Tag Archives: suicide

Let Go Let God illustration

My One Word – Letting Go – Suicide?

Welcome to my thoughts. I am pretty open and honest about what I am going through.

This year, 2023, I have received a phrase for my annual ONE WORD focus, Let Go.

I have written a lot about my issues with suicidal thoughts.

I am dealing with some health issues.

  • I am five years clean from Kidney Cancer – so that’s good.
  • My HbA1c has dropped to better numbers. Technically, DM2 is in remission – so that’s good.
  • I’m getting injections in my back for a disk that is compromised – so that’s good.
  • I’m losing weight – a comorbidity to many diseases – so I’m moving forward
  • I have cirrhosis – non repairable – leads to a transplant if progresses before I’m 70
      • this is NOT good – and is a terminal condition.
    • My liver scores are lower, by half, than ever in decades – this should be good.
    • I was disappointed to see that. The life changes I’ve done have slowed down the degenerative nature of the cirrhosis.

Did you see what I said? I was disappointed to see that things were improving.

I had the same feeling when I heard that the second cyst in my other kidney was not changing – no evidence of that one turning cancerous like the first one did.

WHY AM I DISAPPOINTED THAT MY HEALTH ISSUES ARE IMPROVING?

BECAUSE I WILL LIVE LONGER.

I’ve talked about suicide. Here’s one of my posts that talk about the cycle and of passive suicide.  This one was written January 2009.  I committed suicide, was found non responsive and was brought back to life by Emergency medical people on November 18, 2009.

Now to today.  When I found out that my liver disease was going to kill me, I was relieved.  You see, as my faith is, I cannot commit suicide without eternal negative ramifications.  I hold in my mind two disagreeing positions.  I cannot commit suicide, but the ones that I know who have committed suicide, I believe that God is a merciful God and will see their struggles and grant them access to the Kingdom of God. But I cannot allow that belief to be true for me, or I will again choose to kill myself.

Since 2015, because of a two month program with La Amistad in Winter Park, Florida, I have looked forward to living.  I would say I don’t want to die.  I would try to do things that were alive and living and helping others.  I was trying to have a purpose for my life, and I believed I had one.

Until the other day.  When the realization of the liver numbers hit me, and I was thinking why am I sad about that, I was shocked.  That means that my life may well be extended. That means that I really need a purpose, goals, steps and plans for the future.  I may be here longer than age 70. Damn it.

But wait!  I was saying I wanted to live – was that a lie?  No – I wanted to live the life I had left with vim and vigor.  And I was content that it wasn’t going to be long – my liver was going to finish me off.  I was comforted by the fact that my body was going to cut my life short.  I would not be responsible for that.

I actually started looking back at the last 6 months and wondered what I had been doing that might have had this change in my liver!

  • food?
    • no – going back to the 6 months ago labwork, I had been on my trip, eating fast food, processed food, and drinking a lot of diet pop.
  • exercise?
    • no – going back to the 6 months labs,  I was travelling – in a truck.  I walked the dog 3 times a day.  Not far.
  • coffee?
    • yes, the doctor told me to drink coffee, but I like it cold so I didn’t drink coffee on the trip, but I drank diet caffein pop, several canfulls.
    • when I went through drive throughs I bought the largest diet cola they had, with lite ice.  easily 64 ounces a day – often more.

I have no idea what I did to create these great blood lab numbers! And I wanted to reverse what I was doing.  Here’s the rub:

  • food?
    • I moved out of my trailer into an apartment, which has hit my budget so that I can’t eat out so much.
    • In addition, I’ve started making my own food – for budget sake and for liver sake
  • exercise?
    • I’m walking the dog 2-3 times a day, and often we go to the dog park area in our community and I play soccer with her – me kicking the ball, doing leg raises to try to get the ball from her, jumping around playing keep away.
    • I’m doing some basic exercises daily in front of the TV to mitigate pain
  • coffee?
    • well now – I’ve gotten a bit addicted to cold brew coffee, and drinking it for the morning – at least 3 cups.
    • I was given a small coffee drip maker and I’m making my own coffee for putting over ice.

The only thing I can do is to stop the coffee – and it really is helping me in other ways. I’ve even continued taking NSAIDS because of pain, and they are not affecting the numbers.  So, I’m cursed to remain on these paths towards better health.  Better Health means longer life.  I am disappointed.

I could be all spiritual about this and say that it’s because I want to go and be with Jesus, which is true, but this is not the spirit behind this disappointment.  I recognize this spirit.  It’s the same one, cleaned up and wrapped up differently, than the one that wanted me to die – to leave this world, and all it’s struggles, despair and disappointment.  This is the Suicide Spirit – just passive.

Passive Suicide.

I’ll be writing more about this, because I have history with several types of passive suicide. I just didn’t know that I was still being ruled by one.
LET GO
Who would have thought that letting God would mean that I needed to search my heart deep and Let Go of a sneaky, stealthy enemy lurking deep in my heart, secretly rejoicing in the probability of my demise.

I didn’t think it was there.
Jeremiah 17:9 (KJV)

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Proverbs 20:5 (HCSB)

Counsel in a man’s heart is deep water; but a man of understanding draws it out.

1 Corinthians 2:11a (BSB)

11 For who among men knows the thoughts[a] of a man except the spirit of the man that is in him?

I went through a very overt struggle over December with desires to not live, to not wake up, to not go another minute.  My doctor, my therapist and the pharmacist, as well as leaders of my groups helped me through those days.  But I was very aware of those urges, because of anniversaries and triggering memories.

  • No one knows about this deep dark desire to die early, by whatever means my body would give me.
  • No one knows how I’ve thought about DNR
  • and about end of time maintenance, comfort care in hospice.
  • No one knows how disappointed I am in this turn towards health.

This is silent
This is passive
This is suicidal ideation, as a core thought process.

LET GO
I have known suicide at least as far back as when I was 16, and then it was as real to me that I talked to a psychiatrist that let me know that all 16 year olds had thoughts of killing themselves. I have since talked to friends and asked them, do they think of dying, by their own hand or by disease? NO! is the answer – a resounding NO! And those that have disease look to death as a release, but not a desire. And they have to do the mental hoop jumping to get themselves in a positive mindset that if death is the end result they will leave peacefully, having gotten their affairs in order. This peace, this resolve to face their destiny is not what I’m talking about with me.

Deep down, I want to die. I don’t want to do this anymore.
I’m tired of the fights.
I’m tired of the push.
I’m tired of the abuse.
I’m tired of the effort it takes to walk out into the world and try to be a smiling, joyful person – even though that is basically what I am in public. Am I a fake? No, most of me is joyful, not wanting to burden anyone with sadness, but rather bless them with a smile. I love to do that. That is who I am.

But so is this.
And I have to Let Go.
I don’t know what will happen if I let go.
The saying Let Go and Let God come flooding in at this moment.

We are made in God’s image – triune. Body, Mind and Spirit. But, while God the Father seems to be the reigning part of the Godhead – our bodies tend to be our reigning aspect. Our minds can also get so bogged down with negative things that it can be the reigning aspect. And if there is trauma, messing up the healthy connection between mind and body, things can get twisted. Cognitive Distortions come along. The healthy mental pathways don’t get laid down properly. The basic animal instinct of survival of the fittest is overwritten with thoughts that I am not the fittest, that I don’t belong, that I am a detriment to the others that need to survive.  These can lead to depression, which can lead to suicidal ideations.

I am giving up this mentality because it is a door that keeps the good things of the Lord from flooding in.  It keeps me from truly feeling the joy that comes from living my life for Jesus Christ.  It makes it difficult to practice self care – because I don’t deserve it, or it might extend my life – this life I want nothing to do with.

BUT GOD!  I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. I believe the promises in Christ are yes and amen.

  • 2 Cornithians 1:20 (NIV)
    • For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.
  • Jeremiah 29:11 Berean Standard Bible –
    • 11For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.
  • And with the promise in Jeremiah comes some extra blessings from God (Jer 29:12-13)
    •  12Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. 1
  • Deuteronomy talks about choices after being set free from captivity – which I have been to suicide. (Deut 30:11-20 NLT)
    • 15 “Now listen! Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster. 16 For I command you this day to love the Lord your God and to keep his commands, decrees, and regulations by walking in his ways. If you do this, you will live and multiply, and the Lord your God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy.

I have to make a choice.  A deep down in my heart choice.  To root out this deadly thought process so that it cannot jump up and grab me again, messing with my mind and setting in motion things that will be detrimental to my living the life that God has prepared for me.

woman at sunset with arms outstretchedI will LET GO of the desire to die.

I will LET GOD fill me with HIS light and life, to wash out all darkness.

I am grateful to God that He chose to expose this to me so that I could repent and turn back to Him.

Please keep me in your prayer as I continue to walk this path, and as I continue to advocate for Suicide Awareness, and Suicide Prevention,

If you or anyone  you know is having trouble and could possibly consider suicide, or self harm, Please call 988. If you are a veteran, press 1.  There is help. Some even understand what we are struggling with, and will walk with us.

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Depression, Dreams, Discussion, Despair, Drama, and I ?

What do you do when dreams come up that bring the trauma of the past back into your mind, triggering the body memories, the emotions, the lost feelings, the trapped feelings, the despair that once led to suicide?

I have several outlets.
I write:

I paint – and try to create peace with the paintings:

I do Bible journaling:

Psalm 23

Psalm 23

But is that what takes care of the issues that are buried deep and come out in dreams to be dealt with?

No.

It deals with the emotions of the now…that may or may not have current issues that triggered them.

There are various types of therapy that are used to try to heal the past, and here’s one I found on Goot Theray about the 4 steps to Erasing the Trauma of the Past.

I’m going to say that yes, sometimes this works.
If it worked 100% of the time, we would not have so many Veterans still suffering from PTSD.

In the general population, the numbers are staggering, to me:

70 % of adults experience at least one traumatic experience in their lifetime.
20% of those will develop PTSD.
About 8 million – MILLION – people have PTSD in a given year
1 in 13 will develop PTSD in their lifetime.

That’s a pandemic!
Information obtained from PTSD Facts and Statistics provided by Recovery Village.

I guess I’m not so special – 1 of 8 million…

Depression is Deadly:

More than 32,000 people commit suicide each year in the United States. Additionally, there are more than half a million unsuccessful suicide attempts. Nearly 1 million people commit suicide worldwide annually, and the estimated number of suicide attempts ranges from 10 million to 20 million.

information obtained from Facts about Suicde provided by Treatment4Addiction.

The CDC lists intentional self harm (suicide) as the 10th leading cause for death in the united states. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/deaths.htm

Depression, D(T)rauma, Despair, Death.

And those hidden memories that come up out of seemingly nowhere can be the start of someone spiraling down that depression whirlpool, being sucked in by the repeated memory, the ugly thoughts about themselves, the words and actions of the other person, the negative words given by others, the ignoring of the ‘secret’, don’t tell, don’t speak, don’t discuss – JUST DEAL!

the point is that once a person is damaged from trauma…they CAN’T DEAL. That’s what PTSD is all about!

There are chemical reactions in the brain – changes – that affect the ability to “DEAL” –
How PTSD effects the brain – great article.
How PTSD and Trauma affect Your Brain Functioning – by Psychology Today.
The effects of PTSD on the Hippocampus

They key is that trauma is once.
PTSD is trauma over a period of time – usually something that happened that the person could not get to a safe place and sensed a threat to their lives. No escape.
Each person with PTSD is different because each trauma is different.
The brain is rewired.
Many times, maybe most, the sufferer is not in control of the reaction to triggers.
Medications – well, most of them dull your senses…think a medical frontal lobotomy. It depends on the medication. It depends on the person. But I have not heard of anyone that says the medication had no side effects. Sometimes it’s great – like the combo that I am on and have been for many years.

For the most part, I can seem functional.
Then, dreams stir up memories.
Then, something happens that reminds me of an undealt with wound.

Last night – I had a series of those dreams. Dreams about someone that is alive, and continues to do things that trigger my memories, and has no intention of working through those memories, much less changing any behaviors to deal with those memories or apologize.

My other traumas deal with people who are dead, or whom I have no way of knowing where they are.
I can deal with those memories with forgiveness – and letting go.
They cannot hurt me any more.
It doesn’t matter that they didn’t care that they hurt me, repeatedly.
It’s over.
It can’t happen again.
I am safe.
I am free.

But to deal with people that are alive is a different story.
Current issues – that cannot be reconciled – they continue to cause repeated wounds, bringing back up the same issues of being used, being unwanted, being a burden, not being good enough for whatever.

Old issues that were never dealt with – some that led to traumatic actions on my part, have the potential to cause the same whirlpool sucking reaction…depending on where I am in my mental health.

Healthy – I can deal with them by the above method – the 4 steps above. I can address the lies with truth – though some ‘truth’ does not align with my personal concept of truth. I will always see myself as a burden as long as people do not have time to treat me with common courtesy, concern, or compassion. It’s hard to lift your own opinion of yourself when others continue to act in ways that confirm those very self images. If someone felt ugly, and another person of high importance in their lives continued to try to hide their face, or cover their face or disguise them – those actions would confirm the person’s self image – even if words are said to the contrary.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

So So Healthy – tired of the fight, but continuing. Trying to pull up from the slippery slope to depression. I try to deal with the thoughts with positives…but positives are hard to come by. and, many times they feel a bit Pollyanna-ish. I don’t live in Disney World where everything turns happy by the wave of a wand. I don’t have a fairy godmother that will send me to the ball where I will all of the sudden be embraced by everyone as someone special. I’m still a nobody – and so many things prove it.

False compliments(proven false by actions or words afterwards, or their lack of validity) – like giving a compliment to try to appease a situation, and the compliment has no validity – thanks for doing the dishes – and I didn’t. Thanks for cleaning up the whatever – you did, not me, you just forgot. You are doing so well in thus and such – when thus and such is worse than two weeks ago. You rode your bike well – when I fell off. Your writing is amazing – what was it about? ummmmmm.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS – BUT WORDS HURT.

Depressed – I might realize that I need to call my doctor or therapist to help me out of this slide…but by this time, my mind is becoming foggy from the brain chemistry, and I can’t think straight. It has been confirmed that I am a burden – by grunts, groans, ignoring, walking away from conversations, blaming me for the problem of depression, or pain, or weakness, or being hurt by words or actions.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. WORDS HURT. IGNORING CAN BE DEADLY.

Despair – no way out, no escape, nothing matters, no one cares, no one can help, no one wants to help, I’m not worth help, I don’t deserve help, everyone would be better off without me.

At this time, I have fought and fought, practiced my emergency protocol as a last ditch effort. Above, I’ve practiced every form of therapy option that I know of to clear up this depression, destructive thoughts, and despair. Now, I’m begging for help – and no one is listening. No one wants to understand what’s going on in order to possibly help me unwind this whirlpool, much less pull me out and get reset.

This is when I’m fighting for my life – and if no one else thinks my life is worth fighting for, well, that confirms it, doesn’t it? I’m not worth fighting for. So, why fight? I have nothing left with which to fight, and no one to fight alongside me.

This is where it gets deadly.

How can someone help prevent this downward spiral?

Listen – just listen.
Work through issues – with a concern to actually work out conflict
Be present – most will not hurt themselves when a person is with them.
Help to go through the self care protocols, the self emergency protocols, the path towards a reset.
Understand the triggers – and don’t be part of the problem.

How long does it take to spiral?

I’ve done it in one day – but that time took a very deadly turn.

I talk a lot about love. What do I mean by love?

1 Corinthians 13:1-8 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
Love: The Superior Way
13 If I speak human or angelic languages
but do not have love,
I am a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
2 If I have the gift of prophecy
and understand all mysteries
and all knowledge,
and if I have all faith
so that I can move mountains
but do not have love, I am nothing.
3 And if I donate all my goods to feed the poor,
and if I give my body in order to boast[a]
but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient,
love is kind.
Love does not envy,
is not boastful,
is not conceited,
5 does not act improperly,
is not selfish,
is not provoked,
and does not keep a record of wrongs.
6 Love finds no joy in unrighteousness
but rejoices in the truth.
7 It bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.

8 Love never ends.

Some people think that this is not possible.

John 13:34-35 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
34 “I give you a new command: Love one another. Just as I have loved you, you must also love one another.
35 By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Jesus commanded us to love. JUST AS HE LOVED US!!! Would Jesus give us a command we could not keep? That wouldn’t be fair.

Matthew 23:11-12 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
11 The greatest among you will be your servant.
12 Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

Jesus said to be a servant – and to be humbled. Isn’t that sort of embodied in 1 Corinthians 13?

John 15:9-14 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
9 “As the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you. Remain in My love.
10 If you keep My commands you will remain in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commands and remain in His love.

11 “I have spoken these things to you so that My joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.
12 This is My command: Love one another as I have loved you.
13 No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends.
14 You are My friends if you do what I command you.

This describes how Jesus loved us…laying down his life for us – his friends.

Now, here’s a bit of the twisted thinking of someone with PTSD –
I love my family and friends so much that I will take my own life to relieve the burden of me from their lives.

Yes, I still have those thoughts – especially when I am in the depressed or despair levels. When I am obviously too much of a burden because of my physical, mental, and emotional illnesses, I want to relieve them of those pressures. They have plenty! They don’t need me, therefore, why continue?

Because I have worked through the whole suicide thing, and I’ve become a bit more selfish – I won’t kill myself for anyone.

This took 40 years of work to get to this place – and it still comes up.
I still get confirmation that I am a burden – because my issues do not warrant conflict resolution, consideration of triggers, compassionate understanding, when it’s at the good or so so levels. When I’m suicidal – well, even then, there’s the sense that they don’t want to deal with it again. Making it feel like I really need to make sure that if there is every another time, it will be the last and final time.

I am not a productive member of society.
I’m not even a productive member of our family.
I’m not even a productive wife.

I am just living, existing, with no benefit to those around me.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. BUT WORDS CAN HURT. ACTIONS AND WORDS CAN BE DEADLY.

How fast? I’ve known the thoughts to come almost instantly during a request for help that goes unanswered.

INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS – Albert Einstein

The very saddest part of the person with PTSD, depression or any other mental illness is how often people tell them that they are there for them, but when they ask for help, there’s no answer. After a while, why bother. The actions prove they only had words – no actual concern for the person’s welfare.

Now, I can do the Pollyanna thing here and say of course those others have their own lives, and are not responsible for helping someone with mental illness.
I can say that other people are not responsible for my choices, my reactions, my responses – my suicide attempts.

But there are two sides of the coin.
When there are triggers that can be avoided by someone, out of respect, and they continue to repeat that action…do they actually care? If they know that a specific behavior can put someone into a severe depression, possibly self harm and suicide = don’t they have some responsibility?

If someone runs a red light, and hits another car, and kills the drive – they are held responsible.
Yes, it was the other drivers choice to be driving on that road at that time.
The other driver ignored warning signs – STOP signs – and hit the other person.
Who’s responsible?

Sometimes I need help.
Sometimes I need listened to.
Sometimes I need conflict resolution to erase the wounds from the past that keep coming up and poisoning my present, threatening my future.

Does anyone care?

 
Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

2018 Lent day Fifteen – 3/2 Betrayal

Lent Devotions
Lent Week Two for catch up.
Lent Week Three – next week.

We have created a facebook group to follow and discuss, please join! – 40 days of Lent!

Lent Day Fifteen
Judas exposed

John 13:21-28 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
Judas’s Betrayal Predicted
21 When Jesus had said this, He was troubled in His spirit and testified, “I assure you: One of you will betray Me!”

22 The disciples started looking at one another—uncertain which one He was speaking about. 23 One of His disciples, the one Jesus loved, was reclining close beside Jesus.[a] 24 Simon Peter motioned to him to find out who it was He was talking about. 25 So he leaned back against Jesus and asked Him, “Lord, who is it?”

26 Jesus replied, “He’s the one I give the piece of bread to after I have dipped it.” When He had dipped the bread, He gave it to Judas, Simon Iscariot’s son.[b] 27 After Judas ate the piece of bread, Satan entered him. Therefore Jesus told him, “What you’re doing, do quickly.”

28 None of those reclining at the table knew why He told him this.

Matthew 26:20-25 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
20 When evening came, He was reclining at the table with the Twelve. 21 While they were eating, He said, “I assure you: One of you will betray Me.”

22 Deeply distressed, each one began to say to Him, “Surely not I, Lord?”

23 He replied, “The one who dipped his hand with Me in the bowl—he will betray Me. 24 The Son of Man will go just as it is written about Him, but woe to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed! It would have been better for that man if he had not been born.”

25 Then Judas, His betrayer, replied, “Surely not I, Rabbi?”

“You have said it,” He told him.

Mark 14:17-20 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
Betrayal at the Passover
17 When evening came, He arrived with the Twelve. 18 While they were reclining and eating, Jesus said, “I assure you: One of you will betray Me—one who is eating with Me!”

19 They began to be distressed and to say to Him one by one, “Surely not I?”

20 He said to them, “It is one of the Twelve—the one who is dipping bread with Me in the bowl.

Crosswalk provides a nice discussion on the deeper meaning of the thirty coins.

I shared in Lent day Nine that I felt that Judas may not have realized that the enemy had entered him.

There is a progression.

  • he gets upset about the woman using the anointing oil, rather than selling it. Matthew 26
  • John says it’s because he’s a thief and concerned about money. John 12
  • He goes to the leaders – asks how much will you give me? Matthew 26
  • HE CONTINUES TO WALK WITH JESUS! is he decieved?
  • HE PARTICIPATES IN THE LORD’S SUPPER – THE BREAD AND THE CUP – THE FOOT WASHING. does he know?
  • Jesus confronts him, politely, discretely, but Judas KNOWS that Jesus KNOWS! the above Scriptures
  • and he betrays Jesus with kiss.
  • In his distress and dispair Judas hangs himself – Matthew 27:3-10

Matthew 27:3-10 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
Judas Hangs Himself
3 Then Judas, His betrayer, seeing that He had been condemned, was full of remorse and returned the 30 pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders. 4 “I have sinned by betraying innocent blood,” he said.

“What’s that to us?” they said. “See to it yourself!”

5 So he threw the silver into the sanctuary and departed. Then he went and hanged himself.

6 The chief priests took the silver and said, “It’s not lawful to put it into the temple treasury,[a] since it is blood money.”[b] 7 So they conferred together and bought the potter’s field with it as a burial place for foreigners. 8 Therefore that field has been called “Blood Field” to this day. 9 Then what was spoken through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled:

They took the 30 pieces of silver, the price of Him whose price was set by the Israelites, 10 and they gave them for the potter’s field, as the Lord directed me.[c]

Tomorrow, we’re looking at Peter. What is the difference between Judas and Peter? Why did Judas commit suicide and Peter did not?

I believe it is the heart issue.
We’ve talked a lot about how works are the evidence of our salvation. The outward sign of our inner work is how the Episcopalians describe sacraments. Neither the sacraments, nor the disciplines of faith, nor even the fruits gain us salvation, but they are evidences of our salvation. Jesus said that we can know them by their fruit.

    • Judas was willing to betray this man – but Peter was not willing to have him wash his feet!
    • Judas was known to be a thief – but Peter was willing to step out on water, and was declaring his dying loyalty!
    • Judas did not understand the concept of forgiveness – Peter had been taught over and over, and was alive to experience Christ’s forgiveness.

Denying Christ comes with heavy penalty –

1 John 2:20-23 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
20 But you have an anointing from the Holy One, and all of you have knowledge.[a] 21 I have not written to you because you don’t know the truth, but because you do know it, and because no lie comes from the truth. 22 Who is the liar, if not the one who denies that Jesus is the Messiah? This one is the antichrist: the one who denies the Father and the Son. 23 No one who denies the Son can have the Father; he who confesses the Son has the Father as well.

There’s not much difference between denying and betraying…except that Peter knew of the forgiveness of God.

Esau despised his birthright – Genesis 25, and when he lost his inheritance, he cried out for forgiveness. Genesis 27:38.
He rejected God’s grace upon his life.

Hebrews 12:14-17 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
Warning against Rejecting God’s Grace
14 Pursue peace with everyone, and holiness—without it no one will see the Lord. 15 Make sure that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble and by it, defiling many. 16 And make sure that there isn’t any immoral or irreverent person like Esau, who sold his birthright in exchange for one meal. 17 For you know that later, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected because he didn’t find any opportunity for repentance, though he sought it with tears.

We are given warnings that time could run out!

Hebrews 6:4-8 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
4 For it is impossible to renew to repentance those who were once enlightened, who tasted the heavenly gift, became companions with the Holy Spirit,
5 tasted God’s good word and the powers of the coming age,
6 and who have fallen away, because, to their own harm, they are recrucifying the Son of God and holding Him up to contempt.
7 For ground that has drunk the rain that has often fallen on it and that produces vegetation useful to those it is cultivated for receives a blessing from God.
8 But if it produces thorns and thistles, it is worthless and about to be cursed, and will be burned at the end.

Psalms 2:12 Holman Christian Standard Bible
Pay homage to the Son or He will be angry and you will perish in your rebellion, for His anger may ignite at any moment. All those who take refuge in Him are happy.

Isaiah 55:6-7 King James Version (KJV)
6 Seek ye the Lord while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:
7 Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

Psalm 55 is a prayer in response to betrayal by a friend.

As Jesus said over and over, one who was chosen became a devil.
For me, this answers the question of free will.
Judas was chosen.
He chose to betray Christ.
He chose to take his own life, rather than seek forgiveness as far as we know.

Peter was chosen.
He chose to deny Christ.
He chose to re-evaluate his life, and Jesus called him to feed His sheep.

You and I are chosen.
I choose to follow Jesus.
What will you choose?

Got Questions provides a detailed explanation of The Roman’s Road.
Billy Graham’s version of the Plan of salvation

Prayer and Worship

You Love me Still – Sidewalk Prophets
Just AS I am – Mercy Me
Your Grace Finds me – Matt Redmon

I have a very special place in my heart for those that are struggling with suicide.

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

Older woman with shades of coral in jewelry and sweater, glasses, silver and brown hair.

M. Christine Wildman

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Depression Journal – Feb 6, 2018

author’s note – this post is a bit depressing…but if you hold on until the end, there is hope! I promise! ~C

It’s February.
my seriously difficult time for depression is between September and February.

This year, I’ve made it to February – though last month, I did ask my doc if we should up my medicine. He said no…to see if I could make it to the end of this season.

And yet, the season of trials is just beginning.
We find out Saturday about what treatment I should be looking at for the kidney cancer.
Jim is looking at what treatment he should be looking at for the prostate cancer.
And, I’m looking at a moody man that will be taking a shot that is supposed to make him moody, have more anger issues, and such like.
I think I need more medicine.

I’m applying the scriptures…
God will not give you any more than you can handle…but the other part of that scripture is often ignore….

1 Corinthians 10:13 King James Version (KJV)
13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

Where is my escape….?
Getting in the presence of the Lord – I should be being filled with the strength of His joy…maybe I am, and that is why I’m not suicidal right now!

Entering into His gates with thanksgiving….Ps 100:4
I am so filled with gratitude for all the things he has done for me…I go to sleep thanking God and I wake up thanking God and I am amazed at how many ways his hand is upon me during the day, and I am grateful for those as well!

He is my hiding place….Ps 32:7
The name of the Lord is a strong tower – the righteous run into it and are safe. Pr 18:10
He will not leave me nor forsake me. 1 Kings 8:57, deut 31:6, heb 13:5
All things work together for the good of those that love God and are called according to His purposes. Romans 8:28
In this world ye shall have tribulation, but, be of good cheer – I have over come the world. John 16:33

In the Beginning….God which goes with the ending:

Revelation 22:16-17
16 I Jesus have sent mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the root and the offspring of David, and the bright and morning star.
17 And the Spirit and the bride say, Come. And let him that heareth say, Come. And let him that is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely.

The End – the end of all suffering.
the end of all sorrow.
the end of all tears.

The end of struggle – a glorified body for eternity.
No more pain
no more shame
no more guilt
no more …. no more.

I’ve found a diary from 12/2013 leading up to the suicide attempt on Christmas of 2014.
The heart cry is the same as today.
The issues causing the heart cry are the same today.
The mental hospitals are the same today.
My husband is the same today.
God is the same today.
What is different?

I am.

It’s 3 plus years since those days….the hospital stay, the inpatient stay at the resident treatment.
I’d had surgery on my neck…and now I’m looking at surgery on my kidney.
I’ve done much work on applying scriptures to the negative voices in my head.
I’ve done much work on applying principles I’ve been taught to help myself to not degrade into the despair that drags me down, down, down into the devastating quagmire of suicidal depression.
Each day, I fight something.
Sometimes, each minute.
But I am fighting….

Yet, there are times that I’m just exhausted.

Where is my escape button?
Where is my release?
When do I get released from this valley of the shadow of death?
I am truly grateful that YOU, oh Lord, are with me!
Yes – truly, your rod and your staff they comfort me, because I know you are there.
Where is the table, though?
Where is the anointing of my head?

Why am I not certain of where are the green pastures and the still waters?
Where are you leading me, Oh Lord?

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Psalm 119:105

Psalm 51:
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
9 Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

Psalm 37:
3 Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
4 Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
5 Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
6 And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
7 Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.

and

23 The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord: and he delighteth in his way.
24 Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down: for the Lord upholdeth him with his hand.

I know these truths to be true…
My wounded heart is bleeding.
My wounded soul is screaming…
and, I know that I have to walk through this darkness to get through to the light.

I can’t make it, Lord.
I can’t do it, Lord.
I have no strength in me.

You promised to finish the work you began in me. phil 1:6
You promised that you would hold me in the palm of your hand. John 10:29, Psalm 95:7
You promised that my enemies would fall at my side. Psalm 91:7
You promised that I would never be alone…that you would never leave me nor forsake me. Heb 13:5
You promised that I am seated in the heavenlies with Christ Jesus! Ephesians 2:6
You promised me that you would make an escape.

I cry out, Lord, for you to make good on your promises….
I humble myself before you,
I confess my sins before the brothers and sisters that read this,
I declare that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and that HE redeemed me from the pit!
I declare that My God is an awesome God!

Secrets will be revealed.
Darkness will be lightened.
Hidden things will be exposed.

But Thou oh Lord are a shield for me, the glory and the lifter of My head!Psalm 3:3
I will dwell in the secret place of the most high, Psalm 91
and abide under the shadow of HIS wings…
This is my hiding place…You are my hiding place…Psalm 32:7
you shall preserve me from trouble!
You will comfort me, with songs of deliverance!
What time I am afraid, I will trust in you! Psalm 56:3

Psalm 32:8
8 I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.

Psalm 56:1-5
56 1 Be merciful unto me, O God: for man would swallow me up; he fighting daily oppresseth me.
2 Mine enemies would daily swallow me up: for they be many that fight against me, O thou most High.
3 What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.
4 In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me.
5 Every day they wrest my words: all their thoughts are against me for evil.

Psalm 64:1-4
64 1 Hear my voice, O God, in my prayer: preserve my life from fear of the enemy.
2 Hide me from the secret counsel of the wicked; from the insurrection of the workers of iniquity:
3 Who whet their tongue like a sword, and bend their bows to shoot their arrows, even bitter words:
4 That they may shoot in secret at the perfect: suddenly do they shoot at him, and fear not.

Psalm 27:1-4
27 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.
3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.
4 One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple.

Confession
Prayer
Bible Verses….
These are the tools that have brought me thus far….
and they have NO power, except for the ONE that wrote them down and instructed us…and taught us to pray and confess our sins.

I don’t feel like it’s a way to escape the temptation…but, on the other hand, it’s worked so far!
Each day that I do not take my own life is one day stronger to not take my own life.
Each day that I don’t think about suicide is one day stronger to be free from those voices.

Many quote this verse…Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. – and yet, ignore the previous verses…Paul is talking about being flexible in want or plenty, in weakness or in strength. He’s talking about being strong in trials.

Even those verses apply now…to my being content in whatever place I find myself.
Whether in sorrow or rejoicing
whether in pain or in health
whether in weakness or in strength.

Just like the downward suction of depression is like the spiral of a powerful whirlpool…to climb up out of the depression takes a spiral turn, like the spiraling staircase that seems to go on forever. Maybe it does…but, each step up is another not taken downward!

I was praying as I wrote this, and after the draft…while going through the day, and I was reminded of

Psalm 16:11 King James Version (KJV)
11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.

God promises to show me the path of life…and this…is also where my joy is sourced…HIS PRESENCE!
This is one of Jesus’s promises, one of His goals for his time here.

John 17:13 King James Version (KJV)
13 And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.

While driving, the Song In the eye of the storm came on the radio.

We are the body of Christ – and the most wonderful thing about being part of a body is that other members get to know you….and notice, or are led to touch your heart when it’s hurting.

Here are some of the things that dear sisters in Christ did for me yesterday, as I continued to struggle with my heart:

Dear Sister Tori sent me an article from Daily Devotionals written by Sheila Walsh. It reminded me of Project SemiColon, and the Christian movement against suicide. It’s based on the concept that when an author could end a sentence, but chooses not to, she uses a semi-colon.

There are tattoo semicolon projects – this youtube is filled with less than perfect language…beware.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Sister Melinda sent me a song to listen to. Fighting Words by Ellie Holcomb.

This led me to The Broken Beautiful, and Wonderfully Made.

Here is the prayer I’m ending this blog with – He’s a Chain Breaker!

My confession of Victory is Mandisa’s Overcomer!

I’ve written a Basic plan for understanding how to obtain Joy in Oil of Joy.
I’ve written other things about depression. If you want to read more, please do a search on my blog for depression.

I’ve also written about Suicide – my major piece being about the Day I committed Suicide.

There is another ministry for helping – To Write Love On Her Arms.

If you have come to this page because you are contemplating suicide, please dial 1-800-273-TALK or visit the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine.

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I want to thank

for the ability to search the Bible online.

Some artwork is from me – ChristArtist. It is copyrighted – by me. Please do not share it without my permission. The same goes for my written work.
Some artwork is from ChristArt – not me! I have purchased a membership, and the art is copyrighted by them.
Some artwork is from FreeClipArt Library. copyrights belong to them.

I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Midnight Musings – The Cry of My heart – February 2, 2018

The cry MY the heart

by MCWildman

The Cry of the heart, The tear of the eye
Depression does start Though I think it’s not nigh.

I’m laughing and singing And praising the Lord
When all of the sudden My mind becomes torn.

I can find no reason, I can find no rhyme
I can’t even predict If there’ll be a next time.

The joy of the Lord it is my strength
But the truth be told Sometimes I am too weak

I know all the tools, I have Bible plans
Then I feel like a fool that is trying to stand.

It’s not on my own feet Upon which I stand
For I know and can see They are just sinking sand.

No words from a Sage, No songs from a poet
no silly do Dilly’s From memes that do show it

The cliches are so tired, The phrases so old
How I hate how I’m wired, How I hate this dark cold

I know this shall pass, I know it will end
But right in the moment for my life I do fend

I do not wish To take my own life
But I get so tired Of overwhelming strife

And then there’s the pain That no one can find
Just sad looks from the the ones that are kind

The loneliness bogs Me down to my knees
And I pray my dear God Deliver me please.

What is the thorn In the Flesh do I ask?
I don’t know that I’m up for this task!

I know that your glory will shine on me
The day that your face I will joyfully see.

The light of your face will break through all the dark
And the worth of these trials will be known in my heart.

But tonight, oh dear Jesus, please give me a sign
Please help me to know that you’ll hold me as thine.

I believe in you Lord and I trust that you’ll stay
And complete the work that you began on that day

It’s nothing of me that can do your good work
There’s no hope for me except in You, Lord

My heart it is struggling
my mind is confused
But I know I believe
And my trust is in you.

The darkness will cease, the pain has an end
As long as I believe, will my soul comprehend?

Oh Silent Night, oh distance song
Angels, please sing to me all the night long

Tell me of Jesus, tell me of he, who gave of his life that living I’d be

No pain is too great, of heart mind or soul
To equal the cross and that took its toll

You did that for me and I didn’t believe
But now that I do I can only receive
joy for my sorrow, peace for my pain
Love for my heartache, Grace for my shame

Truth has two edges, love has two sides
thy kingdom shall be in the sweet by-and-by

And when that day comes I will be ever thrilled
To stand in your presence sing to you still

So sing in the Darkness, laugh at the pain
For this is all Shadows of what I will gain!

No Darkness can take my salvation from me
no depression can Steal My Hope for to see

as it was in the beginning, is now and it shall be
World Without End ruled by God the almighty.
(c)2018 MCWildman

 

Jim & Christi 2017

 

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I want to thank

for the ability to search the Bible online.

Some artwork is from me – ChristArtist. It is copyrighted – by me. Please do not share it without my permission. The same goes for my written work.
Some artwork is from ChristArt – not me! I have purchased a membership, and the art is copyrighted by them.
Some artwork is from FreeClipArt Library. copyrights belong to them.

I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

What’s up?

It’s February – 2015…what’s up world?
Life has been crazy here at the WildBerry Patch.
January was spent at a wonderful Residential Program called LaAmistad.
I have spent January there for the residential program, and I have spent February, until next Monday, in the Partial Hospitalization Program.

Mental Health – Web MD gives a huge overview.

What is my problem?
I’m human.
But mostly, because of how I grew up – traumas in my life – and genetic make up from my parents – I have mental illness. actually – illnesses.

I would love to be so vulnerable and transparent as to list all of the illness I have – but, one is a biggie – and is something that many of our returning Veterans have as well for different reasons – PTSD.

What is PTSD?
Again – Web MD comes to the rescue with the definition of PTSD.

PTSD is classified as:

Acute stress disorder: symptoms occurring within four weeks of the trauma.
Acute PTSD: symptoms lasting three months or less.
Delayed onset PTSD: symptoms appear six months after the trauma.
Chronic PTSD: symptoms lasting more than three months.

Why don’t you just ‘choose joy’ Christi?
Why not just forgive and forget, Christi?

Repeated trauma changes the brain chemistry – and little road maps are created in the brain – and it becomes trained to react to things that remind you of the initial trauma. These are called triggers. Someone with PTSD did not choose to have to react to triggers – but they do.

Wounded Warriors do.
Rape Victims do.
Domestic Violence victims do.
I do.

Yes, there are many verse in the Bible that are comforting to the abused.

Isaiah 40:31 – They that wait in the Lord shall renew their strength,
they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
hey shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint.

Psalm 23 is very good:

verse 4
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil,
for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me

And, God promises to be with us:

Ps 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

And yet – we struggle. But the Christian has another source:

http://youtu.be/L5bLvVjJ4MA

So – through my storms this last three months, I’ve been learning to praise IN the storms. If you, or anyone you know, is having trouble with depression, dark thoughts, dangerous thoughts – seek help.
Suicide LifeLine Online

or call:
1-800-273-TALK(8255)

And know this – Jesus will be with you in this storm – and, if you need me to – send me an email – and we’ll talk.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

January 2015 – Where did you go?

For all that have chosen to befriend me, and watch me for various reasons(of which we will not ask here), January was very obviously missing from my internet charades or escapades. I have many things to write about – and this year, 2015, I will be writing, and painting, and I hope that I will be speaking – but that will come.

Oh what a difference a month makes! And, what a prophetic post about Simplify!

I learned a lot last month, but had no consistent ability to write this blog. I spent January at a residential program for behavioral health – mental illness.

And, the draft – on Dec 21 that says ‘The End’…

The point is that on Dec 21, I wrote the draft that I am going to post right now – and on Dec 25th, I did attempt to take my life. It would appear that Dec 21, I was writing a suicide letter – despairing of my ever being able to be good enough to live.

The End
This post is password protected with TheEnd – so that only those that are reading THIS post will know how to get to the other.

I have an illness, a mental illness with several other issues surrounding it that cause me to have things happen that I am not aware of.

Jim’s comment to a friend was that I told him I didn’t remember taking the pills – and, I don’t. Until I talked to that friend, I didn’t know that I didn’t remember it at THAT time…that it wasn’t an amnesia occurring from the overdose.

Of course I am ultimately responsible, in a way that someone with cancer would not be – but, DID/MPD is very complicated, and I am not always myself. Major depressive disorder can spiral because of chemistry in the body – and then trigger the DID/MPD. AND – PTSD, from the abuse that caused the DID/MPD can trigger all of it – and that’s if no one human decides to be part of my life!

I have hope for the future – and even a hope that there will be a future as long as the Lord allows it. I don’t know what the people in my life will do with me, I know what my 2 bffs will say – and I know that my God is all about forgiveness – and as one bff says – GRACE.

Pray for Jim – he is exhausted from taking care of me.
Pray for my family – they don’t know what to think of me.
Pray for my friends – they don’t know what to do with me.
Pray for me – that we will learn enough about this disorder, and my additional mental illnesses, while I am in remission and can change behaviors and be prepared the next time this disease tried to take my life.

BTW – to be a bit sacreligious – God is a multiple! Father, Son, Holy Spirit all in One! if no one else gets me – HE DOES!!!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or choose to LIKE me on facebook, or other social media!
I’d love to stay in touch with you – we are working on email subscriptions…sign up! 
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

depression digs deep with drugs

Hello.
My name is Christi.
I live with depression.
Not by choice – but by genetics and some environment, and nurture.  Mostly, genetics. And training through the nurture.
I Live.
I choose to LIVE.
and yet, I’ve lived with voices in my head since I was 16, telling me that I’m not good enough for this world, and I should just take myself out of the equation and make everyone elses lives better.  sometimes it’s a screaming all incompassing voice.  sometimes just a quiet whisper.  sometimes I recognize that it is not MY desire and I can fight it.  sometimes, it can over power the other, more sensible voices in my head.  But, even though it can be quieted for a while, I have found that the voice is not dead.

I Have one attempt that I have written about. In 2009, that voice was too loud for sense to break through.

But I tried to ask for help for years…and was told, at 16, “that’s normal – all teens go through that. ”
Later, I was told: “stop being dramatic, stop demanding attention.”
I knew very few people that really thought about dying, much less HOW to do it, and WHY.
I didn’t really find this group of people for which it was normal, except in a psychiatric hospital…but, those of us that need to be hospitalized are not the social norm, are we?  Or we wouldn’t be hospitalized, right?

Ok – so, here’s the current situation.
I have pain – I fibromyalgia – AND I have issues with tendons at the insertion points.  This has meant multiple surgeries – AND a standard set of medications that have psychiatric effects as well. 
The most recent tests had me looking back to a medicine that had been prescribed to help with migraines…to relax muscles. I was supposed to take this twice a day.
Another doctor had me taking a medication that was to prevent migraines…and I was supposed to titrate that up to three pills a day.

WARNING: ALWAYS CHECK MEDICATION SIDE EFFECTS, AND HOW THEY CAN EFFECT EACH OTHER BEFORE TAKING NEW MEDS!  MAYBE EVEN BEFORE GETTING THE SCRIPT FILLED!

I guess that could be a spoiler.

I also suffer from S.A.D. – Seasonal Affective Disorder.  In Ohio, in the winter – I used a light box to counter act the effects.  But I live in sunny florida!
This winter has been very rough – much grey sky and rainy weather.   Not snow – but the grey was our part of the 2014 winter.
two children moving further away, one with two grandchildren as well.
one child having scary health issues
one child having children issues
hips back and knee continued to limit my ability…I hurt my knee trying to ride a stationary bike!
moving out of an apartment back into the RV
Thinking we were getting a new RV that would address some issues of the old RV – and getting denied(actually, too high interest rate).
Jim traveling much more than we had originally planned
I broke my foot. I’m stuck in a boot, which limited my walking in the ‘sunshine’ when it was out!
And just all around malaise that comes with fibro, with the addition of migraines from the weather fronts.

Writing this up, it doesn’t sound like much…but, it added up – and I had a low level depression.
I saw doctors for the pain – and the prescribed the above treatments.
And I got depressed.
I have not had voices telling me to kill myself loud enough for a few years…until this past fall.
And, I fought them. And, usually, I won.
but I started losing more and more often.

I talked to my husband – and we agreed that there is the concern that if I went to a new psychiatrist,
a. it is going to have to start all over with the whole story…which is traumatizing to me
b. they will choose to give me more medicine OR
c. they will hospitalize me – and they will misdiagnose me again…with wrong meds that cause problems.

Several times, I was close – but last weekend – I was very close – VERY CLOSE.
Jim was going to Atlanta – we had decided not to go together – because I was so depressed there was nothing that could comfort me…
BUTGOD –
Now, lots of people say that God comes shining in and talks to them and saves them.
That’s not me.
BUTGOD –
On Saturday night – the night I told Jim that I was NOT going to Atlanta and Alabama with him, I had a perfect plan.
BUTGOD –
I have been a Christian for 45 of my 54 years.
I confess that Jesus is my Lord and Savior – and that I want HIM to be in charge of MY life.
I believe the scriptures are truth – for today – and applicable.
And as I went to sleep, talking to God as I do each night, I was explaining that I didn’t have any other choice…
BUTGOD –
“way of escape”
“what?”
“ask for a way of escape”
Oh, bleep – He’s quoting His word to me…the Word that I believe is true, and that at this moment I believe does not have any comfort for me.
1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.
God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability,
but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

“Ok, Lord, please show me a way of escape.” and I went to sleep.
Sunday morning – I woke up – “go with Jim”
In my mental state, that was the last thing I wanted to do – but I prayed for a way of escape – and here it was. If I didn’t take it…I knew I would be dead, possibly in more ways than one.

I became friends with some others on NerdFitness that are fighting the same struggle.
While driving – I was useful to Jim to drive so that he could work as he traveled. Plus!
While I was in Birmingham – I met a long time friend – and had a great time. PLUS!
While in the hotel – I did a one hour water workout and remembered what it felt like to be in water! BIGPLUS!
When I got home, I found out that I had been mentioned in an article by a man that I admire – and has Jim’s ear – and could open the door for my life to help others. UBER BIG PLUS!!
In the mean time, I got an inkling that my medications were possibly iffy.
side effects – not complications of combinations – just the side effects of both were enhanced depression – which often leads to suicide thoughts!!! ARRGGHH!!
so, I stopped it.
REBOUND HEADACHE!!!
BUT – I knew what it was.
And I started laughing again. Jim commented – it’s nice to hear your laugh again!
And as the medicine left my body – my mind began to clear – I don’t want to die…I WANT TO LIVE!
And I want to touch people that are hurting – because I know about hurting – physical, mental, emotional and social.
I did not die – I did not have the tools in the hotel room!
BUTGOD – gave me a way of escape –
BUTGOD – even reminded me to ASK for that way of escape.

My life line scripture –

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I WILL FEAR NO EVIL, FOR YOU ARE WITH ME;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me!
Ps 23:4

I have a coin with that inscribed upon it – and I have put it back on.
will I fight this battle again? probably.
but this time, I have a few more friends that will hold my hand.
I have a few more tools.
and I have the experience that if I cry out to God for a way of escape – HE IS FAITHFUL.
If I am faithful to believe, HE IS FAITHFUL TO DELIVER!

thank you for reading this.
May you know the shepherd of Psalm 23 as YOUR personal savior!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.

We have email subscription! And you can manage your subscription from the dashboard!
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

 
Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

My response in Light of a 13 yo’s suicide in MN

A post I wrote on May 10, 2012, in response to hearing of a young girl’s suicide – and complaints that no one did enough:

I survived a suicide attempt…I was considered dead at the scene(beyond non-responsive)…and God revived me…in the ER on 11/17/2009
I know what goes on inside the mind of one that does this….
I did everything I could to prevent it from happening to my mom
I did everything I could to keep Anna from succeeding (can we spell familiar spirit????)
And, yes, those around me missed some things, but I kept them hidden.
Those around me were tired…and made a few missteps…but, in their minds, they did everything they were able to do –
My voices were voices from the past…doubled by some ‘bullying’ in the present…but mostly, my voices in my head were voices I’d believed, and had internalized…and any external voice just made the internal voice scream louder, and validated that internal voice.

No, those dealing with this precious child probably didn’t do ‘everything’ they could…because they probably could not conceive of what goes on inside a head that REALLY believes that suicide is the only way. But, they may have done ALL that they knew to do.

I have had to forgive those that were not able to hold my hand and pull me up from the sinking sand that sucked me into suicide that day.

I have had to forgive myself for thinking that my mom had gotten over her voices. I have had to thank God that Anna never succeeded, and yet, I’ve had to forgive myself for whatever brought things to that point(I know some of them now, and each time I learn of something new, I go through horrible grief, and have to take it to the Lord again).

Bullying will never stop…though it needs to be dealt with. The battle is to strengthen the minds and hearts of these wounded ones, so that they have an armor against the attacks of the enemy!

I think I’m supposed to be speaking to people about this…and the death of this child has stirred up an urgency in my heart.
I will be preparing my talks ASAP – and I pray that I will have an audience – and if I can save ONE from suicide…then, I know that my life has had purpose in Jesus.

Praying…praying, praying…..
~Christi

5/16/2012 – once the mind is made up to commit suicide, it is too late, unless the person is placed into a mental hospital that will protect them while helping them get past that mental state. There is nowhere safe enough to prevent a suicide, other than those places created to do just that.

I don’t know all the details about this young person, except that she was apparently at home, doing normal family things and walked out of the room with the family, and went to her bedroom and hung herself. At what point could the family have intervened? I don’t know…Once the hopelessness takes over, then the plan to protect others from having to listen to you anymore sets in, and then, the hiding, and the secrecy takes over….and unless someone can read minds, it is probably too late.

The time to intervene is MUCH earlier…IF there is any indication.
Sometimes, as in another suicide of a young man, there is NO indication, at least, not enough to add up to ‘suicidal thoughts’.

Prov 16:25 There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof [are] the ways of death.

This is NOT an answer for WHY
This is NOT an excuse for those that ignore
This IS a reply to the guilt of those that didn’t SEE because the victim chose to keep it hidden.
For those that read this, please pray for me to know what I am to do with my experiences…to follow God’s calling in my life.
The answer to protect children from suicide is to instill in them their worth, so that they have the armor to stand up to bullying, and have a positive mental sound track to take down the negative voices.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.
Soon, we’ll have email subscription, and maybe a newsletter.
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi's Heart Mission

 

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

red stop sign

Suicide – what’s the deal?

If you have come to this page because you are contemplating suicide, please dial 988 or 1-800-273-TALK or visit the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine. Some other Suicide Hotlines are on this page. 

The Theme from M*A*S*H*

I have loved this song for years…but now, as I am a recovering suicidal depressant – it gives me chills.

While finding this song on YouTube…I read a comment by a listener..”I’m going to play this when I commit suicide”.
Another suggested the ‘marilyn manson’ version….VERY CREEPY!!!

This song was played over and over and over while I was growing up.
I grew up with a bi-polar mother that attempted suicide on a regular basis.
My favorite uncle committed suicide when I was in the second grade…and the priest and my mom talked about he gave up, and took the one way ticket to heaven.
Another Great Aunt and Uncle committed murder-suicide because he didn’t want to watch her slowly die with cancer.
One month after my wedding, my mother finally succeeded in her desire to let go – and my aunt told me “she gave you a gift…and she knew you were safe now”.

What am I saying? I grew up surrounded with a level of comfort with suicide.

So, when I got married, things weren’t fairy tale perfect, and depression hit with five children under 6…chronic pain…and I couldn’t see any way out…I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.
When all I could see was how I was messing up everyone’s lives because of my PTSD, FMS, CFS, and multiple bone, joint, tendon and soft tissue issues (7 surgeries in 7 years)…I wanted to give my family a gift…and remove this burden(ME) from their lives.

Why didn’t I succeed? There are many thoughts about that…one is that except for 2 times, it was never really a suicide attempt…it was take 4 pain pills instead of 1, but I wanted to be dead. No, really, most of the time, I wanted to go to sleep, and wake up without the problems. I had suicidal tendencies, or ideations. So – should I have been left alone with my thoughts? Should my family have just called my bluff?

Well, what I feel led to share here is four types of suicidal thought…from my experience, in and out of hospitals and institutions and by talking with others with similar thought systems.

In my experience, there are at least four DIFFERENT types of suicidal thoughts:

  1. Look at me – I’m being ignored.
  2. I’ll show you – Revenge
  3. I can’t take this anymore – Despair
  4. I have no worth – I’m a burden to society

In my mind – ALL FOUR ARE DEADLY AND NOT TO BE IGNORED.
but the individual appears to NEED different things.

1. LOOK AT ME!!!!

This one is when someone feels ignored, alone, and wants to get attention. To deny that this is the case is to deny what so clearly has happened with video and letters that say “You didn’t love me enough” or “no one will miss me”.

This person is CRYING OUT FOR HELP!!!
They need to be pointed to a suicide help line, such as 1-800-273-TALK(8255)
This state of mind will not commit suicide while someone is with them.
Ignoring this person will only increase the odds that they WILL keep trying…because ignoring them fulfills the wrong thinking in their head.

2. I’ll show you/them!!!

This mindset scares me.  I was told one time “I’ll show them, I’ll call *** and say “you think I’m suicidal” as I drive off the ***bridge”.  This person talked about calling different people WHILE he took his own life…to show them…and I’m not sure what he was planning on showing them…that they were right?  He was sick? or that they were wrong, that he was in control?  The point is…NO ONE WINS in this mentality.  The ones that a person is trying to “show” doesn’t lose as much as the one whose life is now gone!

This person needs to realize that the only way to show that someone is wrong, is to prove it with your life.  The best revenge for those that are trying to tear you down is to take off and soar, and just wave at them from the clouds while you are soaring with the eagles!

This person is CRYING OUT FOR CLARITY!!!
They need to be pointed to a suicide help line, such as 1-800-273-TALK(8255)
I have no idea if this person will commit suicide while someone is with them…but there is something twisted in their view of getting even. This is for show of some sort.
I have no idea how to respond to this type of suicidal person…but turning their revenge into a healthy self support has to take place.

3. I can’t take it anymore – total despair.

I wrote a poem – “Depression like Driving Rain” – as I was struggling with some depression.

Folks get sad.
Some folks get S.A.D. – Seasonal Affective Disorder.
But this is Despair….Despair is much more than just being sad.

Despair – noun – loss of hope – hopelessness. To lose hope, to give up, to be without hope.

Despondent – adj. – feeling or showing profound hopelessness, dejection, discouragement, or gloom.

There is no hope of release…”all hope is lost”.  In this mindset…there is no view to the future…it’s like a dark wet blanket that one cannot find the way out of, and the weight just continues to pull you down.

This person is CRYING OUT FOR HOPE!!!

This person needs to know that there is a tomorrow…reminded of all the tomorrows that have come and gone and are now yesterdays…and that all the stuff that was despairing actually dissipated, and life began again. This person needs someone to lift the blanket…and be shown that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that they are not alone. This person needs a helping hand.

My Great aunt and uncle were these people…no hope in the face of cancer.
I have been this person, and having someone present to show that life will go on has turned me around.

This person will not commit suicide in the presence of someone else – because someone else present is the sign of hope that someone else will reach out and help.
This person could still benefit from calling or reading one of the help lines listed in this blog.
This person could benefit from just talking to a caring human being.

4. I have no worth – I’m a burden to society

This has been me.  I have felt like I have no purpose on this earth other than to visit doctors and to break promises to my friends because some other health issue has arisen to prevent me from keeping my promises.  One day I could walk a 5k, and the next I would be in a wheelchair at a field trip.  One day I could sew a quilt and the next I couldn’t even touch the pedal to run the machine.  One day I could cook a nice meal, and the next day I can’t even stand up to get something out of the refrigerator.  That meant/means that my husband and my children have had to do things for me, housecleaning, cooking, activities, push my wheelchair, walk my dog, help me with baths and showers, tie my shoes, disappointed at broken promises.

I have failed as a mom, wife, mom and woman…and I can’t get SSI because of not being able to work so I have no Social Security benefits to help me with disability.  Often I can’t even drive myself to the doctors office.  My husband had to work from home for years so that he could be available to help me.   We have lost money, houses and land to pay for the medical bills that have accrued to keep me alive, which irritates our children for lack of an inheritance.  My husband has asked very few things from me as a wife…and because of disabilities, I can’t give him any of them with any consistency.

Of course, I’ve heard the complaints about taking care of me, or me not taking care of them, of my husband doing the wife’s work, and ‘wasting’ my husband’s money.  I’ve had complaints that my issues make things too hard for others.  I’ve been asked to leave a church because the lack of healing was causing people’s faith to fail.  I am a burden to society.

Burden – that which is borne with difficulty.

My mother committed suicide because she knew that I would spend part of my married life trying to keep her alive.  She didn’t follow her typical routine…this time, she was serious.  This time, she wanted no mistakes.  And as I said above…my aunt said to me “Your mother gave you a gift”.  My mother did not want to be a burden on me in my marriage.

I did not want to be a burden in my children’s lives or in my husband’s life.  I wanted to give them that gift…free them from the burden of this sick, mentally ill, physically depleted ball and chain.
I did call all the help lines…and some people…but no one had time to come to be with me.
I almost succeeded.

If it weren’t for the sheriff and the park ranger that drove past the car, and called the EMT’s – who somehow got this non responding, lifeless body to the ER, and then the ER docs that worked for several hours to bring me back…and the ICU nurses that watched over me…I would not be here.

I have memories of those that just didn’t care if I succeeded.
I have memories of those that accused me of doing it for attention.
I have memories of those I was trying to release being angry at me for doing this ‘to them’.
I have memories of thinking ‘ I better get it right next time, because this continued failure is causing the burden to grow!’
But what I didn’t have was the KNOW inside that NO ONE can determine my worth, other than me and my God.

A person that feels like they are a burden – and that the world is better off without them – and that they would lift all the bad things from their family if they were not there – this person needs LOVE.

This person is crying out for LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE.
This person cannot commit suicide in the presence of someone…because that would be adding to the burden in their life!
Responding to this person in anger only fans the fires of failure and incompetent burden.
This person needs unconditional love…no matter how broken they are.
This person needs to know that they have worth because they have life. You are not given worth by other people – you are born with it. The problem is, we let others take it away.

WHAT TURNED ME AROUND?

After 20 years of therapy…many thoughts…many counselors…somehow, somewhere something clicked.

I have always had a strong faith in Jesus Christ – but because of the church’s response to the suicides in my family, I wasn’t convinced that suicide ends up in a person going to hell.  So, that didn’t do it.

One therapist shared a quote with me…and at this moment I cannot find it, but it made me aware that the very fact that I AM means that I have worth. She challenged my concept of the sanctity of life.

Do I consider life worth saving? Then why not mine?
Do I consider life worth living? then why not mine?
And – who do I believe gave life? God

How do I believe about the conception of a baby? God causes each conception, and every conception deserves life…therefore…why not me?
If God has not chosen to take my life, who am I to argue with Him?  Job didn’t fare very well in his depressive, suicidal tirade, so why should I?

Psalm 23 has pulled me through…

yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for thou art with me…thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

It has been a path..a rocky, rough path that has brought me to almost no thoughts of suicide.  And now, when I hear of a suicide, I am saddened that someone who had a life to live did not or could not ask for help, or find the right person to hold their hand until they came out of the dark valley.

WHAT CAN SOMEONE DO TO HELP?

BE THERE.

How many suicides occur in the midst of a family gathering? I don’t think that any of them do.

I know that some are just asking for attention…but when a 2 year old acts out to get attention, do you just ignore them until they burn themselves with the matches?  Of course not.  When  child is acting out, it’s usually because they need to have different attention to help them through this phase…and that is the same with someone that is talking suicide. You don’t give up on the 2 year old…please don’t give up on someone that is having a mental disconnect that could take their life.

I actually gave up many  possible methods, because of how frequently they fail…and the person is worse off afterwards.  If I fail, I’ll have crippled hands, or if the fall doesn’t kill me, I could have to be in a wheelchair with worse pain than I do now, etc. Share with this person information on Lost All Hope about statistics of failure.

Suicidal thinking is not REALITY based thinking…it is CATASTROPHIC  thinking…and having someone with you, that is not reacting to the events with such a catastrophic outlook is a calming effect by itself.

PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE SOMEONE THAT IS TALKING ABOUT SUICIDE!

PLEASE DO NOT CALL SOMEONE’S BLUFF.

PLEASE DO GET SOME HELP FROM SOME OF THESE WEBSITES TO HELP YOURSELF HELP SOMEONE YOU LOVE.

PsychCentral has some great help for those wanting to help, and those considering suicide.

Lost All Hope is an interesting point of view from another suicidal recoverer.

NAMI – National Alliance on Mental Illness has a page on how to help and how to recognize the signs.

I have not written this from a Christian, Biblical point of view…but I will be adding that feature here soon. The point is, all cultures have some level of sanctity of life…your life is sacred…it is a gift…and you are a gift. You have worth, because YOU ARE. To stop being means that you have wiped out the worth you were born with. Don’t let ‘THEM’ win.

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

Older woman with shades of coral in jewelry and sweater, glasses, silver and brown hair.

M. Christine Wildman

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.