**author note – I am going to post this, before it’s completely pretty – because I want to post this now. I’ll pretty it up later, and add appropriate links and reference. ~mcw**

Exercising
Eating Clean
Clear thinking
Functional Strength
walking with no pain
dreaming of exercising – Yes, I’m serious!

For the last two years, I have done various ‘diets’ to clean up my ‘act.
A sugar detox – prescribed by my naturopathic doctor in Texas
Whole30 – attempted over and over and over – until it’s a Whole24/7/365.
Various Cleanses
Fruit Flush

All this has done is prove to me over and over that I am sensitive to certain food groups:

grains
dairy
sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar

I have noticed that these food groups cause undesirable reactions:

grains – sleepiness
dairy – phlegm, among other things
sugar – inflammation, which causes pain, which flares Fibromyalgia

This is my new me –

To care for myself – and to choose foods because they make me feel good – not because they feed my emotional distress.
To care for myself – and to choose to do things that keep my hips moving, my knees strong, my ankles flexible – and protecting my neck.
To care for myself – because I like me – not because of anyone else’s opinion.

I have done many diets over the years, and some were successful in losing weight, but I still had the eating disorders and the mental baggage.

This year, 2014, I have worked on myself within the group called Nerd Fitness. I started the year with a whole30 – and lost 20 pounds – then gained it all back, even though I was working through challenges within the forum groups.
Why did I gain it back?
My brain or my emotions or my whatever continued to WANT the things that make me sick.
My mind allowed excuses –

I hurt, so I need……
I’m celebrating, so I need….
I’m along, so I need….
I’m traveling, so I need, want, can have….

and so many more, that I have realized that my 54 years have not been focused upon fuel, but stuffing…stuffing emotional pain.
If all I did was have a piece of pie once a month for a celebration,
Or had some special food item at a travel destination,
I would naturally burn that off – as I exercise my life.

but I didn’t do that.

pints of ice cream –
pies – 1/2 and sometimes whole pies
bags of candy
burgers and fries for comfort memories
diet pop

These are the some of the choices I have made over the last 20 years.

I have blamed all the surgeries I’ve had since 1989.
Yes, hormones, metabolism, injuries, immobilization boots, excruciating pain, heart rate issues and more, can be blamed for not exercising.
But over the years, I have learned to modify exercising – and I have had success…why haven’t I continued?
I have been lazy in many ways.

I have had legitimate reasons for not ‘exercising’ in the manner in which most fitness trainers suggest. There was a time, just walking could cause a tendon to rupture – which meant surgery – which meant 8-12 weeks rehab.

But, how did I deal with subsequent surgeries?
I felt sorry for myself.
I was like Job – I sat on my recliner (like his dung pile) and cried “woe is me!”
Because I was emotionally distraught – I ate.
And, I did not exercise what I could!
And I did not draw nearer and nearer to God.
I blamed God for allowing me to go through all this pain – amongst other emotional pains. And I will stand by the fact that HE is in control of everything – while also allowing me freedom of choice. How that works is not something that I comprehend on this earth, I just take it by faith.
But I didn’t allow these challenges to continue to draw me closer.

In Job’s story – when he was first challenged – he came through with flying colors!
As God allowed the enemy to take more and more from him – Job cracked.
He even despaired of life itself.
His wife told him “curse God and die!”

His friends – oh the “Job’s friends” that came to ‘encourage him’!
“confess your sins and this will stop!”
But Job wasn’t aware of any sins within himself – God himself had said Job was righteous. So Job tries to convince his friends that he hasn’t done anything – that God had just decided to allow these things – and he had no idea why. And yet, Job preached – and his words are recorded, and used to encourage us who would give up.

In the end – God showed Job the bit of sin still in his heart – and Job repented, received a new understanding of God, and a relationship with Him, and His friends got a new understanding of grace and mercy!

What does that have to do with me?
My weight is a direct outcome of my lack of leaning on Jesus.

• When I am hurt – I should go to the Holy Spirit for comfort –
  but I’ve gone to ice cream, chocolate, pies.
• When I am angry – I should go to my savior, and receive HIS grace to release the anger, and respond as Christ would respond, but I’ve eaten sweets to stuff it down.
• When I am alone – I should go to Jesus who will never leave me nor forsake me, but I eat sweet and salty things to feed my aloneness.
• When I am bored – I should fill my mind with good things, and exercise my body for energy and health to care for this temple of the Holy Spirit, but I sit and watch tv, movies, play games.

For me – putting anything between me and God is committing idolatry.
For me – when I go to something other than God for help, I am committing idolatry.

I don’t mean that I can’t get help from other places – because that is why God created us to be a tribal/community driven creature. And, God has brought many people into my life that have helped me overcome.

I do mean – I need to pray – speak to God, through Jesus Christ, in the Holy Spirit – before any other ‘device’.
And self damaging reactions are NOT God’s way.

Here are just a few comparisons:

Sitting in a chair, watching tv OR listening to worship songs that cause me to dance before the Lord!
Eating ice cream so fast I can hardly taste it OR writing out my feelings, and dealing with them in TRUTH.
Cramming huge portions of food into my mouth like a pig OR talking and laughing with friends around a table for celebrations, being a light and joy.
Cutting myself to release endorphins OR going on a prayer walk.

For me – when I do not care for this temple that God has entrusted to me, when I take this temple into temples that do not honor God, I am sinning.

• I am confessing, before anyone that reads this, that I repent of this mindset of leaning on everything other than the Most High God.
• I confess of using ‘things’ to stuff the challenges that God has given to me, for my growth.
• I confess being lazy – not wanting to grow anymore! Yes – true!
• I confess that I have used food as a slow form of suicide – knowing thigns would eventually kill me.
• I confess that I have not been a faithful caretaker of this temple –
  and I ask forgiveness, and I ask for mercy, and I ask for grace to turn things around.

I have been turning things around this year – by the grace of Jesus Christ – but I need to make a stand.

And, because of this repentance –
I am a new me – and this time, I pray that the old Christine stays gone – passed away, and all things are becoming new!

Exercise – Eat right – Excitement

I wake up at night – and do leg exercises.
I miss my morning Fasting Low Intensity Cardio walks!
I miss my worship dancing – and being in the presence of God.
I miss my meditative art.
I don’t want things to make me feel bad.
I want to eat things that nourish my body – so that I can live the life that God has prepared for me, and this temple shines with His glory!

Go tell ‘John’ what you see and hear:
The lame walk
The blind see
and the poor receive the gospel.

I was lame – and now I walk.
I was blinded to my responsibility – but now I see.
I was falling away from the gospel, and feeling poorly spiritually – but God, through Jesus Christ, has breathed the Holy Spirit into me anew – and the gospel is the story.

This is the new me. Welcome to my Journey.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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