Tag Archives: Depression

Oil of Joy

This is a very simple posting of an old Bible Study I did in 2003.
This is a perfect statement for my Joy Journey right now.

Oil of Joy – 2-13-2003 ©Mary Christine Wildman

Joy is a choice.

With my past experience with abuse, which plunged me into deep depression, medically declared not recoverable, as well as a mother with Bi-Polar/Manic- Depressive, and a daughter diagnosed as the same, as well as suicides running through the family spirit….Joy has been an elusive concept at times. I don’t take joy for granted. I respect the warning signs of depression.

It’s a choice? None of the above was a choice! What choice do I have?

Psal 16:6 (KJS) The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant [places]; yea, I have a goodly heritage.
7 I will bless the LORD, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons.
8 I have set the LORD always before me: because [he is] at my right hand, I shall not be moved.
9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope.
10 For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; neither wilt thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption.
11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence [is] fulness of joy; at thy right hand [there are] pleasures for evermore.

I can choose to trust in the Lord, look at what He has done for me, seek His counsel, hearken to His words, bless Him, set Him before me, and to stay in His presence, at His right hand.

Isai 61:3 (KJS) To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

I can choose to go to Him. He is glorified when I allow him to give me the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise of the spirit of heaviness…He wants to have the glory of being my joy! He knows that I am mourning, and has prepared a solution for it…before I was even conceived!

Hebr 12:12 (KJS) Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees;

My hands hang down when I am discouraged, my knees are feeble when I am afraid…..and then Lord says:

Nehe 8:10 (KJS) Then he said unto them, Go your way, eat the fat, and drink the sweet, and send portions unto them for whom nothing is prepared:for [this] day [is] holy unto our Lord: neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the LORD is your strength.

He is my strength! If I let Him be my joy…then I will be strong..in Him!

2Tim 1:7 (KJS) For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

He can calm my mind…when I am depressed, I do not have a sound mind…I am fearing…and that is not of Him! If I ask, He will give me the mind of Christ…and renew my mind. (Phil 2:5, Rom 12:2) He tells me to

1Pet 1:13 (KJS) Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ;

Last week, I was overcome with discouragement…when all in the house were sick or not up to par, and the plan wasn’t working, and there was so much to do. I had finally, taken a walk with the Lord…and had started to pull out of the dumps…but even the work of Saturday, the hugeness of it, without really even touching what I needed to get done for school brought me to my knees in tears. I went to my prayer closet (bathroom) and cried.
Where is the joy? And He gently reminded me that joy is a choice…a choice of where I spend my time, where I place my heart, where I walk, and with whom I talk. In HIS presence is fullness of joy! I had been too busy doing what I thought He wanted me to do, that I hadn’t been with Him.

When I was marching around the house, thinking on the sins that were attacking our family, I had great joy…..from the presence of the King.

My prayer is
(Acts 17:27) That in Him I would live, and move and have my being.
That I would walk after the Spirit (Rom 8), (Gal 5:16-25) and live in the spirit-
Gala 5:25 (KJS) If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

This is part of the Big Plan that God has for my family…

Jude 1:24 (KJS) Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present [you] faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy, 25 To the only wise God our Saviour, [be] glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen.

how many is too many?

How much is enough?

    8 surgeries in three years….too much.
    3 headaches in 7days…too much.
    250 pounds – too much.
    5 children and 2 miscarriages in 6 years…too much.
    2 meds, 4 meds, 6 meds, 10 meds?
    VITAMINS?????
    cars in the front yard?
    houses on every continent?
    $$$$?
    how many things,
    how many crises,
    how many children,
    how many difficulties, 
    how many traumas….

how many, how much is too much?

Starting my continuing care medical appointments feels like too much.

    Primary care
    ortho
    neuro
    fibro
    rheuma
    podiatrist
    opthamologist
    gynocologist
    dentist
    and a  pain specialist that makes me feel like a drug addict.

But, how much is enough?

    enough to stop the pain?
    enough to block the memories?
    enough to feel satiated?
    enough to feel appreciated?
    enough to feel safe…

We live in an RV, but have lived in 2000+ sq ft houses.
We have had a new car…but now have older cars with all the bugs worked out of them.

Too much or too little?

    I want to walk – I’d like to walk the recommended 10000 steps  per day…but I broke a bone in my left foot.
    I want to swim – but the outside pools are too full of people, or the weather does not cooperate.
    I want to bike – but I injured my knee on a recumbent bike.
    I want to do body weight exercises – but my elbows never fully recovered from prior injuries.

how many surgeries, injuries are enough? Too many?  enough to get things to work well?

    How much bible reading is enough?
    How much is not enough?
    How much prayer is enough?
    How much is not enough?
    How many smiles are enough? not enough?
    How many tears are enough? Not enough?
    If I wear a covering? or not?
    If I wear a dress? or jeans?
    If i don’t wear make-up? or do?
    If I grow my hair long? or cut it?
    If I eat kosher? or just clean?

If I give all to the poor – ALL – if I have not love…I am a noisy gong.
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though

I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing. 1 Cor 13:3

But that doesn’t answer my question. How much is too much? How much is enough?

    GRACE
    MERCY
    FORGIVENESS
    PATIENCE
    LONG-SUFFERING …

The fruit of the Spirit!

Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness AND Self-control.

The Love Chapter in the Bible.

    love is patient
    love is kind
    love is not envious
    not conceited
    not rude

Think on these things:

    whatsoever things are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy.

That is a lot to keep in mind….
Then there’s

    modesty,
    humility,
    compassion,
    actions and
    non actions…
    how to BE MORE than you ARE!

How much is enough?

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

In the work out realm…the balanced answer is:

just do one more than you did yesterday.

But am I able to accept that what I am doing right now is enough?
Probably not.

Am I able to accept that right now, my life is revolving around doctors – helping to fix the things that have been broken?
I’m trying.

Am I able to rest in the fact that Jesus died for me – and that believing in Him is all that is needed for salvation? The Bible Tells me so:

Rom 10:9 If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
(and Rom 5:9-10; Acts 16:31; John 3:16-17; 1 John 3:23)

But there are times that I think I should DO more…

And then, I think about the Apostle Paul. His life was rough.
But he writes and encourages the church to be content in all things.

Reading the list of things that he went through – I think, it is too much!
Reading the times of suffering want – I think, it’s not enough!
But, Paul says – it is enough – I am content.
HOW???

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Phil 4:13

Doing all things through Christ?

And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;Col 3:23

So –

    If I go to the doctor because I have not been miraculously healed – I do it through Christ and unto the Lord.
    If I workout to strengthen my body – I do it through Christ and unto the Lord.
    If I choose to dress in one way or the other – I do it through Christ and unto the Lord.
    And if I go to bed, and I have done all that has been presented to me, I have attempted to be better today than I was yesterday, then I can be content.

    AND If I stumble and fall – I have the promise that he will forgive, and pick me up – His mercies are new every morning.

How much is too much? more than I can handle. And He promised not to give me more than I can handle.

How much is too little? less effort than I can give. Less than what I have.

I’m not done with these thoughts…but this is a good place to close this for further processing.

Apparently, I need to work on being content.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.

We have email subscription! And you can manage your subscription from the dashboard!
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

 
Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

depression digs deep with drugs

Hello.
My name is Christi.
I live with depression.
Not by choice – but by genetics and some environment, and nurture.  Mostly, genetics. And training through the nurture.
I Live.
I choose to LIVE.
and yet, I’ve lived with voices in my head since I was 16, telling me that I’m not good enough for this world, and I should just take myself out of the equation and make everyone elses lives better.  sometimes it’s a screaming all incompassing voice.  sometimes just a quiet whisper.  sometimes I recognize that it is not MY desire and I can fight it.  sometimes, it can over power the other, more sensible voices in my head.  But, even though it can be quieted for a while, I have found that the voice is not dead.

I Have one attempt that I have written about. In 2009, that voice was too loud for sense to break through.

But I tried to ask for help for years…and was told, at 16, “that’s normal – all teens go through that. ”
Later, I was told: “stop being dramatic, stop demanding attention.”
I knew very few people that really thought about dying, much less HOW to do it, and WHY.
I didn’t really find this group of people for which it was normal, except in a psychiatric hospital…but, those of us that need to be hospitalized are not the social norm, are we?  Or we wouldn’t be hospitalized, right?

Ok – so, here’s the current situation.
I have pain – I fibromyalgia – AND I have issues with tendons at the insertion points.  This has meant multiple surgeries – AND a standard set of medications that have psychiatric effects as well. 
The most recent tests had me looking back to a medicine that had been prescribed to help with migraines…to relax muscles. I was supposed to take this twice a day.
Another doctor had me taking a medication that was to prevent migraines…and I was supposed to titrate that up to three pills a day.

WARNING: ALWAYS CHECK MEDICATION SIDE EFFECTS, AND HOW THEY CAN EFFECT EACH OTHER BEFORE TAKING NEW MEDS!  MAYBE EVEN BEFORE GETTING THE SCRIPT FILLED!

I guess that could be a spoiler.

I also suffer from S.A.D. – Seasonal Affective Disorder.  In Ohio, in the winter – I used a light box to counter act the effects.  But I live in sunny florida!
This winter has been very rough – much grey sky and rainy weather.   Not snow – but the grey was our part of the 2014 winter.
two children moving further away, one with two grandchildren as well.
one child having scary health issues
one child having children issues
hips back and knee continued to limit my ability…I hurt my knee trying to ride a stationary bike!
moving out of an apartment back into the RV
Thinking we were getting a new RV that would address some issues of the old RV – and getting denied(actually, too high interest rate).
Jim traveling much more than we had originally planned
I broke my foot. I’m stuck in a boot, which limited my walking in the ‘sunshine’ when it was out!
And just all around malaise that comes with fibro, with the addition of migraines from the weather fronts.

Writing this up, it doesn’t sound like much…but, it added up – and I had a low level depression.
I saw doctors for the pain – and the prescribed the above treatments.
And I got depressed.
I have not had voices telling me to kill myself loud enough for a few years…until this past fall.
And, I fought them. And, usually, I won.
but I started losing more and more often.

I talked to my husband – and we agreed that there is the concern that if I went to a new psychiatrist,
a. it is going to have to start all over with the whole story…which is traumatizing to me
b. they will choose to give me more medicine OR
c. they will hospitalize me – and they will misdiagnose me again…with wrong meds that cause problems.

Several times, I was close – but last weekend – I was very close – VERY CLOSE.
Jim was going to Atlanta – we had decided not to go together – because I was so depressed there was nothing that could comfort me…
BUTGOD –
Now, lots of people say that God comes shining in and talks to them and saves them.
That’s not me.
BUTGOD –
On Saturday night – the night I told Jim that I was NOT going to Atlanta and Alabama with him, I had a perfect plan.
BUTGOD –
I have been a Christian for 45 of my 54 years.
I confess that Jesus is my Lord and Savior – and that I want HIM to be in charge of MY life.
I believe the scriptures are truth – for today – and applicable.
And as I went to sleep, talking to God as I do each night, I was explaining that I didn’t have any other choice…
BUTGOD –
“way of escape”
“what?”
“ask for a way of escape”
Oh, bleep – He’s quoting His word to me…the Word that I believe is true, and that at this moment I believe does not have any comfort for me.
1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.
God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability,
but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

“Ok, Lord, please show me a way of escape.” and I went to sleep.
Sunday morning – I woke up – “go with Jim”
In my mental state, that was the last thing I wanted to do – but I prayed for a way of escape – and here it was. If I didn’t take it…I knew I would be dead, possibly in more ways than one.

I became friends with some others on NerdFitness that are fighting the same struggle.
While driving – I was useful to Jim to drive so that he could work as he traveled. Plus!
While I was in Birmingham – I met a long time friend – and had a great time. PLUS!
While in the hotel – I did a one hour water workout and remembered what it felt like to be in water! BIGPLUS!
When I got home, I found out that I had been mentioned in an article by a man that I admire – and has Jim’s ear – and could open the door for my life to help others. UBER BIG PLUS!!
In the mean time, I got an inkling that my medications were possibly iffy.
side effects – not complications of combinations – just the side effects of both were enhanced depression – which often leads to suicide thoughts!!! ARRGGHH!!
so, I stopped it.
REBOUND HEADACHE!!!
BUT – I knew what it was.
And I started laughing again. Jim commented – it’s nice to hear your laugh again!
And as the medicine left my body – my mind began to clear – I don’t want to die…I WANT TO LIVE!
And I want to touch people that are hurting – because I know about hurting – physical, mental, emotional and social.
I did not die – I did not have the tools in the hotel room!
BUTGOD – gave me a way of escape –
BUTGOD – even reminded me to ASK for that way of escape.

My life line scripture –

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I WILL FEAR NO EVIL, FOR YOU ARE WITH ME;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me!
Ps 23:4

I have a coin with that inscribed upon it – and I have put it back on.
will I fight this battle again? probably.
but this time, I have a few more friends that will hold my hand.
I have a few more tools.
and I have the experience that if I cry out to God for a way of escape – HE IS FAITHFUL.
If I am faithful to believe, HE IS FAITHFUL TO DELIVER!

thank you for reading this.
May you know the shepherd of Psalm 23 as YOUR personal savior!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.

We have email subscription! And you can manage your subscription from the dashboard!
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi’s Heart Mission

 
Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

28 days of Grace – day 20 – Alone – emotional turmoil

AFTER SOME SERIOUS MERRY-GO-ROUND ISSUES THIS WEEKEND – THESE ARE THE THOUGHTS RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD:

Giant alone
Afraid of being alone
SA victim more than most…totally alone even in their own skin
The secret and the threat of revealing the secret keep the victim from those that should be for them more than any others.
How much worse when the secret is because of one that should have protected her from such secrets, and kept her from sharing with the only other that should have been there for her?

And then, when one knows that one is broken, not good enough for anyone that nature says should love her and want to be with her…or even for one that made the choice to be with her, that aloneness is thick like blood, matted together and stinking.

And if nature points to, and imitates and shadows the divine, and common nature doesn’t wasn’t to be with this one, why would a perfect divine choose to be with common that is unloved and unwanted by it’s own?

How can one so unlovable find a well of love to love others from, when their own cistern continues to be sucked dry, with only mud and refuse replaced?

Why lie about love, and then act out hatter, trying to pretend that the very hatefull act is love itself? When a child is taught from the first breath that hate is love, and that their feelings are only pawns in their ‘lovers’ chess game, the pawn understands that they are disposable for the good of the game…always protect the king and queen, if not the family. 

And should such a pawn exclaim for some minute acknowledgment of existence or need, it is quickly sacrificed with the twist of guilt for not playing properly.  The fault is fully that wicked pawn’s…for it was all a game….and the secret is a lie, and the damage is all your fault.

Disposable
abandonable
blameable

These are the thoughts running through my head….on this 21st day of the 28 day journey.
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi

28 Days of Grace – Day 15, Hope continued

I wait for the Lord, I expectantly wait, and in His word do I
hope.
Psalm 130:5 AMP

I have been participating in a 60 day challenge for T-Tapp. In these 60 days, a person agrees to only do T-Tapp, walking, and swimming.
They can also choose to do better eating, also supported by T-Tapp.
At the beginning and the end, you submit photos, and measurements, and an essay.

I shared part one. Here is my essay, part two.

Unfortunately, I still couldn’t. I was struggling under constant chronic pain exacerbated by multiple surgeries back to back with fibromyalgia. I couldn’t walk my dog the 1/4 mile minimum it would take to let him go to the bathroom. I could no longer swim because I might not be able to get up out of the pool. My ankles were not solid enough to even try a stationary bike, much less one that required balance. If I tapped, the vibration sent horrible nerve waves of pain up my leg, and would shut me down for several days. If I couldn’t butterfly or hoedown, what could I do? For that matter, physical therapy would shut me down for several days. Everyone was trying to get my mind off of ‘training’ and on to ‘healing.’ My physical therapist was begging me to forget about a triathlon, forget about 5ks, and just focus on healing. Trisch was trying to encourage me to let my body heal from all the barrage of drugs and abuse having occurred in just 24 short months. By week two, with failed pain treatments, I was ready to give up.

In order to not give up midway into the 60 days, I joined Kirsten Tucker’s 6 week T-Tapp Tight Club(tm) almost before I even signed up for the 60 day challenge. Kirsten has known me for over a year now, and I trust her to not push me too hard, to push me where I need it, and to help me keep my head in the right direction. Her eight Tight Club(tm) Rules challenged me. When we started on May 1, the only rule I had in place was “Rule #5 – Supportive Athletic Shoes are Required.”

Based on what I thought I could do, she created a workout plan for me, and I became discouraged by how much slower and lower level it was than the one she’d created just one year previous. “Rule #6 – No self-recrimination; be kind to yourself.”
When I suffered from the repercussions of pain blocking injections three different times, both Trisch and Kirsten rallied behind me, saying that this was just a stepping stone. “Rule #4 – One step at a time. Think tortoise not hare.”

Each week, as Trisch would post insights into the various moves, I would also Skype with Kirsten to discuss what was going on. I asked questions of both of them(Rule #7), sometimes repeatedly. When something was too tiring, or hurt too much, they would not let me wallow. Rule #8 is “If you fall off the wagon, get back on and don’t look back.” It could be “Don’t wallow.”

The one thing that came up again and again is my concern that I was not doing the work (Rule # 3). I have a voice inside my head that says if I don’t get it done right the first time, it’s because I didn’t try hard enough. That seriously impacted Rule #8 and Rule #6. I had to learn to believe. I had to learn to hope that I COULD get back up, and not look back. I had to learn to believe that if I could only take one step today without compromising my energies for tomorrow, then that WAS me doing the work, and doing it well! I had to learn to see that if I took a step in the right direction, I was taking a step…and Rule #4 was “One Step at a Time!”
I have done sitting hoedowns when possible. I try to do Awesome Legs every night, and OIP several times a day. I have walked with my tail tucked and my shoulders rolled. When I am driving to my physical therapy, I hear Teresa’s voice telling me to “tuck it, lift it”…and I do so. I even try to roll back my shoulders and twist my palms up on the steering wheel!

What did I gain from this challenge?
Hope. HOPE!
Hope has grown in my heart through the T-Tapp community and ‘consciousness’.
Trisch talked about healing adrenals almost as much as she talks about T-Tapp or Jesus Christ!
Kirsten encouraged me to care for myself so that I will have health — body, mind and soul. She even encouraged me to PLAY as part of my health!
Then there is Teresa Tapp. Her various Facebook posts about health and dietary issues, articles, and her research into all aspects of women’s health were foundational in preparing me to take charge of my health.
These three women gave me the pieces to my health puzzle. My new doctor looked at my pieces and gave me a plan.
By God’s grace, I have the hope and courage to put this all together for my future.

During the past 60 days, I’ve spent the first three weeks in bed from nerve block injections that failed.
During the past 60 days, I’ve received emails and posts of support, encouragement, wisdom and healthy research from all of these ladies.
During the past 60 days, I have learned to hydrate myself in order for my body to heal.
During the past 6 weeks, I have learned self care by doing skin brushing which has rolled into other avenues of self care daily.
During the past 6 weeks, I have been able to walk my dog 1/4 to ½ mile daily, to walk up and down steps daily, and to drive myself to and from my physical therapy and appointments.
In the last 3 weeks, I have found the courage to contact a medical doctor that is also a naturopath in order to take charge of my health.
In the last 2 weeks, I have been on a yeast free, God Made, food program, designed to both cleanse my system, and heal my adrenals.
I have dropped a cholesterol drug, a diabetes drug, constipation drugs, and reducing a stomach acid drug is next. I am sleeping through the night regularly, with no medications. I don’t fall asleep during the day anymore!
By Sunday, I had lost weight, and lost 7 ½ inches. I had also lost many of the health issues that had troubled my life.

This quick and total transformation is because of the T-Tapp community. Without the various products, discussions, posts and people, I would not have been prepared to understand the complex world of adrenals! Likewise, I would not have embraced the need for Magnesium, or bio-identical hormones, or B-12! Truthfully, I would not have kept trying, over and over and over again.

On Tuesday the 12th, I begin my third week into this new way of eating…God Made Meals! I will tell Kirsten that I have befriended the Tight Club(tm) rules now. I’m ready to get back up on that wagon(Rule #8)…even if it means a month or more of MORE Chair!.
I talk about T-Tapp and Tight Club all the time(Rule #1).
What has really changed in me this time, though, is Rule #2.
“If someone tells you “You can’t.” respond “Yes, I can!”“
Can I change my life, take charge of my health, and have hope for the future?

YES I CAN!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.

We have email subscription! Or sign up for an account, and you can manage your subscription from the dashboard!
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi's Heart Mission

 

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

28 days of Grace – day 14 – Hope

I wait for the Lord, I expectantly wait, and in His word do I
hope.
Psalm 130:5 AMP

I have been participating in a 60 day challenge for T-Tapp. In these 60 days, a person agrees to only do T-Tapp, walking, and swimming.
They can also choose to do better eating, also supported by T-Tapp.
At the beginning and the end, you submit photos, and measurements, and an essay.

Here is my essay, part one.

My name is M. Christine Wildman. I am 51 and 3/4 years old, mother of five, and wife to a wonderful supportive man of 32 years. Joining this 60 day challenge was an act of desperation on my part, desperate to find some shred of hope that I would someday be able to have health. I didn’t expect any physical results, because I was not able to do many of the T-Tapp exercises. I wanted to see if the bloodwork levels would change. While there were several health issues that I listed on my application, my greatest goal was to obtain hope that these health issues could be helped.

My health history includes a total hysterectomy at age 29, at which time I was a 15% body fat, 115 pound, quite fit mother of five toddlers, aged 1-7 years. In the following 6 years, I had a surgery a year. That was over 20 years ago. At age 51, I had all but given up hope for the future.

At the beginning of 2008 I competed in 5k sports, though always in last place. In September of 2008, I either walked with a walker, or rode in a wheelchair. Many of my hip and lower back issues were discovered then. In November 2009, with the help of a Physical Therapist, Personal Trainer, and my faith in Jesus Christ, I was able to complete the three parts of a mini triathlon, while maintaining my sugar levels between the events. I was in training for a sprint triathlon February 2010, but other things got in the way.

In the 2 years since I have had 6 surgeries. Four were repairs on torn tendons in my ankles or feet. One was repair to torn tendons in my left elbow. The latest one was to repair and reconstruct my left ankle and ruptured Achilles Tendon. The history prior to these surgeries isn’t much better. Both knees have had meniscus repairs. I have inflamed SI joint issues and my hips tend to rotate out of alignment because of loose tendons. I have a broken back bone, with five lumbar vertebra that like to slip in and out. I was beginning to become concerned that I had some sort of tendon disease, even involving fingers that needed surgery.

At the beginning of this 60 day challenge, my weight was over 240 pounds. My body fat is embarrassing, even on x-rays! I could barely walk my dog, stairs were a chore to be avoided, and I was on the diabetic and cholesterol medicine. I have a service dog to alert to my blood sugar drops, help me with balance, and keep an eye (ear? nose?) on my heart rate. Staying awake all day was next to impossible, but sleeping at night was iffy, even if I forced myself to stay awake during the day.

During my previous foot surgeries, I was able to do T-Tapp MORE Chair, MORE in a CHAIR and even got to doing BWO in a chair! I did Awesome Legs to keep the swelling down, and skin brushing to help the lymphatic drain. As soon as I could put a little weight on my right foot, I worked on the 15 minute workout, OIP/HF/Elevators. I even did a workout with Kirsten while I was in a wheelchair. But these last two surgeries were harder on me, and I was in too much pain to bounce, press, push, or even butterfly. Actually, I was forbidden to butterfly for a while – I was not to fully extend my arms. I did try to keep up Awesome Legs and Skin Brushing. I couldn’t set things up for doing a video, so even the program that kept me active for the first four surgeries was not available to me this time. By now, depression was setting in, and with that depression, lethargy and apathy. I felt like I had a huge “I CAN’T” emblazoned on my forehead.

I am in a small, private email group with T-Tapp Trainer Trisch Richardson who cannot stop talking about T-Tapp and all the benefits. She urged me to join the challenge, and encouraged me that I could do it. Over the last two years, in the midst of all of these surgeries, I have been encouraged to have gastric by-pass surgery over and over. I was approved, but that surgery was delayed because of a third right ankle surgery. Then, because of the concern for the left Achilles tendon and ankle bone and eventual surgery, the by-pass surgery was delayed even longer. Once the Achilles was repaired the doctors started talking about Gastric ByPass again. They said I would not be able to heal with all this weight. Trisch spoke into my life with her focus that it’s not always about weight – but about health! “Less is More!”, “Teresa says…..”, and multiple other T-Tapp quotes that can be read all through the website, forum and the book! After more than two years, she convinced me to try the challenge, just to see that “Yes, I Can!”

Part Two coming next.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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Barbs Drawing

Naomi's Heart Mission

 

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

My response in Light of a 13 yo’s suicide in MN

A post I wrote on May 10, 2012, in response to hearing of a young girl’s suicide – and complaints that no one did enough:

I survived a suicide attempt…I was considered dead at the scene(beyond non-responsive)…and God revived me…in the ER on 11/17/2009
I know what goes on inside the mind of one that does this….
I did everything I could to prevent it from happening to my mom
I did everything I could to keep Anna from succeeding (can we spell familiar spirit????)
And, yes, those around me missed some things, but I kept them hidden.
Those around me were tired…and made a few missteps…but, in their minds, they did everything they were able to do –
My voices were voices from the past…doubled by some ‘bullying’ in the present…but mostly, my voices in my head were voices I’d believed, and had internalized…and any external voice just made the internal voice scream louder, and validated that internal voice.

No, those dealing with this precious child probably didn’t do ‘everything’ they could…because they probably could not conceive of what goes on inside a head that REALLY believes that suicide is the only way. But, they may have done ALL that they knew to do.

I have had to forgive those that were not able to hold my hand and pull me up from the sinking sand that sucked me into suicide that day.

I have had to forgive myself for thinking that my mom had gotten over her voices. I have had to thank God that Anna never succeeded, and yet, I’ve had to forgive myself for whatever brought things to that point(I know some of them now, and each time I learn of something new, I go through horrible grief, and have to take it to the Lord again).

Bullying will never stop…though it needs to be dealt with. The battle is to strengthen the minds and hearts of these wounded ones, so that they have an armor against the attacks of the enemy!

I think I’m supposed to be speaking to people about this…and the death of this child has stirred up an urgency in my heart.
I will be preparing my talks ASAP – and I pray that I will have an audience – and if I can save ONE from suicide…then, I know that my life has had purpose in Jesus.

Praying…praying, praying…..
~Christi

5/16/2012 – once the mind is made up to commit suicide, it is too late, unless the person is placed into a mental hospital that will protect them while helping them get past that mental state. There is nowhere safe enough to prevent a suicide, other than those places created to do just that.

I don’t know all the details about this young person, except that she was apparently at home, doing normal family things and walked out of the room with the family, and went to her bedroom and hung herself. At what point could the family have intervened? I don’t know…Once the hopelessness takes over, then the plan to protect others from having to listen to you anymore sets in, and then, the hiding, and the secrecy takes over….and unless someone can read minds, it is probably too late.

The time to intervene is MUCH earlier…IF there is any indication.
Sometimes, as in another suicide of a young man, there is NO indication, at least, not enough to add up to ‘suicidal thoughts’.

Prov 16:25 There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof [are] the ways of death.

This is NOT an answer for WHY
This is NOT an excuse for those that ignore
This IS a reply to the guilt of those that didn’t SEE because the victim chose to keep it hidden.
For those that read this, please pray for me to know what I am to do with my experiences…to follow God’s calling in my life.
The answer to protect children from suicide is to instill in them their worth, so that they have the armor to stand up to bullying, and have a positive mental sound track to take down the negative voices.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

If you like The WildBerry Patch, follow me with the RSS feed.
Soon, we’ll have email subscription, and maybe a newsletter.
Soon, we will have a gallery for the art I have created by the hand of God.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi's Heart Mission

 

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

There Are Giants in my Land – part four

I’m so confused about numbering this series. This is the fourth time I’ve written about this, but this is the third giant I’m talking about.
First I talked about giants,
then the giant of fear,
and then the giant of depression.

The next giant that I’ve had to battle is the giant of bitterness. Actually, that is the giant’s sugarcoated name. The real name is unforgiveness.

Unforgiveness is a party giant.
If you are living with the giant of fear, and someone has caused that fear, un-forgiveness comes along to party with.
If you are living with the giant of depression, and you are hurt by a lack of compassion, un-forgiveness comes along to celebrate.
If you’re living with the giant of anger, and you feel misunderstood, unforgiveness comes along to stir the pot.
Unforgiveness is the last one to leave the party, really enjoying the pity parties in particular!

But as Christians we don’t like to say that we struggle with unforgiveness, because that’s the big thing that Christians do, forgive! But if we hold on to irritations, frustrations, aggravations, and stir those up in the pot of our hearts, we call that bitterness.

Mark 11.25 And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.

“when you stand praying, forgive, if you have odds against any.” That sounds like part of the Lord’s prayer.

Luke 11.4 Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.

The key isn’t it asking God to forgive us, but rather for us to forgive others.

Mark 11.25–26 that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.

In everyone’s life there is something that seems to be unforgivable. This last week I watched the movie for the second time entitled “Amish Grace.”

When a gunman killed five Amish children and injured five others in a Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania schoolhouse shooting in October of 2006, the world media attention rapidly turned from the tragic events to the extraordinary forgiveness demonstrated by the Amish community. Through the eyes of a grieving mother, Ida Graber, and other devastated families, this movie explores the Amish’s astonishing reaction to the horrific shootings – of forgiveness and compassion.

A quote by Gideon Graber, “Hate is a very big, very hungry thing… with lots of sharp teeth. It will eat up your whole heart, and leave no room left for love.”

The only reason to not forgive is because of a lack of love. The opposite of love is hate or indifference.

!!!I need to get this book so that I can use it for the quotation!!!
Or I need to watch the movie again – pointing out that unforgiveness is a giant that I need to keep being reminded to take down!

Forgiveness is a choice.
This Giant is HUGE!
I started this post back in September or October, and I am closing it up(not finishing, you understand) on 12/21/2011.

Unforgiveness is a daily giant that at times it presents itself as a little imp…
self protection – “I don’t deserve to be treated that way”
boundaries – “he’s in my space, he’s not respecting my boundaries”
energy drainer – “I just don’t have it in me to keep letting this go”

The big things, anger, greed, jealousy – those are easier to see, and recognize the unforgiveness that hangs around after the fact.

To take down this giant, I am trying to recognize times that I make excuses to NOT let go of an irritation.
My goal is that I will stand in a mindset of forgiveness – so that irritations will not be an issue. Impossible you say? Maybe true, but aiming for the goal of Christ keeps me moving forward in living more and more like HIM.

He is my example of forgiveness:

Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots.(Luke 23:34)

Out of Christ’s HUGE love, He forgave me of my HUGE debt – and for that, I am eternally grateful!

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
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Barbs Drawing

Naomi's Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Battle Plan for Comparison Blues – Part 4

Battle Plan
An Antidote for Post Conference Blues or any Comparison Blues!

Every time I go to a conference, I come back with Post conference blues. I am so quick to compare myself and my children and my efforts with everyone else, and to take the talks terribly personally, that I am overwhelmed with my conviction, and am tempted to give up.

This year I recognized it a bit before going…with the issue of dress, and looks, and expected appearance. After we arrived at home, the blues hit again, and this time, I cried out.

Here is the antidote that God gave me: part 4

Now, I’m resting, and he’s strengthened me with all his truth, healed and united my heart, and filled me with peace.
Next he says:

Eph 6:16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

Whew! That’s what I needed all along! I needed to quench those fiery darts!

Eph 6:17 And take the helmet of salvation,

sort of goes with:

Ps 18:35 Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy right hand hath holden me up, and thy gentleness hath made me great.

I can’t SEE my salvation:

Hebr 11:1 (KJS) Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Eph 2:8)

But I know it’s real:

Hebr 11:6 (KJS) But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and [that] he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

I believe! And I know that He is the author and the finisher of my faith,

Phil 1:6 (KJS) Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform [it] until the day of Jesus Christ:
1Cor 1:8 (KJS) Who shall also confirm you unto the end, [that ye may be] blameless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ.
and now, he has me running in a race!
Hebr 12:1 (KJS) Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset [us], and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of [our] faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Now…into battle!

Eph6:17 and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:
18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

We did some spiritual housecleaning, with the help of Dr. Jim Logan’s book, Regaining Surrendered Ground . My husband and I prayed together, seeking the Lord about possible causes for the seeming curses in our family (Pr 26:2), and God graciously showed us things that we had not dealt with from our family history. After taking authority over these issues, and praying the prayer to regain the ground through the blood of Jesus we thought about the three main issues we’d been led to deal with. They fell under three categories!

1Joh 2:16 (KJS) For all that [is] in the world,

  1. the lust of the flesh, and
  2. the lust of the eyes, and
  3. the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.

These, of course, hit the major three commitments we’ve all been taught, and are attempting to teach to our children.

I can tell you, after our prayer warfare this weekend, I can say with David:

Ps 18:37 I have pursued mine enemies, and overtaken them: neither did I turn again till they were consumed. 38 I have wounded them that they were not able to rise: they are fallen under my feet.

SUMMARY

If you are suffering from Post Conference(Comparison) Blues, please go through these steps…get before the Lord, and cry out! He will lead you into His peace, and He will prepare you for warfare, and remember:

Psal 98:1 (KJS) A Psalm. O sing unto the LORD a new song; for he hath done marvellous things: his right hand, and his holy arm, hath gotten him the victory.
1Cor 15:57 (KJS) But thanks [be] to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

We don’t have to worry about the victory…it’s already won…we just have to walk in His steps…and trust in Him!

BACK TO PART ONE
BACK TO PART TWO
BACK TO PART THREE

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment!
Or ‘like’ me!

Or follow me with the RSS feed.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi's Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!

Battle Plan for Comparison Blues, part 3

Battle Plan
An Antidote for Post Conference Blues or any Comparison Blues!

Every time I go to a conference, I come back with Post conference blues. I am so quick to compare myself and my children and my efforts with everyone else, and to take the talks terribly personally, that I am overwhelmed with my conviction, and am tempted to give up.

This year I recognized it a bit before going…with the issue of dress, and looks, and expected appearance. After we arrived at home, the blues hit again, and this time, I cried out.

Here is the antidote that God gave me: part 3

After I got quiet, and confessed my sins, asking God to tear down all those strongholds, He started to build towers of truth with the past piles of scriptures. As I settled down, He took me back to Ephesians 6:

Eph 6:13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

He has an armor for me….I just have to take it up….I’m not even sure I have to put it on…just to accept that he has it for me, and through HIM, I can withstand the evil day, and another version says:

Ephe 6:13 (DBY) and, having accomplished all things, to stand.

If I take up His armor (might look like a cross!), through Him, I can accomplish all things! AND stand! Reminds me of walk and not be weary, run and not faint. The Blessed man of Ps 1 chose where to walk, stand and sit…and God promises to enable me to stand, walk and run! IF I take up His armor, or His cross…and follow Him.

Psal 18:31 (KJS) For who [is] God save the LORD? or who [is] a rock save our God?
32 [It is] God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect.
33 He maketh my feet like hinds’ [feet], and setteth me upon my high places.

Youngs’ Literal Translation says:

Psal 18:33 (YLT) Making my feet like hinds, And on my high places causeth me to stand.

So, now that He has me standing, ready to tear down high places and strongholds, then he prepares me for battle!

Ps 18:34 He teacheth my hands to war, so that a bow of steel is broken by mine arms.

(Now that’s more strength than I really have!!)

Here’s the battle plan:

Eph 6:14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with TRUTH,

While I wasn’t leaning on the truth, I was subject to all types of lies.

Phil 4:8 (YLT) As to the rest, brethren, as many things as are true,

This is the FIRST thing to be meditating on! And I was allowing myself to listen to lies, to compare myself with others, and I was falling.

Ps 18:39 says: For thou hast girded me with strength unto the battle: thou hast subdued under me those that rose up against me.

This is the truth! And it is a truth that brings strength. Where there is weakness, He can be strong, if I let Him! If I don’t wallow in the weakness, but rejoice!

2Cor 12:9 (KJS) And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

So, surround myself with His truth…that’s building towers of truth! Truth that specifically attacks the lies that the enemy is shooting at me. Jesus is truth….The Truth, so I just need to abide in Him (oops, that’s another message! 😉

Next step:

Eph 6:14 b and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

I even could check my thought life against the breastplate!

Phil 4:8… whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things [are] honest, whatsoever things [are] just, whatsoever things [are] pure, whatsoever things [are] lovely, whatsoever things [are] of good report; if [there be] any virtue, and if [there be] any praise, think on these things.

I had not kept my thought life set on God, and I had believed lies. Therefore I had worried, taken thought (wrongly) and I was not in faith.  Hebr 11:6 (KJS) But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: and Roma 14:23 (KJS)… for whatsoever [is] not of faith is sin.

I had to confess my sins to God, for not believing in Him, and ask Him to ” Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me . ” Psal 51:10 (KJS) and to
” Teach me thy way, O LORD; I will walk in thy truth: unite my heart to fear thy name. I will praise thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart : and I will glorify thy name for evermore.” Psal 86:11-12

I needed God to heal my heart (under the breastplate) and cause me to be right with Him again!

The third step is:

Eph 6:15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

I needed to be prepared with peace! Phil 4:7 is a precious gift…peace that passes understanding!
By resting in Him, trusting in His promises, He also promises:

Ps 18:36 Thou hast enlarged my steps under me, that my feet did not slip.

All the promises come flooding back. He promises to

  • lead me,
  • guide me,
  • make my way perfect,
  • be a lamp unto my feet and
  • a light unto my path,
  • hearing a voice behind me saying this is the way walk ye in it, and especially
  •  Ps 23…His rod and His staff they comfort me as he leads me all through the beautiful places, the dark and scary places, on into the banqueting table in the presence of mine enemies!

What a comfort to rest in His hand…

“’tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take him at his word, just to rest upon his promise, just to know ‘thus saith the Lord'”

Now, I’m resting, and he’s strengthened me with all his truth, healed and united my heart, and filled me with peace. I have to tell you about the next step in part four!

PART FOUR

BACK TO PART ONE
BACK TO PART TWO

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

I’d love to hear what you think – please leave a comment! Or ‘like’ me! Or follow me with the RSS feed.

Barbs Drawing

Naomi's Heart Mission

Help a child in need. Check out Naomi’s Heart Mission or Compassion International. The life that changes will be your own!