doubt | The Wildberry Patch

I almost titled this “Step 8 Part 2” because, this sort of comes on the heels of that work in my life.

Step # 8 What if you can’t walk?
At that time(oh so long ago), I was struggling with the what if’s.
Yesterday, I was faced with this conversation with my Dr.
“So, if I have the surgery, what is the downside?”
– if it fails, we will need to fuse your ankle
“So, if this progresses, what will happen?”
-if it collapses, we will need to fuse your ankle
“Fuse my ankle, just what does that mean?”
-you could walk, but you won’t have much mobility

I checked out this stuff online, as every 21st century patient does….and the explanation of Avascular Necrosis on Mercy MD’s site says:
” This is the range of up and down motion (called dorsiflexion and plantarflexion) of the ankle following the total ankle replacement after a fracture of the talus associated with AVN.”

So, I asked “would I ever be able to walk a 5k again?”
Dr. B looked very serious at me, and said, “I’d like to say yes, but the truth is, I just don’t know.”

The “standard of care” is to stay off the ankle/affected area to allow it to heal. In my heart of hearts, I don’t feel that is right for me.
I can use a boot to support my ankle…but the standard of care is non weight bearing – and I just don’t feel right about that for me.
So, I was willing to go through surgery…since the other surgeries on my other foot went so well.
“This is not the same.”

Avascular Necrosis – dead bone from lack of blood.
Osteopenia – not replacing bone
Christi’s prognosis – not a lot of hope to get bone replaced into the dead area, if I’m losing it in the live area! So, why am I so gung ho on traumatizing the good bone to hopefully regenerate the dead bone?

History lesson on MCW –
In 1978, while on convalescent leave from the Navy, a chiropractor measured my legs, and found that one was 21cm longer than the other.
In 1981, Jim, newly Baptised in the Holy Spirit, and wanting to pray for my healing, prayed for my leg to grow. As the leg moved down the towel we placed under it to catch the ‘annointing’ kitchen oil…it was evident that my leg grew. When I stood up, we could see my hips level in the mirror, and he reached down to kiss me, and missed my mouth, as it had moved up…about 21cm.
In 1989, I was seeing a chiropractor for my neck, and he did a full body xray, as chiropractors in that day were prone to do. He mentioned a boney growth on the lower part of my spine. Jim asked him if that was something typical for someone that had one leg longer than the other. “Yes, to brace the spine due to the angle, but Christi doesn’t have one leg shorter than the other.” Jim proceeded to tell him about that night in 1981! That Dr. B said “then you ought to get to praying to get rid of that boney thing…”.
I have had multiple spine xrays and MRI’s and no one has asked about any boney thing on my spine again.

The moral of this story? God can cause 21 cm of bone, tissue and all to grow on His command, and when the leftovers aren’t needed, He can cause them to dissolve as well.

So, you may ask, what’s the problem? It’s DEAD bone, not missing leg! Just believe!!!

Ok, so read Step #8 again…I’ve been struggling with allowing myself to accept that God may not want me to walk again.
IF GOD DOES NOT WANT ME TO WALK AGAIN – I NEED TO BE FINE WITH IT!

Job 13:15 Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him:

Sounds spiritual, huh? I just got smacked in the face with the second half of this verse:

Job 13:15b but I will maintain mine own ways before him. (KJV)
NIV I will surely defend my ways to his face.
NLT I am going to argue my case with him.
NAS Nevertheless I will argue my ways before Him.

Youngs Literal Translation for Job 13:15
Lo, He doth slay me — I wait not! Only, my ways unto His face I argue.

Wow….where does that leave me? This is one of the discourses that leads to Job being reprimanded for thinking he can speak against the whirlwind of God’s Omniscience!!! As a side note…God seems to have been big enough to handle Job’s questions…and I know HE’S still big enough for my questions.

So – is there anywhere for this fatalistic mentality?
The three boys…thrown into the fiery furnace!

Dan 3:18 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, answered and said to the king, O Nebuchadnezzar, we [are] not careful to answer thee in this matter.
Dan 3:17 If it be [so], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver [us] out of thine hand, O king.
Dan 3:18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.

Ok, wait a minute. No one is asking me to bow down to or serve their gods. This is not a situation with persecution written on it!

What is it?
When I could not walk in the Navy – God gave me Isaiah 40:31

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint

It was a song from a Christian youth group that held my heart through bootcamp.
It has been a large part of much of my testimony.
And it is my life verse.

It is the basis for this series – 100 Spiritual Walking Steps.
So what am I going to do?
I can’t argue with my own post…I need to find the basis for a solid foundation(other foundation can no man lay than that is laid which is Jesus Christ) – and WALK IT OUT.

Bill Gotherd once said, in a seminar, If God can use you more out of a wheelchair, then nothing can keep you in that wheelchair. If God can use your more IN that wheelchair, then nothing anyone can do can get you out, nor would you want to.

I think God wants me to walk.
I am sure that this promise (Is 40:31) has been a guiding force (solid rock) through out my life.
I don’t expect to be mounting up with wings as eagles…but..
renew my strength? Yes
walk and not be weary? I hope so
run and not faint? He did that for me in the Navy to pass the PT test.

So, what’s my problem?

Heb 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

I HOPE that He wants to make me walk.
I KNOW that HE can make me walk.
FAITH is what bridges those two together.
and right now, my faith is a little weak….

Mark 9:23-24 Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things [are] possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.

I do HAVE faith – Jesus says so!Well, actually, he says that IF we had faith the grain of a mustard seed…..and in Romans it talks about the measure of faith given to every man….the point is….I have been given faith….Eph 2:8 – faith is a gift!

It needs to grow – like the mustard seed….
and when it is weak, well…
They that WAIT UPON THE LORD SHALL RENEW THEIR STRENGTH – OF FAITH????

If God healed my leg once, or however many times…has HE changed or have I?

There is NO benefit in surgery…or non weight bearing exercise according to the included article…they both end in the same unacceptable thing – fused ankle.
I am confessing at this point that it is easier for me to believe that God will heal the dead bone than to reconstruct an ankle with steel nails and screws in it.

that said – I am confessing here…on August 5, 2011…that I believe that God will restore the dead bone, and not permit my ankle to collapse.
I want to believe that I will be walking 5ks again.
I want to believe that I will be able to do a sprint triathlon – this time with a crowd – again.
I want to believe that I can walk into and out of the Grand Canyon.
I want to believe that I can walk a marathon…well, that I could….not that I would at 4 mph of walking….

To that end, I will take off my boot, and go walking up to the pool today…and have fun.

So – what if they tell you, ‘you can’t walk’? check it out with the Creator first…HE may have other things to say.
Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.