Category Archives: Depression

Daniel Fast – Day 2 – Struggles

Today, I woke up with struggles.
I wrote this post – about my Recovery Today – and it’s not very happy.

My focus for this fast has been that I would grow closer to God, more and more like Jesus.
And I think, I’ve just been attacked.

And, If you read that blog, you will know some of my struggles…and right now, I feel very tired, and very worn…
So today, my prayer is that Jesus would support me, lift up my hands, and carry me through today – give me wisdom to know what to pray.

The Bible reading that I am doing with my husband starts with Psalm 5:

Ps 5:1 Give ear to my words, O Lord; Consider my groaning.
:2 Give attention to the sound of my cry, My King and my God, for to you do I pray.
:3 O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice;
In the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch.

The next few verses is how God does not like wickedness…and they won’t have a place in His Kingdom…BUT here’s a promise:

Ps 5:7 But I, through the abundance of your steadfast love, will enter your house.
I will bow down toward your holy temple in the fear of you.

King James says it this way: “But as for me, I will come [into] thy house in the multitude of thy mercy:”

I can’t come into the house of the Lord based on MY righteousness – it’s because of the gift He gave…His son.

Romans 8:31 What shall we then say to these things? If God [be] for us, who [can be] against us?
:32 He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?

This morning, as Jim was leaving, he mentioned to me that he’d read Psalm 5 – and that the last verse were very full of promise.

Ps 5:11 But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee.
:12 For thou, LORD, wilt bless the righteous; with favour wilt thou compass him as [with] a shield.

English Standard version says it this way:

Ps 5:11 But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult you.

Take refuge…

Prov 18:10 The name of the LORD [is] a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.

Psalm 91:1 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
:2 I will say of the LORD, [He is] my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

My recovery struggles are going to be part of my Daniel Fast.
The Daniel Fast is one of those things that I’m sure the enemy is not happy about.
But I don’t have to worry about the enemy, because he can’t do anything without going through God’s hands first.
All I have to ‘worry’ about is ME – and I’m going to be running into the Name of the Lord, and dwelling in the secret place…and abiding under the shadow of the Almighty.
HE is my fortress and refuge.

Psalm 32:7 Thou [art] my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah.

Psalm 119:114 Thou [art] my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word.

I am learning how to draw near to Him Who gave His life for me – Jesus.
And, that IS what I wanted to focus on, for this 21 day project.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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Naomi's Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Battle Plan for Comparison Blues – Part 4

Battle Plan
An Antidote for Post Conference Blues or any Comparison Blues!

This year I recognized it a bit before going…with the issue of dress, and looks, and expected appearance. After we arrived at home, the blues hit again, and this time, I cried out.

Here is the antidote that God gave me: part 4

Now, I’m resting, and he’s strengthened me with all his truth, healed and united my heart, and filled me with peace.
Next he says:

Eph 6:16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

Whew! That’s what I needed all along! I needed to quench those fiery darts!

Eph 6:17 And take the helmet of salvation,

sort of goes with:

Ps 18:35 Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy right hand hath holden me up, and thy gentleness hath made me great.

I can’t SEE my salvation:

Hebr 11:1 (KJS) Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Eph 2:8)

But I know it’s real:

Hebr 11:6 (KJS) But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and [that] he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

I believe! And I know that He is the author and the finisher of my faith,

Phil 1:6 (KJS) Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform [it] until the day of Jesus Christ:
1Cor 1:8 (KJS) Who shall also confirm you unto the end, [that ye may be] blameless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.
and now, he has me running in a race!
Hebr 12:1 (KJS) Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset [us], and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of [our] faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Now…into battle!

Eph6:17 and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

We did some spiritual housecleaning, with the help of Dr. Jim Logan’s book, Regaining Surrendered Ground . My husband and I prayed together, seeking the Lord about possible causes for the seeming curses in our family (Pr 26:2), and God graciously showed us things that we had not dealt with from our family history. After taking authority over these issues, and praying the prayer to regain the ground through the blood of Jesus we thought about the three main issues we’d been led to deal with. They fell under three categories!

1Joh 2:16 (KJS) For all that [is] in the world,

the lust of the flesh, and

the lust of the eyes, and

the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.

These, of course, hit the major three commitments we’ve all been taught, and are attempting to teach to our children.

I can tell you, after our prayer warfare this weekend, I can say with David:

Ps 18:37 I have pursued mine enemies, and overtaken them: neither did I turn again till they were consumed. 38 I have wounded them that they were not able to rise: they are fallen under my feet.

SUMMARY

If you are suffering from Post Conference(Comparison) Blues, please go through these steps…get before the Lord, and cry out! He will lead you into His peace, and He will prepare you for warfare, and remember:

Psal 98:1 (KJS) A Psalm. O sing unto the LORD a new song; for he hath done marvellous things: his right hand, and his holy arm, hath gotten him the victory.
1Cor 15:57 (KJS) But thanks [be] to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

We don’t have to worry about the victory…it’s already won…we just have to walk in His steps…and trust in Him!

BACK TO PART ONE
BACK TO PART TWO
BACK TO PART THREE

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

Or follow me with the RSS feed.

Naomi's Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Battle Plan for Comparison Blues, part 3

Battle Plan
An Antidote for Post Conference Blues or any Comparison Blues!

This year I recognized it a bit before going…with the issue of dress, and looks, and expected appearance. After we arrived at home, the blues hit again, and this time, I cried out.

Here is the antidote that God gave me: part 3

After I got quiet, and confessed my sins, asking God to tear down all those strongholds, He started to build towers of truth with the past piles of scriptures. As I settled down, He took me back to Ephesians 6:

Eph 6:13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

He has an armor for me….I just have to take it up….I’m not even sure I have to put it on…just to accept that he has it for me, and through HIM, I can withstand the evil day, and another version says:

Ephe 6:13 (DBY) and, having accomplished all things, to stand.

If I take up His armor (might look like a cross!), through Him, I can accomplish all things! AND stand! Reminds me of walk and not be weary, run and not faint. The Blessed man of Ps 1 chose where to walk, stand and sit…and God promises to enable me to stand, walk and run! IF I take up His armor, or His cross…and follow Him.

Psal 18:31 (KJS) For who [is] God save the LORD? or who [is] a rock save our God?
32 [It is] God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect.
33 He maketh my feet like hinds’ [feet], and setteth me upon my high places.

Youngs’ Literal Translation says:

Psal 18:33 (YLT) Making my feet like hinds, And on my high places causeth me to stand.

So, now that He has me standing, ready to tear down high places and strongholds, then he prepares me for battle!

Ps 18:34 He teacheth my hands to war, so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms.

(Now that’s more strength than I really have!!)

Here’s the battle plan:

Eph 6:14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with TRUTH,

While I wasn’t leaning on the truth, I was subject to all types of lies.

Phil 4:8 (YLT) As to the rest, brethren, as many things as are true,

This is the FIRST thing to be meditating on! And I was allowing myself to listen to lies, to compare myself with others, and I was falling.

Ps 18:39 says: For thou hast girded me with strength unto the battle: thou hast subdued under me those that rose up against me.

This is the truth! And it is a truth that brings strength. Where there is weakness, He can be strong, if I let Him! If I don’t wallow in the weakness, but rejoice!

2Cor 12:9 (KJS) And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

So, surround myself with His truth…that’s building towers of truth! Truth that specifically attacks the lies that the enemy is shooting at me. Jesus is truth….The Truth, so I just need to abide in Him (oops, that’s another message! 😉

Next step:

Eph 6:14 b and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

I even could check my thought life against the breastplate!

Phil 4:8… whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.

I had not kept my thought life set on God, and I had believed lies. Therefore I had worried, taken thought (wrongly) and I was not in faith. Hebr 11:6 (KJS) But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: and Roma 14:23 (KJS)… for whatsoever [is] not of faith is sin.

I had to confess my sins to God, for not believing in Him, and ask Him to ” Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me . ” Psal 51:10 (KJS) and to
” Teach me thy way, O LORD; I will walk in thy truth: unite my heart to fear thy name. I will praise thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart : and I will glorify thy name for evermore.” Psal 86:11-12

I needed God to heal my heart (under the breastplate) and cause me to be right with Him again!

The third step is:

Eph 6:15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

I needed to be prepared with peace! Phil 4:7 is a precious gift…peace that passes understanding!
By resting in Him, trusting in His promises, He also promises:

Ps 18:36 Thou hast enlarged my steps under me, that my feet did not slip.

All the promises come flooding back. He promises to

lead me,
guide me,
make my way perfect,
be a lamp unto my feet and
a light unto my path,
hearing a voice behind me saying this is the way walk ye in it, and especially
Ps 23…His rod and His staff they comfort me as he leads me all through the beautiful places, the dark and scary places, on into the banqueting table in the presence of mine enemies!

What a comfort to rest in His hand…

“’tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take him at his word, just to rest upon his promise, just to know ‘thus saith the Lord'”

Now, I’m resting, and he’s strengthened me with all his truth, healed and united my heart, and filled me with peace. I have to tell you about the next step in part four!

PART FOUR

BACK TO PART ONE
BACK TO PART TWO

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment! Or ‘like’ me! Or follow me with the RSS feed.

Naomi's Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Battle Plan for Comparison Blues – part 2

Battle Plan
An Antidote for Post Conference Blues or any Comparison Blues!

Every time I go to a conference, I come back with Post conference blues. I am so quick to compare myself and my children and my efforts with everyone else, and to take the talks terribly personally, that I am overwhelmed with my conviction, and am tempted to give up.

This year I recognized it a bit before going…with the issue of dress, and looks, and expected appearance. After we arrived at home, the blues hit again, and this time, I cried out.

Here is the antidote that God gave me: Part 2

I needed a battle plan….I was definitely in warfare!
I went to the obvious warfare passage:

Eph 6:11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high [places].

I was fighting with my husband’s flesh, my children’s flesh, and my own flesh (the latter being the most difficult!). I was falling prey to those fiery darts big time…and they were coming so fast and so furious, and I was so beaten down, my shield was almost too heavy to lift up.

Psal 3:2 (KJS) Many [there be] which say of my soul, [There is] no help for him in God. Selah.
3 But thou, O LORD, [art] a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.
4 I cried unto the LORD with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah.

Somewhere I was missing something…but that goes back to part one…I was missing my promises! As my dear husband meditated on 2 Pet 1, he taught us on these verses – more promises to add to those God gave me (mentioned in part one)!

2Pet 1:2 (KJS) Grace and peace be multiplied unto you through the knowledge of God, and of Jesus our Lord, 3 According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that [pertain] unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue:
4 Whereby are given unto us exceeding great and precious promises: that by these ye might be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.

Promises:

11) Grace
12) Peace
13) both of those Multiplied through the Knowledge of God and Jesus!
14) I’ve been given All things that pertain unto life and godliness (I can do it through Him!)
15) other exceeding great and precious promises that will make me to be a partaker of the divine nature
15 b) and to escape the corruption of the world through the lust thereof

So, God has provided a way, and I just have to wait, and rejoice. I was already crying!

Phil 4:4 (KJS) Rejoice in the Lord alway: [and] again I say, Rejoice.
(James 1:2 always comes to mind when choosing to rejoice!)
Phil 4:6 (KJS) Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Ok, so I am taking thought, caring for my children’s futures, how to schedule our days, our seemingly endless failure to complete wisdom books(homeschooling) on time, and the fact that our marriage is not the ideal marriage, our life is not always lining up with what we say we believe…all this added to the health issues….whew. I needed to just get quiet! Rejoice?!? Count it all joy?!? I was trying hard not to grumble and complain!

So, how do I take on the enemy? Well, I’ll have to tell you that in Part three!

PART THREE

PART FOUR
BACK TO PART ONE

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment! Or ‘like’ me! Or follow me with the RSS feed.

Naomi's Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Battle Plan for Comparison Blues

Battle Plan
An Antidote for Post Conference Blues or any Comparison Blues!

This year I recognized it a bit before going…with the issue of dress, and looks, and expected appearance. After we arrived at home, the blues hit again, and this time, I cried out.

Here is the antidote that God gave me:

Ephe 6:10 (KJS) Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.

Who can be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might? Those that are the saved, called according to His purpose.

1John 5:4 (KJS) For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, [even] our faith. 5 Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God?
Luke 10:19 (KJS) Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you.

He kept telling me to wait

(Isai 40:31 (KJS) But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew [their] strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; [and] they shall walk, and not faint. )

and in meditating on that verse, I also came to:

Psal 27:14 (KJS) Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

So, what was I doing? My soul was disquieted…cast down, despairing!

Psal 42:11 (KJS) Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, [who is] the health of my countenance, and my God.

And God says to me:

Isai 41:10 (KJS) Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
2Tim 1:7 (KJS) For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

As an aside, I have been struggling with many health concerns. So, here I have God’s promise to

renew my strength
mount up with wings as eagles
run, not be weary
walk, not faint
strengthen my heart
my countenance shall be healthy through Him
strengthen ME
help ME
uphold me with his right hand
give me power, love and a sound mind

All of these promises spoke to specific items of prayer that I have had, that had burdened me down, causing me to believe that I was not capable of attaining the certain high standard.

I’m going to do this in sections…but God gave me a battle plan that may encourage some of you. Take it one part at a time!

Christi’s Bible Study Page

Graphics by Free Bible Studies

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment! Or ‘like’ me! Or follow me with the RSS feed.

Naomi's Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Suicide – what’s the deal?

If you have come to this page because you are contemplating suicide, please dial 988 or 1-800-273-TALK or visit the National Suicide Prevention LifeLine. Some other Suicide Hotlines are on this page.

The Theme from M*A*S*H*

I have loved this song for years…but now, as I am a recovering suicidal depressant – it gives me chills.

While finding this song on YouTube…I read a comment by a listener..”I’m going to play this when I commit suicide”.
Another suggested the ‘marilyn manson’ version….VERY CREEPY!!!

This song was played over and over and over while I was growing up.
I grew up with a bi-polar mother that attempted suicide on a regular basis.
My favorite uncle committed suicide when I was in the second grade…and the priest and my mom talked about he gave up, and took the one way ticket to heaven.
Another Great Aunt and Uncle committed murder-suicide because he didn’t want to watch her slowly die with cancer.
One month after my wedding, my mother finally succeeded in her desire to let go – and my aunt told me “she gave you a gift…and she knew you were safe now”.

What am I saying? I grew up surrounded with a level of comfort with suicide.

So, when I got married, things weren’t fairy tale perfect, and depression hit with five children under 6…chronic pain…and I couldn’t see any way out…I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.
When all I could see was how I was messing up everyone’s lives because of my PTSD, FMS, CFS, and multiple bone, joint, tendon and soft tissue issues (7 surgeries in 7 years)…I wanted to give my family a gift…and remove this burden(ME) from their lives.

Why didn’t I succeed? There are many thoughts about that…one is that except for 2 times, it was never really a suicide attempt…it was take 4 pain pills instead of 1, but I wanted to be dead. No, really, most of the time, I wanted to go to sleep, and wake up without the problems. I had suicidal tendencies, or ideations. So – should I have been left alone with my thoughts? Should my family have just called my bluff?

Well, what I feel led to share here is four types of suicidal thought…from my experience, in and out of hospitals and institutions and by talking with others with similar thought systems.

In my experience, there are at least four DIFFERENT types of suicidal thoughts:

Look at me – I’m being ignored.
I’ll show you – Revenge
I can’t take this anymore – Despair
I have no worth – I’m a burden to society

In my mind – ALL FOUR ARE DEADLY AND NOT TO BE IGNORED.
but the individual appears to NEED different things.

1. LOOK AT ME!!!!

This one is when someone feels ignored, alone, and wants to get attention. To deny that this is the case is to deny what so clearly has happened with video and letters that say “You didn’t love me enough” or “no one will miss me”.

This person is CRYING OUT FOR HELP!!!
They need to be pointed to a suicide help line, such as 1-800-273-TALK(8255)
This state of mind will not commit suicide while someone is with them.
Ignoring this person will only increase the odds that they WILL keep trying…because ignoring them fulfills the wrong thinking in their head.

2. I’ll show you/them!!!

This mindset scares me. I was told one time “I’ll show them, I’ll call *** and say “you think I’m suicidal” as I drive off the ***bridge”. This person talked about calling different people WHILE he took his own life…to show them…and I’m not sure what he was planning on showing them…that they were right? He was sick? or that they were wrong, that he was in control? The point is…NO ONE WINS in this mentality. The ones that a person is trying to “show” doesn’t lose as much as the one whose life is now gone!

This person needs to realize that the only way to show that someone is wrong, is to prove it with your life. The best revenge for those that are trying to tear you down is to take off and soar, and just wave at them from the clouds while you are soaring with the eagles!

This person is CRYING OUT FOR CLARITY!!!
They need to be pointed to a suicide help line, such as 1-800-273-TALK(8255)
I have no idea if this person will commit suicide while someone is with them…but there is something twisted in their view of getting even. This is for show of some sort.
I have no idea how to respond to this type of suicidal person…but turning their revenge into a healthy self support has to take place.

3. I can’t take it anymore – total despair.

I wrote a poem – “Depression like Driving Rain” – as I was struggling with some depression.

Folks get sad.
Some folks get S.A.D. – Seasonal Affective Disorder.
But this is Despair….Despair is much more than just being sad.

Despair – noun – loss of hope – hopelessness. To lose hope, to give up, to be without hope.

Despondent – adj. – feeling or showing profound hopelessness, dejection, discouragement, or gloom.

There is no hope of release…”all hope is lost”. In this mindset…there is no view to the future…it’s like a dark wet blanket that one cannot find the way out of, and the weight just continues to pull you down.

This person is CRYING OUT FOR HOPE!!!

This person needs to know that there is a tomorrow…reminded of all the tomorrows that have come and gone and are now yesterdays…and that all the stuff that was despairing actually dissipated, and life began again. This person needs someone to lift the blanket…and be shown that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that they are not alone. This person needs a helping hand.

My Great aunt and uncle were these people…no hope in the face of cancer.
I have been this person, and having someone present to show that life will go on has turned me around.

This person will not commit suicide in the presence of someone else – because someone else present is the sign of hope that someone else will reach out and help.
This person could still benefit from calling or reading one of the help lines listed in this blog.
This person could benefit from just talking to a caring human being.

4. I have no worth – I’m a burden to society

This has been me. I have felt like I have no purpose on this earth other than to visit doctors and to break promises to my friends because some other health issue has arisen to prevent me from keeping my promises. One day I could walk a 5k, and the next I would be in a wheelchair at a field trip. One day I could sew a quilt and the next I couldn’t even touch the pedal to run the machine. One day I could cook a nice meal, and the next day I can’t even stand up to get something out of the refrigerator. That meant/means that my husband and my children have had to do things for me, housecleaning, cooking, activities, push my wheelchair, walk my dog, help me with baths and showers, tie my shoes, disappointed at broken promises.

I have failed as a mom, wife, mom and woman…and I can’t get SSI because of not being able to work so I have no Social Security benefits to help me with disability. Often I can’t even drive myself to the doctors office. My husband had to work from home for years so that he could be available to help me. We have lost money, houses and land to pay for the medical bills that have accrued to keep me alive, which irritates our children for lack of an inheritance. My husband has asked very few things from me as a wife…and because of disabilities, I can’t give him any of them with any consistency.

Of course, I’ve heard the complaints about taking care of me, or me not taking care of them, of my husband doing the wife’s work, and ‘wasting’ my husband’s money. I’ve had complaints that my issues make things too hard for others. I’ve been asked to leave a church because the lack of healing was causing people’s faith to fail. I am a burden to society.

Burden – that which is borne with difficulty.

My mother committed suicide because she knew that I would spend part of my married life trying to keep her alive. She didn’t follow her typical routine…this time, she was serious. This time, she wanted no mistakes. And as I said above…my aunt said to me “Your mother gave you a gift”. My mother did not want to be a burden on me in my marriage.

I did not want to be a burden in my children’s lives or in my husband’s life. I wanted to give them that gift…free them from the burden of this sick, mentally ill, physically depleted ball and chain.
I did call all the help lines…and some people…but no one had time to come to be with me.
I almost succeeded.

If it weren’t for the sheriff and the park ranger that drove past the car, and called the EMT’s – who somehow got this non responding, lifeless body to the ER, and then the ER docs that worked for several hours to bring me back…and the ICU nurses that watched over me…I would not be here.

I have memories of those that just didn’t care if I succeeded.
I have memories of those that accused me of doing it for attention.
I have memories of those I was trying to release being angry at me for doing this ‘to them’.
I have memories of thinking ‘ I better get it right next time, because this continued failure is causing the burden to grow!’
But what I didn’t have was the KNOW inside that NO ONE can determine my worth, other than me and my God.

A person that feels like they are a burden – and that the world is better off without them – and that they would lift all the bad things from their family if they were not there – this person needs LOVE.

This person is crying out for LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE.
This person cannot commit suicide in the presence of someone…because that would be adding to the burden in their life!
Responding to this person in anger only fans the fires of failure and incompetent burden.
This person needs unconditional love…no matter how broken they are.
This person needs to know that they have worth because they have life. You are not given worth by other people – you are born with it. The problem is, we let others take it away.

WHAT TURNED ME AROUND?

After 20 years of therapy…many thoughts…many counselors…somehow, somewhere something clicked.

I have always had a strong faith in Jesus Christ – but because of the church’s response to the suicides in my family, I wasn’t convinced that suicide ends up in a person going to hell. So, that didn’t do it.

One therapist shared a quote with me…and at this moment I cannot find it, but it made me aware that the very fact that I AM means that I have worth. She challenged my concept of the sanctity of life.

Do I consider life worth saving? Then why not mine?
Do I consider life worth living? then why not mine?
And – who do I believe gave life? God

How do I believe about the conception of a baby? God causes each conception, and every conception deserves life…therefore…why not me?
If God has not chosen to take my life, who am I to argue with Him? Job didn’t fare very well in his depressive, suicidal tirade, so why should I?

Psalm 23 has pulled me through…

yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for thou art with me…thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

It has been a path..a rocky, rough path that has brought me to almost no thoughts of suicide. And now, when I hear of a suicide, I am saddened that someone who had a life to live did not or could not ask for help, or find the right person to hold their hand until they came out of the dark valley.

WHAT CAN SOMEONE DO TO HELP?

BE THERE.

How many suicides occur in the midst of a family gathering? I don’t think that any of them do.

I know that some are just asking for attention…but when a 2 year old acts out to get attention, do you just ignore them until they burn themselves with the matches? Of course not. When child is acting out, it’s usually because they need to have different attention to help them through this phase…and that is the same with someone that is talking suicide. You don’t give up on the 2 year old…please don’t give up on someone that is having a mental disconnect that could take their life.

I actually gave up many possible methods, because of how frequently they fail…and the person is worse off afterwards. If I fail, I’ll have crippled hands, or if the fall doesn’t kill me, I could have to be in a wheelchair with worse pain than I do now, etc. Share with this person information on Lost All Hope about statistics of failure.

Suicidal thinking is not REALITY based thinking…it is CATASTROPHIC thinking…and having someone with you, that is not reacting to the events with such a catastrophic outlook is a calming effect by itself.

PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE SOMEONE THAT IS TALKING ABOUT SUICIDE!

PLEASE DO NOT CALL SOMEONE’S BLUFF.

PLEASE DO GET SOME HELP FROM SOME OF THESE WEBSITES TO HELP YOURSELF HELP SOMEONE YOU LOVE.

PsychCentral has some great help for those wanting to help, and those considering suicide.

Lost All Hope is an interesting point of view from another suicidal recoverer.

NAMI – National Alliance on Mental Illness has a page on how to help and how to recognize the signs.

I have not written this from a Christian, Biblical point of view…but I will be adding that feature here soon. The point is, all cultures have some level of sanctity of life…your life is sacred…it is a gift…and you are a gift. You have worth, because YOU ARE. To stop being means that you have wiped out the worth you were born with. Don’t let ‘THEM’ win.

~~~~~~~

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links:

Got Questions provides a detailed explanation of The Roman’s Road.
Billy Graham’s version of the Plan of salvation.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

M. Christine Wildman

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

Copyrights and Legal-eze
There are many organizations that support children and families. Here are ones that we are blessed to be a part of. Please consider sponsoring a child – the life you change could be your own.

Naomi’s Heart Ministries
Obed’s House Ministries
The son of a friend will be interning with CRU – previously known as Campus Crusades for Christ. If you’d like to support someone I can vouch for in this area, please consider going to Matthew Plant’s donation page.

The First 100 Days – day 36 – Empty

Abandoned
like a newborn baby thrown in the dumpster

Attacked
like ravenous sharks at the smell of my blood

Broken
like a window with a rock thrown through it

Crushed
Like garbage gathered in a disposal

Deceived
like a black widow’s mate

Drowned
like helpless in a 20 foot hurricane surge

Empty
Like a clear night sky without any stars.

Forsaken
Like Jesus the night before the cross

Ground
like a pill into a powder

hungered
like a child that has to search a trash heap for some food.

Ignored
like the elephant in the tiny room

Pressed down
like apple scraps pressed for cider

Splintered
like boards at a karate studio

Struck
like a baseball heading out of the park

Stung
like being blanketed in a bee hive

Shattered
Like a thin crystal vase thrown against a brick wall

Pain, in every cell of your body crying out for emotional understanding and safety, and getting the opposite.
Parts that cannot take much more pain crying out for explanation, but only getting blamed.
Why are the sick blamed for their illnesses?
Why are the disabled blamed for their weakness?
Why are the protectors protecting those that need no protecting?
When does love come?
Hosea knows.
Job knows.
Someday, the child will know, too.
But who will stand up for the child?
Who can see past the lies, and set themselves aside and love the child?

Deuteronomy 27:19 – Cursed is the man who withholds justice from the alien, the fatherless or the widow.

Psalm 41:1 – Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of trouble.

Proverbs 31:8-9 – Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Matthew 25:35-36.40 – For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. . . I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.

Is asking for help when stumbling narcissistic?
Is asking for water when thirsty narcissistic?
Is asking for safety when threatened narcissistic?
Is asking for help for healing narcissistic?

Narcissism –noun

inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity. an exceptional interest in or admiration for oneself, esp one’s physical appearance.
Psychoanalysis . erotic gratification derived from admiration of one’s own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development. sexual satisfaction derived from contemplation of one’s own physical or mental endowments

The First 100 days – day 25 – depression

Job 3:1-4 After this opened Job his mouth, and cursed his day. And Job spake, and said, Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night [in which] it was said, There is a man child conceived. Let that day be darkness; let not God regard it from above, neither let the light shine upon it.

In my life, I am responsible for my choices.

In my life, my choices affect others.

When my choices affect others in a negative way, I get sad.

When my choices affect others in a negative way, and I cannot fix it…I get depressed.

Depression is a disease. I have what is called Major Depressive Disorder, or Unipolar Depression. In me, it’s mostly under control now, but sometimes, it sneaks up on me like a snake in tall grass..

The problem with an issue that causes depression flare ups, is that sometimes, the issue doesn’t make any sense to anyone other than me(the depressive person). It’s like a washing machine going around and around in my head…getting faster and faster…and everyone else is on the outside saying “just turn it off”. Hello – there’s no off switch on the inside of the washer!!!!

Job 3:20-24 “Oh, why should light be given to the weary, and life to those in misery? They long for death, and it won’t come. They search for death more eagerly than for hidden treasure. It is a blessed relief when they finally die, when they find the grave. Why is life given to those with no future, those destined by God to live in distress? I cannot eat for sighing; my groans pour out like water.

I’m not suicidal – this time. Though as I wrote in my prior essay on Job, I have been there…countless times.

So – cutting doesn’t work.

drugs doesn’t work.

alcohol doesn’t work

Suicide won’t work.

Binge eating won’t work.

Movie marathons don’t work.

Crying just comes…tears just roll down my cheeks….

I can’t concentrate on my blog in progress.

I don’t want to eat(not a really bad thing for me).

I am overwhelmed with “I HAVE FAILED, AGAIN” feelings.

The ‘silly’ issues are so huge.

Giving up my books – they have been a grounding point for me all through my struggles since the memories triggered the depression.

Not being able to provide Jim with a lovely home in the RV…

Not being able to be focused in one mindset….being double minded(in more ways than one).

I have no faith in me.

Which means, I have no faith in God’s ability to work in me.

Well – there’s another Christi failure.

Sarah.

Rachel.

Rahab.

Three female failures that God used.

Psalm 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Depression is a valley in the shadow of death. That’s the truth.

Jesus walks with me in the valley. That’s truth.

I have spent money on things that stare me in the face…money that could have been spent on something better…money that could have done more good. But I chose to spend that money, because I thought it was the right thing to do in the circumstance. I made the choice I thought was right, given the information I had at the time. So, now, looking back, I regret that I didn’t have prophetic wisdom?

So, now my cry is…am I hearing God’s voice?

John 10:27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:

The Israelite’s knew when God wasn’t with them…they went out and fought, and if they lost even 1 man…they came back and fell on their knees to the Lord. But even after repenting.. that one man, 10 men, 30 men, were still dead.

That’s the thing about messing up…circumstances remain.

Sarah had Hagar and Ishmael to deal with – and look at what that has done to our world.

Rebekah deceived her husband, and didn’t live to see Jacob and his children, and the deception send Esau towards the Ishmaelites…more enemies for the Jews.

Rachel brought the idols away from her father’s house…interestingly, she died in childbirth.

Peter denied Christ…and almost gave up.

Stephen was still dead when Saul turned to Paul.

Our circumstances always follow us…as signs saying

DON’T DO THAT AGAIN!!!

Prov 26:2 As the bird by wandering, as the swallow by flying, so the curse causeless shall not come.

I’ll straighten out that KJV –

a curse doesn’t come without a cause.
A curse that comes is not without cause.
If a curse comes, there is a cause.

I’m not saying that I am cursed….I’m saying that circumstances come for a reason. Deut 28 is a great chapter to see cause and effect. Proverbs is good, too!

Prov 26:6 He that sendeth a message by the hand of a fool cutteth off the feet, [and] drinketh damage.

Prov 26:11 As a dog returneth to his vomit, [so] a fool returneth to his folly.

BUT GOD!

As I was looking at the cause and effect of my choices, an angel called. Yes, an angel named Faith called me on the phone. Since she is my daughter, with a newborn baby, married to a soldier that is away for the week, I had promised her that I would answer the phone when she called. I try to always keep my promises, no matter how sad I feel.

Faith was my Elihu. And because of her ability to speak the truth, in love, I was able to hear the Lord’s voice and walk out of this valley of the shadow of death.

I have had to endure the Lord speaking to me out of a whirlwind before…of course, I think I was the one that created the whirlwind of chaos!

Today, through prayer, and crying out as I searched through the scriptures, God answered me through the sweet sounds of our daughter. She was even used as a rod in God’s hands to point out a blind spot – that I was able to repent over, and be freed from that bondage. I was also able to hear the real size of the issues, and rest in the Lord, to be content in peace.

3 John 1:4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.

I have a thorn in my flesh – like Paul – though not for the same reason: 2 Cor 12:7 – And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

But more so that in my weakness, I can turn to HIM. 2 Cor 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

This ‘infirmity’ may never leave me. But neither will the Lord Jesus Christ.

Is 41:10 NLT Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

Is 41:13 NLT I am holding you by your right hand–I, the LORD your God. And I say to you, `Do not be afraid. I am here to help you.

Now unto Him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, To the only wise God our Savior be honor and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen. Jude 24-25

With this kind of God – and the enormous love He sheds upon me – how can I give up? How can I quit? I can…but I am compelled by His great love – to love. I love, because He first loved me(1 John 4:19).

I do have past mistakes, and I’m pretty sure I will make future mistakes, and I have even made mistakes today. But God knew all about them, and MY God is BIG enough to handle MY mistakes, an make sure that all things work together for my good and His glory! Anything less is a lack of faith…as in, my God is too small. I got to let Him out of the box I keep putting Him in! It’s when I let HIM be God that I truly enjoy the joy of the Lord.

I praise God that He had Faith call. I praise God that I had a human voice that was Jesus to me. I praise God for His great love, compassion, and patience with me.

A year ago, this may have turned out differently, but by God’s grace, I am here, and I shall live to declare the glory of God!(Ps 118:17)

Thanks for joining me in this journey,

In His hands and under His wings,

~Christi

Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.