I have written quite a lot about suicide.

I live with the thoughts almost daily.

Sometimes, the thoughts are loud enough to convince me.

Sometimes, the deception, manipulation, disrespect, and difficulties just present this as the only way out.

Sometimes, I feel trapped in a world where the ones that are closest to me are the ones that hurt me the most – and the most frequently.

Depression is serious – and if you know someone that is depressed, and talking suicide, or not…stop reading this blog and go straight to the WebMD page about suicide and depression!

If YOU are thinking of suicide – leave this page and call
1-800-SUICIDE(800-784-2433) or 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255)

What would a doctor do?

If I were to have a migraine only 1 time a week – a doctor would(and has) prescribe medicine to prevent this constant pain.

If I were to have nagging pain that comes and goes, but when it comes, it takes me down to my knees, a doctor would(and has) prescribe pain medicine.

If I were to have a chronic pain that would prevent me from moving forward because it holds me in the past, a doctor would(and has) prescribed constant pain relief.

Switching it up;

If I had someone trick me into doing something that compromised my security once a month – a counselor would(and has)counseled to not be around this person.

If I had someone that hurt me so badly that I doubted my sanity once a year(like holidays) – a counselor would(and has) counseled that I not be around that person.

If I had someone in my life that hurt me in the same way, causing the suicide thoughts to come up as a way of escape – a counselor would(and has) counseled me to separate myself from that someone.

But what if there is no hope of separation? What if the medicine doesn’t work?

What if there is no hope of being in a safe place, away from the lies, deceit, mental trickery, or underhanded difficulties?

What if the only way to not be a burden and stress on those that you love was to remove yourself?

What if the only prospect of freedom from despair is to cross the river Jordan?

What if the only way of escape is to hope and pray that suicide does not end up in hell?

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. Prov 13:12

I have talked before about Job being suicidal.

Job 3:3 Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night in which it was said, There is a man child conceived.
Job3:11 Why died I not from the womb? why did I not give up the ghost when I came out of the belly?
Job 3:13 For now should I have lain still and been quiet, I should have slept: then had I been at rest,
Job 3:19 The small and great are there; and the servant is free from his master.

And then:

Job 6:9 Even that it would please God to destroy me; that he would let loose his hand, and cut me off!
Job 6:10 Then should I yet have comfort; yea, I would harden myself in sorrow: let him not spare; for I have not concealed the words of the Holy One.
Job 6:11 What is my strength, that I should hope? and what is mine end, that I should prolong my life?

The word “perish” in Job 3:3 means:
perish, destroy, lose, fail, surely, utterly, broken, destruction, escape, flee, spendeth, take, undone, void

What is up with Job?
Everything that he had spent his life doing was totally collapsed upon him.
All that he had done to raise children, to be productive with his life was destroyed in what could have been a matter of a week – if not weeks.
He had lived faithfully to God – WITHOUT the benefit of the New Testament – and since this is probably the earliest book of the Bible – maybe even before MOSES got the law! I don’t know.

He lost his children, his lively hood, and even his health.
And now his friends were pointing to him telling him to repent…but, of what? That’s not the point of THIS blog!

He felt that he had done something wrong – and yet, he could not grasp what it was, and so, in the despair of depression, he desired to end his life. He was begging GOD to take his life…because he could not figure out a way out.

This is despair – despairing of life itself – overwhelmed by the circumstances that are presented, and clueless to any way to move through it.

This is, in my opinion, a key to when to know someone is seriously suicidal. They are in such despair that they see no other way out.
And in this case –

it is NOT to get even

it is NOT revenge

it is NOT to teach someone a lesson

IT IS TO BE SET FREE FROM A PAIN THAT CANNOT BE ENDURED!

On the other hand –
there are those that would say “I’ll kill myself if you don’t…..”
Or those that would tell you that they want thus and such, and if it isn’t given, they will kill themselves.

THIS IS MANIPULATION.

A person that is faced with these situations cannot allow themselves to be manipulated – and yet – there is a very real danger.

How do you know the difference?
In my opinion – if someone is saying “I’ll kill myself unless you….”, this is manipulation.
If someone is depressed – shows all the signs of depression – you may never hear the words “I will kill myself”.
In Job’s case – he didn’t say “I will kill myself” – he says “I wish I had never been born.”

In Job’s case – he was visited by friends – most of them weren’t much good, but in my opinion – just having the friends there was enough to cause Job to have to talk out what was going on! And, I don’t know for sure, but in my case, if there is another human with me – I’m not going to do anything to harm myself. This could be different for others, but, this is my case.
Job did have one friend that spoke truth to him…and got him into the mindset that GOD could speak to him…and that is what Job needed – to HEAR FROM GOD!

Why? because Job was a believer…and he believed that God had a purpose for all that happened in his life.
The answer was not comforting – Job repented!
But, the repentance brought with him a new since of faith – an new reverence for God – and a lesson for his friends!

But, that doesn’t mean that all depression is because of sin in our lives – I do not want to be understood as saying that.
Depression is depression.
despair is despair.
pain is pain.
and wanting out of pain is the basic component of suicide.

It could be a relationship issue that really needs to be ended, or repaired.
It could be life events that have piled up, until one feels they cannot breathe.
It could be not wanting to watch themselves and others suffer through another medical situation, mental situation, physical situation.

Unfortunately, it could be a situation where they only way someone feels they can be taken seriously is to threaten to take their own life.
Even in an attempt to manipulate the situation to ‘get out’ from under what seems to be too big, too unfathomable, too deep, too long, too far to get through.

The thing is, not all suicidal statements are manipulative…
The thing is, even the manipulative suicidal threats are dangerous…
It only takes one attempt, even if that attempt was not serious, to end a life.

How can you know?
Unfortunately, you cannot.
What do you do?
Offer help – be available – insist on professional help – and then, take care of yourself.

As someone that was the monthly deliverer for my mother’s repeated attempts(or just simply overdoses from self medicating her bi-polar) – the caregiver needs to take care of themselves.

The responsibility for suicide lies firmly upon the person making that choice. It is a self inflicted injury that ends in death.
It is NOT murder – no matter what may have been said before or on some letter, fb page, or text. It is a personal choice.

I am pro choice –
choosing to have sex means you choose to have a baby.
choosing to play with suicide means you choose to put your life in danger.
And, we all have this choice.

You cannot know for sure – and therefore, each vocalization has to be taken for truth –
the issue is how do you deal with it?

GET HELP – DEMAND THAT THIS TYPE OF TALK MEANS THAT THEY ARE SENT TO THE HOSPITAL!

The caregivers cannot prevent anything.
The caregivers need to set boundaries up to protect themselves.
The caregivers need to be able to state what they are able to give someone in a time of crises.
But the caregivers cannot allow themselves to be manipulated by the threats…they must care for themselves first.

again…I repeat this information:
Depression is serious – and if you know someone that is depressed, and talking suicide, or not…stop reading this blog and go straight to the WebMD page about suicide and depression!

If YOU are thinking of suicide – leave this page and call
1-800-SUICIDE(800-784-2433) or 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255)

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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Naomi’s Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

This is dedicated to the Men and women of the Columbus Police force, the rangers at Columbus Metro Parks – Batelle Darby Creek , the Franklin County Sherriff’s department. This is also dedicated the the lifesaving members of one of Franklin County’s Fire Departments – serving the Galloway, West Side, and the emergency personnel at Doctor’s Hospital on the West Side.

I write this in thanks to Jeff Pakone of Indana Biblical Counseling Center, for his belief in me.

On Monday, November 17th, I woke up ready to do my practice Super Sprint Triathlon. I had been working on the distances in physical therapy, and I knew I could complete them individually, but I wanted to do it together, testing out the transition times with my blood sugar and hydration.
I was alone, in the gym, doing my thing.
This was my time to prove that I had surmounted my injuries, and I was coming out on top!

SWIM
Swim distance was to be 400 meters – I did 320 as close as I wanted that day.
(I was not keeping track of times, I was just testing to see if I was able)
blood sugar was fine – I drank a gatorade, and ate part of a clif bar – on to the next event.

BIKE
Biking distance was to be 10 km, or 6.2 miles. I rode 8.42 miles.
I had to adjust for my hips and I rode these on a recumbent bike – in the gym.
again, not keeping track of time, I was testing my ability.
blood sugar was fine – I drank a gatorade and ate the other part of the clif bar, and onto the next event.

So far, so good. Two events down. One to go.

WALK
I am not able to run because of my knees and hips – but I had already sought out spring tri’s that would allow me to walk as long as my average was 4 mph.
Distance was a 5k, which I had done many times before. I’d even completed them within the 1 hour time frame.
And, I did complete the 5k – I don’t remember the time, I don’t remember if I went further than the 5k, but I know I finished.

For those that know about my service dog – Gabriel was with me every moment – and he never alerted to blood sugar crashing or heart rate.
I went home.
I posted my success on some social media at the time.

did bike 8.42 miles(30 min); swim 8 laps(320 meters) in 18.14; Walk 3.17 mile in 60 minutes – then a curves workout. At this rate, it will take me 2 hours to finish the mini tri in February.

Three people posted. Online friends, but not those that I really wanted to have celebrate with me.
And oddly, I didn’t feel like celebrating.

Why talk about a practice tri when I’m talking about suicide?
BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER KNOW WHAT WILL TIP A PERSON OVER THE EDGE!
I should have been ecstatic! But all I could focus on was how I’d missed the length in the swim, and how long it would take to actually complete a mini tri.
All I could focus on was my failure.

The next morning, I tried to get my husbands attention.
There are two sides to every story. this is my side.
I needed him to show me he thought I was wonderful – even though I had overdone the day before and wasn’t feeling well.
We didn’t realize that my electrolytes were whacked out – that would show up later in the ICU. All I knew was I needed to feel loved and appreciated, and Jim was feeling like I was a needy person.
Just because you are married for 29 years doesn’t mean that you know how to communicate to each other.
That facts from my side were that Jim was not available.

I was often suffering from something, with the various issues I had, and that can wear down a person. Some mental and many physical with surgeries needing rehab. I constantly felt like a burden rather than a blessing to my family. Even the doctors’ offices called me ‘what’s next Mary” because I’d get better with one thing, and something else would break. Odd things…like a knee blowing out after a day at a festival, showing my art! Or like carpal tunnel going bad, and I wasn’t painting THAT much! Feet, Knees, Hips, Lower Back, Neck – one doctor said “You just started falling apart the day you turned 30!” And that’s what I felt like.

I had dealt with suicidal thoughts before, and while I am embarrassed to say it, my family had put up with this illness for years. But we had dealt with it – and I had a very good handle on it. I had a therapist and Psych doctor that were helping me to grow in my own confidence and self worth, and they had helped me to turn around.

But let’s go back to November 18th.
With the core belief that I am worthless at my core, and the brush off of my husband, and my children at that age that they want to be on their own, not listening to a whiny mom( I didn’t call any of them), my friends at work(whom I did not call)…I was all alone. Well, except for God and Gabriel, my dog.
And God didn’t seem to be answering – and Gabriel – well, he would make someone that was more worthy a great pet or service animal.
The pain and anguish of my life was closing in, choking me, clogging my brain with the horrible thoughts that had been in the background as long as I can remember.
As scrooge says “If they’d rather die then perhaps they had better do so and decrease the surplus population”
my worthless mass was taking up precious space on this earth.

I worked through my “when I’m suicidal” plan: written on a 3×5 I carried everywhere with me – and it had always worked before.
I went to Battelle Darby Metro park to try to clear my head – a typical calming method for me.
I played my Christian music. This usually lifts me up.
I read through my promises verses. I used them to beat myself over the head.
I called my therapist, AND my Christian Counselor, Jeff Pakone, in Indiana.
I called Jim and left a message that I was having trouble.
I ate…emotional bingeing.
I had to go buy the food – but I drove back to Battelle Darby – sitting in the trees – in the silence – I usually found peace. Not today.

At some point, I drove home, and instead of going in the house – I left the car on in the garage.
“there’s too much air circulating in this leaky garage – this won’t work!”
“You can’t even commit suicide right!”
“You are such a worthless case – why would anyone want to be bothered with you in their life?”
So many negative voices going off in my head, I couldn’t think straight.

RING!
Jeff Pakone called – and I told him how horrible I felt, that I didn’t feel wanted or needed by Jim.
That all I do is cause problems in other peoples’ lives, and therefore, I needed to stop taking up the air that is better left for someone who can make people happy, healthy or whatever.
That even admitting that I had this episode would be causing people more trouble.
That Jim didn’t want to deal with this stuff anymore, and I couldn’t make it stop.
I was sucking the life and finances out of everyone, my condition had stolen our wonderful home, our wonderful life with our wonderful children, caused divisions in our family, and left me with no one. I wanted the best for Jim and the kids – not this.
I never wanted the kids to live with a sick mom like I did – and here I am! Not the same sickness – but the same result. Sucks the joy out of their childhood.
I can even put in here how it is my fault that the world is not saved…if I had done what I should have done I would have led people to the love of Christ so that they would have freedom from the demons that haunt them at night! And yet, here I am, being haunted by the demons that had come out of the night into my day.
I just ran off all the things that were going on in my head….going around and around and around and I couldn’t get them to stop.

Jeff talked me down – and in fact he asked me if I was planning something to harm myself.
I had just chosen to turn off the car and go inside.
So, at that point, I could honestly say “No, I’m not planning anything now.”
Jeff had gotten me to a place where I could see the lies in the voices…and I was starting to get a handle on the whole situation…but I needed a little more help to make it.

With that said, I went into my house, and got the call from my therapist.

RING
One of the issues that my therapist was trying to work with me on was to get angry at others when I am hurt, not to beat myself up over it. Not to always take hurtful words and actions as a reflection on my personal worth.
She talked to me about my feelings about what had happened that morning, and that I was feeling unwanted, and she said “I want you to get angry at Jim – get ANGRY. You did nothing to deserve this treatment – and you have every right to be angry! You need to talk to Jim! do you feel ANGRY?”
Well, she only had a limited time to talk to me between her patients, so, I hung up.
the reason I have so much difficulty getting angry is that it is ingrained in me that anger is wrong…so, I blame myself.
But now, I’m angry…and I have mixed feelings about this…

I called Jim – and his response was “I know what you want, you want everyone to drop everything and come running to do what you want them to do!”
Yes.
That was what I wanted – needed – right then. I needed to have someone drop everything and come help me not kill myself.
And, in my mind, I realized that was not fair.
It wasn’t fair that I wanted Jim to get off work to come and support me so I didn’t kill myself.
It wasn’t fair for me to ask the children to help me not kill myself.
It wasn’t fair for me to ask my best friend to drive down from Cleveland to help me not kill myself.
Even her husband had said as much. It would be horrible if I caused more stress in her life.
Now I am angry….I have ruined everyone’s lives!!!!!
NOW I AM ANGRY THAT I HAVE CAUSED ALL THESE PROBLEMS!!!

So – what to do?
My favorite uncle did it, when I was in second grade.
A Great Uncle and Aunt did it to avoid cancer.
Mom did it, to avoid suffering.
Mom had told me that they had taken their ticket to heaven.
No more pain.
No more anguish.

Why not me?
I’m too much of a burden – and I can’t stand this pain any longer, inside or out.
The suicide hotlines delayed the inevitable. Yes, I called them.
the suicide websites told me to call for help – I did, and he didn’t want to come.
I’m angry – and I can see, as if it’s a movie, not a memory, me taking the locked plastic tool box that held all my medicine, and throwing it against the concrete floor.
Then, I forget what happened. I have no memory. It’s as if I blacked out.

From Jim’s description of the house when he got home:
I had put Gabriel upstairs in my bedroom.
The toolbox was busted on the ground with many empty medicine bottles lying all over the floor.

The next thing I realize is that I am driving, in our development – right at school release.
I was pretty sure I needed help. Now I’m starting to think a bit clearer….but it was too late!
There were schools at both ends of our development – and I was trying to drive for help.
But I didn’t want to go near the larger school – so I drove the other way, towards Alton/Darby.
When I got to Rt 40, which would take me to the hospital – there were too many cars and I was too groggy.
I couldn’t take the left turn towards the hospital.
I knew I wasn’t going to make it, and someone else might get hurt.
Too many people that way.
So, I turned right, and headed towards the Battelle Darby Creek park.
I think, partly because it was such a peaceful place for me, and partly, because there was so much less traffic.
I have no idea where my phone was.
What I did, was turn down the road towards the park, and as I was getting less and less clear headed – I pulled into an old driveway that had been fenced off for the park expansion.
I looked up at the house, and I went blank.
Even up to the last minute, I was trying to keep from harming anyone.
I didn’t want my death the harm anyone.

My next memory is waking up in ICU, with all sorts of tubes and wires and I don’t see anyone I know.
The nurse points out the bear on the shelf and said that Jim had brought it, and he had left.
I became hysterical – because, in my mind, that meant that he had gotten rid of my bear, and he had left me. I was really alone.
I was getting potassium, manganese, calcium, and a bunch of other stuff, electrolyte type stuff, via IV.

When I talked to my case worker she said:
Honey, do you know what you did?
sort of, but no.
You committed suicide. On the EMT’s paperwork they listed you as _____(I don’t remember this word). That means that when they got to you, you were dead. no pulse. no breathing. and we have no idea how long.

I had no comment

The emt’s had used a method to test responsiveness that is basically driving their knuckles into your sternum…and I had the bruises to prove it.
The emt’s had to pull me out of the car – and my one shoulder was sore to prove it.
When Jim got to the ER – several hours after I actually drove out of the driveway, they would not let him back into the area – and he says I was on life support.

I committed suicide on November 18th, 2009.
I was despondent, despairing of anything ever getting better.
and I was certain that I was the cause of all of the trouble in my family…and, actually, you could ask them, and they would tell you so!

I woke up, and nothing was changed, but me.
There is much more to this story, but the point of this story is that I committed suicide.
I didn’t have a bright light, a visitation with Jesus, or a visitation with the devil.
Just nothing.
And – I have had visions of Jesus when things have gone wrong with illness and I was near death…but not this time.
This time was MY choice.

I took a full bottle of Ambian – 3 months of 3x daily = 270 pills. The bottle was almost full.
I mixed it with various other medicines I had from all sorts of issues. But the Ambien is what put me to sleep.

I don’t remember taking any pills – this is from the investigative work of Jim and the police officer that came to help him.

And here’s the part that is dedicated to those people.
My husband got home about 2 hours after my event.
First, he had to figure out what had happened – and then he called the police.
There is an issue between Franklin County Sheriff and Columbus Police as to where the line is, but a police officer put out a missing person report and helped Jim know what to do.
Around the time that the missing person report was being filed, a Batelle Darby Metro Parks ranger(female I think) and a Franklin County Sherriff were at the intersection of the road. The Ranger had just driven by, and the Sheriff was just able to turn down that road as well.
The confirmed the car, and the EMT’s were called.
The EMT’s – I don’t know which ones – came and transported me to the hospital.

The timing of those two people being at the same intersection at the same time, just as they heard the missing person call go out is nothing short of miraculous.
I had been sitting there, overdosed, for at least 2 hours. But when they needed to hear the call – they were there!

I am afraid to do any ‘pushing’ type of exercise now.
I have not figured out why this happened.
It cannot be totally blamed on the mental illness, because I’d had that under control for a long time.
I’ve heard things about dehydration, even when drinking water….but when a doctor hears that I committed suicide, they don’t look into anything that could have triggered that.

But that’s not this story.
I committed suicide.
I’ve spent all my life listening to a voice that said “you have no reason to live, you should just die”
I’ve spent all my life hearing voices telling me how to kill myself.
When a doctor asks me if I have any suicide plans – I ask him how many he wants to know about…because, when you’ve lived with this voice all your life, you have made many plans.
The point is, I was triggered, by chemistry, the wrong words, and no one to turn to because everyone was too tired to help.

No one can know the triggers.
It is a horrible thing to be so despondent that the only option is to die.
And, I wasn’t even sure that I’d go to heaven, and I’d gotten to the point that I didn’t believe that God wanted me either, so it didn’t matter.

This is my story.
Yes, I still hear that little voice when I am very discouraged about things.
Yes, I still practice my anti suicide plan.
The difference now? A pastor came and spoke with me while I was in Psych care, and he helped me see that my death would not do anything for the Kingdom of God – and I am all about the Kingdom of God and making my KING pleased with me.
I don’t remember what he said right now, but what I remember is that He should me truth from the Word of God, and somehow, after 40 years of being saved, I realized that Jesus loved me.
Jesus loves ME!

I lost my therapist – because I’d broken our contract.
I almost lost my psychiatrist – she carried me through until I got another Psych. But it was because I broke my contract.
There is a mental condition I have that does take over…no, not shizophrenia…but the point is, I was cognizant that whole day, trying to find a way to fight back the inner demons that wanted me dead. And I failed. It would have only taken one person to sit with me.

In fact, we moved to Texas soon after this episode, and I had a friend that would just come sit with me, or have me over when I called and said, I just need to have someone near me.
Through those years, I was able to gain the strength to stand up to the demons – demons that are not spiritual, but true memories that haunt me.

This isn’t written in the best manner – but what I wanted to share was what happened to me – and that it could happen to anyone.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT COULD TIP A PERSON OVER TO COMMIT SUICIDE!
My mom died because the priest told me and the family to call her bluff.
My Great Uncle shot my aunt and then himself – because they could not bare to watch her go through the cancer, after watching their daughter die.
I committed suicide because Jim was told not to enable me by coming when I called.

It’s not his fault that I took those pills – but what if he had come home?
I wouldn’t have had access to the pills(which he took care of later, btw – a gun safe held my meds).
But it would have been written down as a failed attempt – just for attention.
Because, of course no one in their right mind would commit suicide!
That’s my point…I wasn’t in my right mind.
Those considering taking their life are not in their right mind.
I know there are some that do it for ‘revenge’, some that do it to ‘get back at them’
The fact is – there is a problem, and the only way that a person like this sees to make it right is to take themselves out of the question.

Mom’s letter said she did this because she didn’t want to be a burden on Jim’s and my marriage(one month earlier).
My Great Uncle and Aunt didn’t want anyone to have to watch her suffer.
I don’t know the reasoning behind my uncle’s suicide.

But I am sharing this as an example of one that succeeded, until the medical staff pulled me back.
I’ll always wonder if the difficulty I have with thinking, and doing things now is from the medicines I took, or from the lack of air, or what.

If this helps one person understand the mindset of a suicidal person – then I have done what I wanted to do, by publicly admitting this issue in my life.
If someone that is committing suicide is reading this – know there is help out there!
The voices telling you it will be better if you die – they are LIES!
And I assume that those that don’t care would just not make it this far in this long discourse.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.