cask on shipboard to contain fresh water for a day’s use
b : a drinking fountain on a ship or at a naval or marine installation
2 : rumor, gossip

I’m not really planning on this being gossip, or rumor…but, hopefully a drink of fresh water.
Think of this as the Naval equivalent of a water cooler conversation.

My surgery is scheduled for July 17th, 2018.

In this book, Help and Hope while you are healing…no, I don’t get any kickbacks…just the pleasure of sharing this powerful book with anyone that will listen, Christine shares about discovering your passion and purpose.

For Christine’s Story about her book, read her blog, A story about a book!

Chapter 3 is managing the pain…great tool for planning ahead.
Chapter 4 is find your people.
Chapter 5 is discovering your passion and purpose…which I talked about in part three.

I wasn’t done sharing how God has led me through this surgery/cancer/move thing!
I wrote about The End is near in March…updated it a bit in April, and there is a huge list of things I should update to this blog!

here’s part of that hand of God orchestrating my life, to create a beautiful symphony!

I was chatting with a young lady that is training a YWAM to be a missionary.
She was sharing with me how the Lord have been guiding her, and what a joy it is to be in the place which God had planned.

here’s my comment:

One very large prayer is being answered. I am at the church the God called me to 2 years ago. God set me up for going back to the church, by having the pastor be at a doctors appointment that I was at, and I recognized him and I prayed for him.
So I have been able to tell them that I was there when he announced his vision for ministering to the unchurched, the marginalized, and the under cared for in this area. And he was stating that two years ago when I was here helping with my daughter while she had their third baby. At that time they had been praying for a church building, as they were meeting in the back of some government offices. I’ve been praying for this church and for their vision and for the Lord to provide this new church building well new to them because it’s a church building that another church is moving out of, but I’ve been praying for 2 years.

When Faith, our daughter, was telling me about this house that God wanted us to move into, one of the things she said was “oh by the way, your church is just around the corner from your house. Around the corner here does not mean always around the corner, the church is just around the corner on Bears den road” (less Than 3 miles away from our house). That is, the new church building that we are going to be renovating the inside and such and the first sermon is supposed to be the first Sunday in September!!!

THIS was just about the clincher to my saying yes to this house. There are so many other things…but this was KEY!

The other thing, it is such a blessing to sit under a pastor that preaches from God’s word. The United States has so many churches and there are many whose pastors do not preach the word of God. At some point God is going to pour out his judgement on America because we have been given so much in the way of his word, and freedom to live under his word and to share his word. This current generation in our country, has gotten the heart that says if he’s not going to correct me now he’s not going to say anything so go on and sin because God’s not watching. There’s a verse of scripture verse, the talks about that.

Yes, this is me…can’t keep me from stating something about the spiritual needs of the people around me…AND ME!

So what’s the big news about this? It’s that the Lord has allowed us to meet people from the church, and have a real connection between the pastor and his wife, right before I end up going into surgery! There are people in this church that will know of me and that know how to pray to God, how to pray the scriptures, and how to lift me up as I am lying unconscious on the surgery table.

I have had peace about the surgery and the surgeon all along, because I believe God set that up, but now on top of the peace, my heart is again, bursting with joy, that God had my church family planned out for this time, 2 years ago!

the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord and He Delights in his ways! Though he fall he shall not be cast down, but the Lord holds him up with his right hand.

The points.

  • 2 years ago – I met a chiropractor, Suzanne Shaw, that shared with me about her church.
  • I attended while staying here for three months to enjoy my daughter and her sons.
  • The pastor shared his vision, his leading, his confidence that God had provided a church building for them, in which to reach and minister to more people!
  • My heart was touched…and I hated going back to Florida, because we did not have a church there at the time.
  • Two years go by, I’ve prayed for the church, but not had contact, other than visits with Dr Shaw when I’ve been here.
  • The Lord provides a house for our daughter and son-in-law.
  • The Lord provides a house for us, right next to their property.
  • The Lord planted all of us within easy driving of the new church building.
  • The Lord put the pastor and I at the doctors at the same time!
  • I attend my first service, and he is preaching on covenant…being covenant minded, knowing who we are in Christ and why…speaking life with my tongue, NOT DEATH!! timely message!

Here’s the church website, for Greater Life.
You can follow the instructions on obtaining the podcasts at the greater life website.

The specific sermons are in the Summer of Spiritual Growth, Covenant. So far, there are two parts…though he’s wondering about doing a third next Sunday.
On the youversion app, under events, search for greater life church – boardman. there you will find the notes for these sermons!

What has this to do with my surgery?
Well, to be honest, I would not have moved to Ohio if it weren’t for the cancer.
I would not be having surgery in Cleveland Clinic, if it weren’t for my daughter, and the house near her.
I would not be attending this church if I were in Florida.

My purpose.
There are several.

  • To be in a living church to serve.
  • To be in close contact with my children and grandchildren.
  • To share the gospel.
  • To write my story.
  • To serve others and help them to know the peace that passes understanding that is Christ Jesus

Now, a quick touch on chapter 6 – honor your healing. This chapter was NOT what I expected.
Christine set me up!

“the following exercise will help you find your worth in what may feel like wreckage. Instead of wallowing in all the things you cannot do and the ways you feel you are failing, how about you focus on those things you can do and celebrate that?”

28 years of therapy, if not more…and not one has gotten me to do this exercise.
I’m going through this innocent little book…thinking about how I do need to focus upon honoring the pain, so that I don’t undo the surgery(unlike the pelvic lift surgery in which I lifted things too early and felt the ties inside tear!).

“You are not without purpose in who you are and what you can do. We’ve established many ways for you to discover that truth, and I want you to find more!”

Thanks, Christine! You snuck that one in on me!
Seriously…the exercise had you write the gifts that I have that I love.
She has 10 lines.
Turn the page, AND SHE HAS ME FIGURE OUT A PURPOSE FOR EACH GIFT!!!
So, not only have I done an exercise that therapists have begged me to do for decades…I HAVE CREATED AN ACTION PLAN FOR THOSE GIFTS!

If that wasn’t sneaky enough…she inserts poetry here and there…and this one is titled “You are beautiful”.
She follows that poem with Psalm 139:14
Psalm 139:14 King James Version (KJV)

14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

Those that know me know that if you really want to get my attention…speak scripture!!!
So, I yeild!

And please, join me in worship!!

Beautiful Beautiful by Francesca Battistelli  

I cannot do this without my relationship with Jesus. I did not say BELIEF in Jesus…that’s not enough. I needed a REAL relationship…and that is what HE wants with us. if you are interested, follow these links!

Got Questions provides a detailed explanation of The Roman’s Road.
Billy Graham’s version of the Plan of salvation

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Surgery Scuttlebutt, part three

Definition of scuttlebutt
1 a : a cask on shipboard to contain fresh water for a day’s use
b : a drinking fountain on a ship or at a naval or marine installation
2 : rumor, gossip

I’m not really planning on this being gossip, or rumor…but, hopefully a drink of fresh water.
Think of this as the Naval equivalent of a water cooler conversation.

My surgery is scheduled for July 17th, 2018.

In part two I mentioned that I am finding some of my people on facebook. Ok, don’t look so horrified! There are many of us Christians that are trying to shine a light into the darkness of social media. BTW, with the live streaming…how do you think God is going to have Revelation 11 fulfilled? The part where the whole world will be able to see it????

Ok, back to my story.

In this book, Help and Hope while you are healing…no, I don’t get any kickbacks…just the pleasure of sharing this powerful book with anyone that will listen, Christine shares about discovering your passion and purpose.

Chapter 3 is managing the pain…great tool for planning ahead.
Chapter 4 is find your people.

In the midst of finding my people, I have also settled into my passion.
I want to share a few chats I’ve had with a couple friends lately…and, a bit about what God is preparing in me.

A dear friend from the early 2000’s had remained my friend. And, God was so gracious to reconnect us on facebook.

Here’s our chat…mostly my part:

When I was in ICU after my suicide, Jim played music on my phone right next to my bed for hours. I believe that is what pullws me back from the brink.

I know when I don’t listen to my music and read my scriptures my mind starts picking up with the world puts out there and then I’m a mess.

Friend: You have been an inspiration to many as you openly share your trials and triumphs. I thank God for you

Oh dear friend, thank you so much for saying that. I have had people tell me I ought not share so much so openly. But in my mind, one of the tools that the devil tries to destroy me with is to silence me, and how much better to give him a black eye and silence him by telling others that they can have Victory in Jesus!

Oh Shirley, I love you so much! Our time there at Cross Creek with a very very tumultuous time and yet out of that tumult cut me such a friend as you and I praise him for his amazing way of orchestrating multiple things! I am so thankful that he brought you into my life! And then brought you back via Facebook!

I have doubted that my story has any power…I know that my story talks about how the devil tried to destroy me…and I was in cahoots with him! I know that my story helps those that are abused, in chronic pain, depressed, anxious, struggling with life’s pressures. And even then, in my mind, I hear….”no one cares…shut up”.

Passion – to share my story to give other’s hope!

Sometimes, i ask why…give me a glimpse into the purpose.
I KNOW there is a purpose…
I KNOW that my Father only plans good for me…
I KNOW that whatever comes to me has to go through my Father’s hand first…
My Father is the father of lights…

We quote James 1:17

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.

and we focus upon the good…the gift…perfect is missed….
perfect
PERFECT – complete…fulfilled…HIS PLAN!

Isaiah 55:10-11 King James Version (KJV)

10 For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:

11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.

Are we so much better than Job…who walked perfectly before the Lord…and endured great loss, to be made even MORE perfect…and to be put into our lives as an example of how to go through trials?

Jehovah God is NOT a Santa Clause…the scriptures about ask what you will and it shall be….ARE PART OF THE WHOLE SCRIPTURE!!! you have not because you ask amiss….

James 4:2-3 New International Version (NIV)

2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

have I asked God to heal me?
yes.
Have I claimed my healing as per the scriptures?
yes.
Do I think that God has abandoned me because I have to have surgery?
Oh, Lord, NO!!! God orchestrated this whole move so that I would have the BEST surgeon…and, honestly, if he had miraculously healed me, there is much that I would not have learned. These last 7 months have been full of fruit and meat and even some milk of the word that has caused me to grow.

Continued chat with my friend Shirley – who was talking bout how she had learned to lean on Jesus during her trials,and felt him closer than ever.
Me:

I know what you mean! It has been years since I have felt a very close relationship with Jesus, and I’ve always been close but there was something not quite the same. And I’ve been seeking his face about a lot of things this year, yeah, going from January planning on teaching in a church down in Florida and by the first week of March I’m moving to Ohio and everything in between and finding out about cancer and knowing that the Jim’s prostate cancer journey is not over yet and etc., etc., etc. This morning I woke up and it was as if Jesus was right here with me and God was just talking to me and I hadn’t felt that in years.

Such a sweet experience! I was asking Jesus about a few things, and it felt like he came in my room and sat down on my bed and was talking to me. Just like having a friend, an old friend, sit and talk to you, and listen, and full love, and no judgement. Ah, I wish my heart would be more open to this type of visit with Jesus! Anyway…

One of the things I’m learning is that he put me here for a reason oh, and one of those reasons is to be a Godly influence in my grandchildren and my children’s lives. On top of that, I am having to learn that he is the one that orders my steps and I need to be grateful humble and patient with those steps.

Another thing I’ve just learned, and I need to write this up on my next surgery scuttlebutt blog, is that the fear that I had that I would not do what I need to do for the recovery was me putting my trust in me. And obviously knowing that I am not trustworthy!
I haven’t feared the hospital, the doctor, the surgery, and I know that God’s in control of all of this, but I was freaking out about whether or not I was going to walk through the recovery to glorify him and with integrity.
I am very familiar with my failures and my weaknesses and I know that I get very tired of hurting and not being able to take care of myself.

All of the sudden I realized who I was putting my trust in for the recovery! And it wasn’t God! So I am laying that down at the altar and asking him to reign and rule over the recovery, and literally, today has been the first day that I’ve been at peace about the recovery. I am so grateful that he drew me to him when I was 9 years old, and he placed people in my life all along that spoke life into my being so that when the trials came I knew who was in the boat with me!

My view of Job was that God needed to take him down a little notch…and I am in no way equating myself with Job…perfect in all his ways, but i think God needed to put me in this position to learn, to see, that I was trusting in myself…NOT in HIM!

Psalm 20:7 King James Version (KJV)

7 Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the Lord our God.

Is 31:3

Woe to them that go down to Egypt for help; and stay on horses, and trust in chariots, because they are many; and in horsemen, because they are very strong; but they look not unto the Holy One of Israel, neither seek the LORD!

There are many sermons about trusting in the flesh and not in God…though, being of the mindset that I am responsible for my choices, and that while my salvation is secure, I want to do right by God in all my words…

One of my heart cries is this:
Psalm 19:14 King James Version (KJV)

14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.

My fear was that I would fail.
My fear is/was that I would not live the fruit of the spirit in recovery.
My fear is that I would not be diligent in my care during the recovery.
and, I’ve written that I have had fear that I would be alone.

As I said to my grandson the other day…I am never alone…Jesus will not leave me nor forsake me!

MY PASSION?
to live for Christ, all the days, moments, of my life.
to glorify HIM in all I do…in a manner that shares his light and his love!

MY PURPOSE?
to tell my story…

PEACE…PEACE…PEACE...in my heart that keeps my heart and mind in Christ Jesus!

worship with me!

If you don’t know Jesus the way I do…here’s some links:
Got Questions provides a detailed explanation of The Roman’s Road.
Billy Graham’s version of the Plan of salvation

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Depression Journal – Feb 6, 2018

author’s note – this post is a bit depressing…but if you hold on until the end, there is hope! I promise! ~C

It’s February.
my seriously difficult time for depression is between September and February.

This year, I’ve made it to February – though last month, I did ask my doc if we should up my medicine. He said no…to see if I could make it to the end of this season.

And yet, the season of trials is just beginning.
We find out Saturday about what treatment I should be looking at for the kidney cancer.
Jim is looking at what treatment he should be looking at for the prostate cancer.
And, I’m looking at a moody man that will be taking a shot that is supposed to make him moody, have more anger issues, and such like.
I think I need more medicine.

I’m applying the scriptures…
God will not give you any more than you can handle…but the other part of that scripture is often ignore….

1 Corinthians 10:13 King James Version (KJV)
13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

Where is my escape….?
Getting in the presence of the Lord – I should be being filled with the strength of His joy…maybe I am, and that is why I’m not suicidal right now!

Entering into His gates with thanksgiving….Ps 100:4
I am so filled with gratitude for all the things he has done for me…I go to sleep thanking God and I wake up thanking God and I am amazed at how many ways his hand is upon me during the day, and I am grateful for those as well!

He is my hiding place….Ps 32:7
The name of the Lord is a strong tower – the righteous run into it and are safe. Pr 18:10
He will not leave me nor forsake me. 1 Kings 8:57, deut 31:6, heb 13:5
All things work together for the good of those that love God and are called according to His purposes. Romans 8:28
In this world ye shall have tribulation, but, be of good cheer – I have over come the world. John 16:33

In the Beginning….God which goes with the ending:

Revelation 22:16-17
16 I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright and morning star.
17 And the Spirit and the bride say, Come. And let him that heareth say, Come. And let him that is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely.

The End – the end of all suffering.
the end of all sorrow.
the end of all tears.

The end of struggle – a glorified body for eternity.
No more pain
no more shame
no more guilt
no more …. no more.

I’ve found a diary from 12/2013 leading up to the suicide attempt on Christmas of 2014.
The heart cry is the same as today.
The issues causing the heart cry are the same today.
The mental hospitals are the same today.
My husband is the same today.
God is the same today.
What is different?

I am.

It’s 3 plus years since those days….the hospital stay, the inpatient stay at the resident treatment.
I’d had surgery on my neck…and now I’m looking at surgery on my kidney.
I’ve done much work on applying scriptures to the negative voices in my head.
I’ve done much work on applying principles I’ve been taught to help myself to not degrade into the despair that drags me down, down, down into the devastating quagmire of suicidal depression.
Each day, I fight something.
Sometimes, each minute.
But I am fighting….

Yet, there are times that I’m just exhausted.

Where is my escape button?
Where is my release?
When do I get released from this valley of the shadow of death?
I am truly grateful that YOU, oh Lord, are with me!
Yes – truly, your rod and your staff they comfort me, because I know you are there.
Where is the table, though?
Where is the anointing of my head?

Why am I not certain of where are the green pastures and the still waters?
Where are you leading me, Oh Lord?

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Psalm 119:105

Psalm 51:
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
9 Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

Psalm 37:
3 Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
4 Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
5 Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
6 And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
7 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.

and

23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.
24 Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand.

I know these truths to be true…
My wounded heart is bleeding.
My wounded soul is screaming…
and, I know that I have to walk through this darkness to get through to the light.

I can’t make it, Lord.
I can’t do it, Lord.
I have no strength in me.

You promised to finish the work you began in me. phil 1:6
You promised that you would hold me in the palm of your hand. John 10:29, Psalm 95:7
You promised that my enemies would fall at my side. Psalm 91:7
You promised that I would never be alone…that you would never leave me nor forsake me. Heb 13:5
You promised that I am seated in the heavenlies with Christ Jesus! Ephesians 2:6
You promised me that you would make an escape.

I cry out, Lord, for you to make good on your promises….
I humble myself before you,
I confess my sins before the brothers and sisters that read this,
I declare that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and that HE redeemed me from the pit!
I declare that My God is an awesome God!

Secrets will be revealed.
Darkness will be lightened.
Hidden things will be exposed.

But Thou oh Lord are a shield for me, the glory and the lifter of My head!Psalm 3:3
I will dwell in the secret place of the most high, Psalm 91
and abide under the shadow of HIS wings…
This is my hiding place…You are my hiding place…Psalm 32:7
you shall preserve me from trouble!
You will comfort me, with songs of deliverance!
What time I am afraid, I will trust in you! Psalm 56:3

Psalm 32:8
8 I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.

Psalm 56:1-5
56 1 Be merciful unto me, O God: for man would swallow me up; he fighting daily oppresseth me.
2 Mine enemies would daily swallow me up: for they be many that fight against me, O thou most High.
3 What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.
4 In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.
5 Every day they wrest my words: all their thoughts are against me for evil.

Psalm 64:1-4
64 1 Hear my voice, O God, in my prayer: preserve my life from fear of the enemy.
2 Hide me from the secret counsel of the wicked; from the insurrection of the workers of iniquity:
3 Who whet their tongue like a sword, and bend their bows to shoot their arrows, even bitter words:
4 That they may shoot in secret at the perfect: suddenly do they shoot at him, and fear not.

Psalm 27:1-4
27 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.
3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.
4 One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple.

Confession
Prayer
Bible Verses….
These are the tools that have brought me thus far….
and they have NO power, except for the ONE that wrote them down and instructed us…and taught us to pray and confess our sins.

I don’t feel like it’s a way to escape the temptation…but, on the other hand, it’s worked so far!
Each day that I do not take my own life is one day stronger to not take my own life.
Each day that I don’t think about suicide is one day stronger to be free from those voices.

Many quote this verse…Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. – and yet, ignore the previous verses…Paul is talking about being flexible in want or plenty, in weakness or in strength. He’s talking about being strong in trials.

Even those verses apply now…to my being content in whatever place I find myself.
Whether in sorrow or rejoicing
whether in pain or in health
whether in weakness or in strength.

Just like the downward suction of depression is like the spiral of a powerful whirlpool…to climb up out of the depression takes a spiral turn, like the spiraling staircase that seems to go on forever. Maybe it does…but, each step up is another not taken downward!

I was praying as I wrote this, and after the draft…while going through the day, and I was reminded of

Psalm 16:11 King James Version (KJV)
11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.

God promises to show me the path of life…and this…is also where my joy is sourced…HIS PRESENCE!
This is one of Jesus’s promises, one of His goals for his time here.

John 17:13 King James Version (KJV)
13 And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.

While driving, the Song In the eye of the storm came on the radio.

We are the body of Christ – and the most wonderful thing about being part of a body is that other members get to know you….and notice, or are led to touch your heart when it’s hurting.

Here are some of the things that dear sisters in Christ did for me yesterday, as I continued to struggle with my heart:

Dear Sister Tori sent me an article from Daily Devotionals written by Sheila Walsh. It reminded me of Project SemiColon, and the Christian movement against suicide. It’s based on the concept that when an author could end a sentence, but chooses not to, she uses a semi-colon.

There are tattoo semicolon projects – this youtube is filled with less than perfect language…beware.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Sister Melinda sent me a song to listen to. Fighting Words by Ellie Holcomb.

This led me to The Broken Beautiful, and Wonderfully Made.

Here is the prayer I’m ending this blog with – He’s a Chain Breaker!

My confession of Victory is Mandisa’s Overcomer!

I’ve written a Basic plan for understanding how to obtain Joy in Oil of Joy.
I’ve written other things about depression. If you want to read more, please do a search on my blog for depression.

I’ve also written about Suicide – my major piece being about the Day I committed Suicide.

There is another ministry for helping – To Write Love On Her Arms.

If you have come to this page because you are contemplating suicide, please dial 1-800-273-TALK or visit the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine.

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I want to thank

for the ability to search the Bible online.

Some artwork is from me – ChristArtist. It is copyrighted – by me. Please do not share it without my permission. The same goes for my written work.
Some artwork is from ChristArt – not me! I have purchased a membership, and the art is copyrighted by them.
Some artwork is from FreeClipArt Library. copyrights belong to them.

I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Midnight Musings – The Cry of My heart – February 2, 2018

The cry MY the heart

by MCWildman

The Cry of the heart, The tear of the eye
Depression does start Though I think it’s not nigh.

I’m laughing and singing And praising the Lord
When all of the sudden My mind becomes torn.

I can find no reason, I can find no rhyme
I can’t even predict If there’ll be a next time.

The joy of the Lord it is my strength
But the truth be told Sometimes I am too weak

I know all the tools, I have Bible plans
Then I feel like a fool that is trying to stand.

It’s not on my own feet Upon which I stand
For I know and can see They are just sinking sand.

No words from a Sage, No songs from a poet
no silly do Dilly’s From memes that do show it

The cliches are so tired, The phrases so old
How I hate how I’m wired, How I hate this dark cold

I know this shall pass, I know it will end
But right in the moment for my life I do fend

I do not wish To take my own life
But I get so tired Of overwhelming strife

And then there’s the pain That no one can find
Just sad looks from the the ones that are kind

The loneliness bogs Me down to my knees
And I pray my dear God Deliver me please.

What is the thorn In the Flesh do I ask?
I don’t know that I’m up for this task!

I know that your glory will shine on me
The day that your face I will joyfully see.

The light of your face will break through all the dark
And the worth of these trials will be known in my heart.

But tonight, oh dear Jesus, please give me a sign
Please help me to know that you’ll hold me as thine.

I believe in you Lord and I trust that you’ll stay
And complete the work that you began on that day

It’s nothing of me that can do your good work
There’s no hope for me except in You, Lord

My heart it is struggling
my mind is confused
But I know I believe
And my trust is in you.

The darkness will cease, the pain has an end
As long as I believe, will my soul comprehend?

Oh Silent Night, oh distance song
Angels, please sing to me all the night long

Tell me of Jesus, tell me of he, who gave of his life that living I’d be

No pain is too great, of heart mind or soul
To equal the cross and that took its toll

You did that for me and I didn’t believe
But now that I do I can only receive
joy for my sorrow, peace for my pain
Love for my heartache, Grace for my shame

Truth has two edges, love has two sides
thy kingdom shall be in the sweet by-and-by

And when that day comes I will be ever thrilled
To stand in your presence sing to you still

So sing in the Darkness, laugh at the pain
For this is all Shadows of what I will gain!

No Darkness can take my salvation from me
no depression can Steal My Hope for to see

as it was in the beginning, is now and it shall be
World Without End ruled by God the almighty.
(c)2018 MCWildman

 

Jim & Christi 2017

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I want to thank

for the ability to search the Bible online.

Some artwork is from me – ChristArtist. It is copyrighted – by me. Please do not share it without my permission. The same goes for my written work.
Some artwork is from ChristArt – not me! I have purchased a membership, and the art is copyrighted by them.
Some artwork is from FreeClipArt Library. copyrights belong to them.

I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

What do I need in 2018?

What do I need for 2018?
Do I need a studio full of new paint?
If God says to write, then that, it ain’t!
Do I need an instrument to learn how to play?
If I’d kept it up years ago, that might be ok!
Do I need some silver, some gold and some jewels?
Or do I just need to remember the rules?
God is my God – no one else is alike him
He alone gets my worship, no figures or forms.
Watch how I speak of Him, he’s due my respect
And my yes should be yes, not even in gest.
His day is Holy – because of His deeds,
I can give him one day, since he’s given me a week!
The other’s go simply, ma and pa love,
don’t kill, don’t steal, a wife or a thing,
and the one most for gotten – no place for lying.
And let your neighbor have what he has,
go get your own, don’t be some green spaz!
But the items I’ve wanted before on my list,
Seem suddenly empty, when God’s wanting gifts!
Give mercy, Be humble, and walk with me, child,
Love truly, care fully, sit with me a while!

I don’t need the things that I think I should use,
I don’t need to work on the things that I choose.
I’ve been given a calling, and I know what it is,
It’s actually several, but I keep swinging – A MISS!

I’ve made promises and committments, these I must do,
until I’ve fullfilled what is a committment to You.
My time is not mine, my hands, feet and mind,
I’ve given them to you, time after time.
As I grow older, as each hair turns to silver,
I look back at my life, and it gives me a shiver.
John Elliott, Amy Charmichael, and Mother Teresa,
And some I see weekly, hands working to bring life.

We are all called to speak – to declare Jesus Lord,
We are all called to be – Jesus’s hands to the world.
We are all called to do what He puts in our hands to do,
We are all called to witness to what is the truth.

We each are so different, we have freckles, or curls,
some have dark skin, and some can do twirls!
Some speak other languages, some just speak love,
But each of us have been touched by God’s dove.

“This is my child, in whom I’m well pleased”
declared over us on the day we believed!
Then in quiet whispers, He speaks to our soul,
“here is the key that will make you quite whole!
It isn’t what Suzy or Sally will do,
It’s what will make you the only one you.”

I’ve fought it, and feared it, so sure I’m not right,
I’m broken, I’m messed up, my life is a fright!
My Father takes me up in His arms,
and He says “my dear daughter, I mean you no harm.
I know all the brokens, the pains, the distraughts,
and this plan that I have will undo all those knots.”

“Trust in my goodness, you know that it’s true,
I’ve kept my eye on you, ever since you’ve been you!
Who could do better to create your life’s ending,
than the one that was there, right from the beginning?”

I’m thankful that all I need to succeed,
is to lean on my Savior, and let him manage me.
There’s no time, no distance, no schedule to keep
Me from my dear savior – Now, I’m going to sleep.

12/30/2017 11:55PM MCWildman

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I want to thank

for the ability to search the Bible online.

Some artwork is from me – ChristArtist. It is copyrighted – by me. Please do not share it without my permission.
The same goes for my written work.
Some artwork is from ChristArt – not me! I have purchased a membership, and the art is copyrighted by them.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here is one that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.