Jesus Calling, are you answering?(My One Word – Be Like Jesus)

Hi.

My name is Christi.

I am a Christ follower.

I’m a sinner saved by Grace.

One would think that the designation would mean that I follow Christ. My goal is to follow Christ yet my flesh keeps getting in the way.
I’ve been studying Ephesians, and I’m being reminded about the battle we are in between our flesh and our spirit.

The spirit is willing but the flesh is week. (Matthew 26:40-43)
Jesus knew this about those that literally followed him around, so I’m pretty sure that He knows this about me.

I shared in my Itty Bitty Bible Study on Jonah how God called me, and I said no. Here’s the introduction to IBBS Jonah. You can read the rest of my testimony/confession by reading through that series.

I have cried out in the night for answers to His call. Have you?

I’ve cried out WHY! Have you?

I’ve questioned what folks see in me that gives them hope. Have you?

I know what I’m called to do – Be Like Jesus. Are you?

In IBBS Ephesians 2:1-10, I’m learning about how I’m saved by Grace…a beautiful gift. Have you received this gift?

I’m studying the rest of Ephesians 2, and I’ll link them here, but it’s about the struggle of flesh and the spirit.

Romans 7:15-20 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
15 For I do not understand what I am doing, because I do not practice what I want to do, but I do what I hate. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree with the law that it is good. 17 So now I am no longer the one doing it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh. For the desire to do what is good is with me, but there is no ability to do it. 19 For I do not do the good that I want to do, but I practice the evil that I do not want to do. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but it is the sin that lives in me.

Years ago, in the middle of a sermon, a visiting preacher looked right at me and said “Do not die with a book inside of you!”
This was NOT in the context of the sermon.
The poor man was so confused as to why he would say that.
I KNEW.

God has put words into my heart to write and share.
I’m not saying that my words are HIS words, but my story is HIS story in my life.

Why do I write?

My life has a history of abuse, abandonment, and unwantedness.
My mental state(part of the triune nature of any human) has issue with not being appreciated by those very ones that say they love me.

Psalm 27:10-14 Holman Christian Standard Bible (HCSB)
10 Even if my father and mother abandon me,
the Lord cares for me.

11 Because of my adversaries,
show me Your way, Lord,
and lead me on a level path.
12 Do not give me over to the will of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing violence.

13 I am certain that I will see the Lord’s goodness
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
be strong[a] and courageous.
Wait for the Lord.

Be strong and courageous…yeah right is my response.
My body is weak.
My mind is filled with giants of fear.
But
My spirit cries out for the living God! (Psalm 84:12)
My heart desires to be righteous in Christ. (Matthew 6:33)
I thirst after the Lord in a dry and weary land. (Psalm 42:1)

I have begun work on one of the books the Lord put in my heart in 1992. Blackwater Falls Testimony.

Now, he’s pointed out that since I waited so long to write that book (self doubt, which is idolotry, because without himn, I can do nothingJohn 15), there is another book to write. This one is about suicide.

I have written much about suicide on this website, and you can find them by doing a search for the word suicide. Here is the Day I committed suicide.

Both of these books are painful.
But the other part of what he’s called me to do is also painful.

Ministering to wounded women and children.
Ministering to displaced people.
Ministering to the unloved and unlovely.

I’ve been damaged goods.
I’ve been unwanted.
I’ve been unloved, by those that should have loved me.
I’ve been unprotected by those that should have protected me.

BUT GOD.

By God’s grace I have never been homeless…but I’ve felt the fear of the possibility.
By God’s grace I have never lacked medical treatment…but I’ve felt the fear of trying to find a doctor to care.
By God’s grace I have never gone without food…but I can see the damage the lack of the most bare essentials to live can cause.

BUT GOD!

I want people to read what I write and comment and encourage me to continue.
I want people to say that what I do has value.
I want people to tell me that what I do has impacted their lives, that Jesus has met them where they are.

I question myself.
I question my gifts.
I question my ability to fulfill my calling.

There’s where I’m wrong.
It’s not me. It’s HIM.
They aren’t my gifts. They are HIS.
It’s not my body. I gave it to HIM for His temple.

This is dear younger me, and yet, at 58, I’m still struggling to believe!

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me
You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

I need to lay it all at the cross!

Have you heard the call of the Lord?
Do you question your calling?
Do you question if you are worthy, able, or willing?

Me too.
I’m not worthy, neither are you.
I’m not able, neither are you.
I am willing, but my flesh is weak.

And Jesus knows this.
And Jesus loves us.
And Jesus will not leave us nor forsake us.

Abide.
Be still.
Yield.

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking,
What if I had given everything,
Instead of going through the motions?

Like I said above, I’ve been very focused on this while studying Ephesians 2 for Itty Bitty Bible Studies.
To drive it home, I was listening to the podcast from my church that was about Living and a legacy.
I just wanted to get on my knees and recommit my life to Christ, to His service, to give him my all!
There’s a saying in the military.

All gave some, some gave all.

I think that we will find when we stand before the judgement seat of Christ, facing those that were martyred for their faith, that this will be true of Christians as well.

My hearts desire is to hear this:

Matthew 25:23 King James Version (KJV)
23 His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.

Before a book, before a tract, before a song or any other ‘ministry’, my calling is to be faithful to My Lord and to whatsoever HE calls me to do.

How about you?

Hi!
My hope in the midst of despair and my joy in the face of depression is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. If you do not have one, or are not sure you will join him in heaven, please check out these links.

Thanks for joining me in this journey,
In His hands and under His wings,
~Christi
Ps 63:7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

“The Lord does not give me rules, but He makes His standard very clear.
If my relationship to Him is that of love, I will do what He says without hesitation.
If I hesitate, it is because I love someone I have placed in competition with Him, namely, myself.” – from My Utmost for His highest

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